A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend just over a year and throughout our relationship he has constantly acted possessive over me and everything that I do. He loves me too much and I don't think it's healthy for either of us.I know he's interested in what I do in my daily life when I'm not with him but it constantly feels like he interrogates whatever I'm doing. We don't go to the same school (he is a couple of years older than me) and whenever I tell him I'm sitting with a friend he'll ask me who, where, etc. and it just feels like he's invading my private life; I don't think he can grasp the concept that I have a life outside of him because he says he doesn't have one outside of me and 'I am his life' as he says. His possessiveness has caused me such insecurity and paranoia about everything. I found out that he'd been stalking my facebook and my twitter to see what I did; it caused me such distress that I had to delete them both. Only recently I've created my twitter again but I've had to use another name because I'm terrified of him finding me. He says he has 'trust issues' and I know he does, and maybe sometimes I do things that triggers them but he says he trusts me; but him doing something like that really affected me and still does even though it was about 4/5 months ago.Also, he's really insensitive towards me sometimes. I've had trouble with bullying about my appearance that lead me to self-harm and attempting suicide and he knows this, he knows how bad I feel about myself. One day we were talking and I told him I have no confidence in myself, to which he replied "You always take loads of photos of yourself so you must like how you look" and I know that doesn't sound like much and probably seems really stupid but it hurt me so much, that someone I love and trust would say such a hurtful, insensitive thing to me.I do love him but I hate to admit that it's decreasing every day. I miss being single and not having to worry about everything that I do; I'm scared to do anything because of the fear of him finding out. He gets paranoid when I'm around other boys but some of my closest friends are male and I feel bad for speaking to them when I shouldn't. He's reduced me to a sad, paranoid person. I'm so scared to do anything any more and I don't know what to do. He's emotionally unstable as well so I'm terrified of breaking up with him in case he does anything stupid.I'm so sorry for the really long problem but I really need help, thank you so much in advance.
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female
reader, prettygirlsmakegraves  +, writes (30 October 2011):
He seems like a creep to me. If he has trust issues well there are HIS trust issues and he's the one who should deal with it without hurting you. It doesn't sounds like a healthy relationship to me when someone has to know your every move and they want to control every part of your life. Relationships are great and a part of one persons life but to be a real, full, and complete person you have to be yourself by yourself, have a life outside your relationship, your own interests and activities. Noone can be your entire life, that's not healthy.
You said it yourself he is insensitive even though he knows you have issues with your appearance. What are you still doing with him?? And as for you being afraid to him doing something stupid well you can always tell your friends and family what's happening so they'll take care of you in case something happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): I'm not going to tell you to break up with him. You love him still right? Give your relationship a chance. You need to sit down with him and talk to him, tell him everything you just told us, how you feel, how he makes you feel how, and what it is doing to your relationship. You MUST communicate this with him, otherwise all you're going to be is more miserable and he is one, going to notice it and be upest and confused to why you aren't okay, and it's also going to hurt him further, when if you really do love him, I'm sure you don't want him hurt either.He needs to learn to give you space, and he needs to learn to trust you! You need to both include each other in your lives, but you also need to be able to have your own lives outside your relationship. I'm currently in a relationship of nearly a year, graduated school but my boyfriend is in his last year, and I only stayed in this small town waiting for him to finish school and it's killed me all year because I don't have a life left here apart from him, all my friends have already moved, I have a terrible job, so it's been hard at times not to feel a little anxious about our relationship and because he is sometimes the only thing I've got going on in my life, I don't really realise how much I'm crowding him. My boyfriend didn't approach my about this though, I learnt the hard way when he snapped and needed space - I felt absolutely horrible - I did not realise I was doing it, all I wanted was a happy healthy relationship and when he just hasn't got all the time on his hands with school it was hard for me to grasp what was going on.Luckily though our bond is so strong that we're getting through it all and only 3 weeks of school are left - so please I cannot stress this enough, TALK TO HIM, he may be emotionally unstable but he needs to hear it, as harsh as it may hit him, trust me it will make things a lot better.Goodluck, I really hope you figure it out, if you do love him, just don't give up, if you come to realise your feelings aren't to sincere, which can happen at a young age, then break it off, but don't go down without a fight.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (30 October 2011):
 If you have had problems with being bullied, and have thought about or attempted suicide, and harming yourself, you need to get help in dealing with this! Don't delay! Either call a hotline who can give you a referral, or talk to your parents.
Your boyfriend's possesive, controlling behavior amounts to emotional blackmail of you - and is detrimental to your efforts to deal with your own problems. You cannot be afraid to break up with him! You see, even if he DID do "something stupid" or threaten suicide, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHATEVER ACTION HE TAKES. IF he harms himself, it's on HIS head, NOT yours! Again, he's blackmailing you.
You'll be hearing from others on DearCupid, and I hope my response, in addition to theirs, will help you and encourage you not to give in to his unreasonable demands.
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A
female
reader, prettygirlsmakegraves +, writes (30 October 2011):
He seems like a creep to me. If he has trust issues well there are HIS trust issues and he's the one who should deal with it without hurting you. It doesn't sounds like a healthy relationship to me when someone has to know your every move and they want to control every part of your life. Relationships are great and a part of life but to be a real, full, and complete person you have to be yourself by yourself, have a life outside your relationship, your own interests and activities. Noone can be your entire life, that's not healthy. You said it yourself he is insensitive even though he knows you have issues with your appearance. What are you still doing with him?? And as for you being afraid to him doing something stupid well you can always tell your friends and family what's happening so they'll take care of you in case something happens.
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