A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:2 posts..combined....MOD NOTE:Ok here's the problem, it's my nephews 1st birthday party on Sunday and my boyfriend doesn't want to go, and doesn't want me to go either, in general, he doesn't like visiting my family, he seems to think they have got something against him, which they haven't, they have always made an effort to make him feel welcome, especially my mum and older sister. A few months ago I lent my brother quite alot of money, and he's messed me around over giving it back tbh I don't think he has it, but my boyfriend doesn't see it that way it's actually caused him to hate my brother, and iv always had problems with my sister in law. But all this aside, I believe the party is for my baby nephew not them, however my boyfriend refuses to go and says if i go it means I have no respect for him. But every single other memeber of my family is going and I'm sure my mum will be so upset with me. What should I do, I really love my bf I don't wanna lose him.2nd post.. Please give me some advice about my boyfriend. In the past few months he has become very jealous and controlling. My male manager isn't allowed to text me without being threatened (nothing even friendly just like "can u come in at 5 instead of 6, thanks", he doesn't like me wearing leggings etc to walk to work where j then get changed, he says he likes women with hairy legs I haven't shaved my legs for months and when I said I wanna shave them cos it's summer now I was acussed of wanting to cheat. When he's at work for 13 hours a day and it's my only day off in the week, I'mnot allowed outside, even to the shop, he says it's because there is alot of guys in our area which bother girls, which is true and it's not nice being jeered at, but in the middle of the day what's gonna happen. Please help at other times he is the sweetest guy u could find, and I fell deeply in love with him before any of this. Can I change him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): Get out now. I'm serious. Wait till your next day of work when he is working all day. Pack your stuff and go to your mums to live.
Normally i wouldn't ever reply anything as dramatic as this. I have been in an abusive relationship. My partner very rarely physically hurt me, but he stopped me seeing my friends and family, and would even ask to see my knickers before i went to the shop, in case i was wearing sexy knickers to run of with some man. He didn't work and he would never ever let me be on his own. If he was going out he would make me come with him. He put me down n small ways all the time, had a problem with everything that i did and said things like "nobody else will ever love you as much as i do", and made all sorts of threats about destroying me and my life if we broke up. I was terrified of him, and completely and utterly controlled by him. It didn't click at the time that my life couldn't be any worse without him than it was with him. After a while, i was a shell of myself. When we went out i bowed my head down and looked at the floor so he couldn't accuse me of looking at any men. I had to wait in for the electric man once, i went and met my bf, and he started pushing me around in the street and getting in my face really angrily, accusing me of sleeping with him. I still loved him powerfully though, and i thought that he loved me too, to be that worried that i was looking at other men etc... I had no-one else but him at this point. I could have died and nobody would have noticed, and he often told me so.
Then i became pregnant. MAKE SURE YOU ARE USING CONTRACEPTION IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO LEAVE HIM!!!!!!!! And it became worse. Much worse. He stabbed himself in front of me and beat up the walls, stripped me naked, broke all my belongings and furniture, punched holes in all the doors, threw my budgie in its cage at the walls hard, pretended to try and set my hair alight every night, drunk too much, put me down. I was a mess, and a depressed mum. I could not givemyself love, i was so withdrawn into myself that i did not give my son the attention he deserved. I did all the basic things, but i must have neglected him emotionally.
You have got all the warning signs. He wants to be the master, and wants you to be submissive to him. He is controlling you and manipulating you, trying to stop you seeing your family, trying to make you unatractive to other men. You are lucky to have your family to go to. I bet if you told them all this, they would be horrified, justifiably so. You will never be able to life your life to the full while you are with this man, because he will manipulate you and try to stop you from doing perfectly reasonable things, because of the problems he has in his head. I dont think he loves you truly, i think he just wants someone to control. I'm not saying that his feelings aren't intense, but if he loves you, he would want you to be happy, and not want to cut you off from your family.
Please get out NOW and don't waste years of your life being happy like i did.
I know at the time i wouldn't have listened to anybody, but you are not me, and hopefully you are stronger than i was.
Would you want your kids to act like he does?
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 If you dont go, you are not respecting your nephew (an innocent child), .. and if your guy cant see the logic in that, then he is the one being childish and disrespectful whether he wants to come or not, ... and is not worth keeping!
A guy trying to control your personal grooming and trips to the shops, and using emotional blackmail/guilt trips to do it, ... is also not worth keeping.
This is just the start of it, .. much worse is bound to come over time when dealng with this sort of personality.
Get rid of him imo!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): No you wont be able to change him he sounds way too controling this is domestic violence. I know you may love him with your heart but sometimes you need to use your head and gut and do what it is saying. Leave this damaging relationship before you are even more committed and involved!
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