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*ikeyp
writes:30 years married my wife went with her girl friends.TO dinner and while she was gone. I got a call from her saying she was lost so. I went to were she told me she was and she was not there . about an hour later. I got a phone call from her girl friends. Saying she was lost so i ask were they where. And it was 15 miles from were she told me she was lost .I ask what happen her girl friend .said she was at the bar talking to a guy.I rushed to were they were she was in a cargo van with three guyes i pulled the guyes out and then I got her and her girl friends .Came to us and ask to take her and sober her up I did not want her There anyway when the brought her home. I ask her to remove her pants because she smelled of sex she had sperm in her panty. her girl friend told me they had to spike her with somthing. Till this day she can not tell you she was with anyone not even at the bar. then 20years later i found a letter while folding some pants and it talk about the sex she had with a man for 4 months till i caught her.she told me it was not what i thought it was .Wow crazy it was in black and white.She also she told her sex partner to leave town i would harm him .I was with her since 14 childhood sweet hearts. What do I do I keep thinking of the sex they had. M.A.P
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2022): Typo corrections:
"It could only be assumed; if you can't heal with time, nor can you ever really forgive her in the future."
"[You're] the martyr and her victim."
P.S.
You're no longer a victim of your wife's cheating. You've found letters suggesting she had an affair 20 years after the first incident. Yet you've kept her as your wife. You're a prisoner of your own resentment and suffering by now; I surmise she's being held as an emotional-hostage to be punished eternally for what she did to you. Did you know that many abusive boyfriends and husbands do this, only because they refuse to remove themselves from their source of pain, anger, and shame? They'd prefer to inflict violence, stalk, and terrorize their girlfriends or wives; rather than just let them go.
I surely hope this isn't the case for you, dear sir.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2022): Having the experience you had, dating back 30 years ago; should have been somehow resolved over the years, my friend. Thirty years is a long time to hold a grudge. If you didn't divorce your wife back then, exactly what's the point of lamenting over the spilt milk now?
I can never figure-out the logic behind insisting on "keeping" a spouse (bf or gf) who has repeatedly cheated on you. Forever pretending to forgive and move-on. When in fact, you've never lived it down, you're harboring a very deep resentment; and you're full of distrust. All the while, you're always reliving through flashbacks; and ruminating over the worst details of the incident, to find a way to refresh the memory. I just do not get-it! Why did you stay???
What do you do about it? Dear sir, you're 30 years too late in asking that question!!!
What's done is done as far as that night out with her friends. Then there's the matter of the letters. You found written evidence of an affair. That was the turning-point at which a decision could have been made. Allegedly, you even checked her panties; and you claim to have found semen, on the night she was in the van with those men. It's all there, but you kept the woman; therefore, you'll always relive the memories. Apparently, forgiveness is not an option. So, what's the point of asking us what to do about it? The affair could be considered consensual, and pretty solid evidence of cheating; but the van incident is arguably circumstantial and inconclusive. She was drunk, and could have been drugged as her friends suggested. If you felt they were covering for her, and she lied about it, why didn't you divorce her?
None of us here can tell you what to do about it. You're the one suffering about a cheating issue you claim to have happened three decades ago. Yet you're still with the same woman. Just because you were childhood-sweethearts doesn't mean you have to remain with a woman you have essentially resented for nearly half your lifetime.
God hates divorce, but even the Almighty authorizes divorce in the case of adultery. Either you forgive and move on; or you can take your wife to marriage counseling and/or get some couple's therapy to get you both through it. Nobody can internalize such anger and resentment; without it resurfacing and manifesting itself into some kind of negative, or aggressive, behavior. The longer you sit on it, the more it festers like an untreated infected wound.
I dare to imagine what an argument must be like between the two of you; and what verbal-attacks must be inflicted to remind her of her past acts. The distrust and disgust almost jumps off the page reading your post. I've been cheated on too, but I decided to forgive and the relationship flourished for another 23 years, despite memories. It just didn't hurt anymore, because we were so young back then. If it happened to me now; I'd forgive, but end the relationship instantly. That's to keep from letting it consume me, or test the extent of my ability to forgive. God judges us on our ability to forgive; and will forgive us for our sins, according to how we forgive others. I didn't make that up, He says so in the Bible.
You are obviously obsessed and emotionally distraught over this matter. Maybe some personal counseling and therapy will help you to get through your raw emotions; and even some couple's therapy will allow you to purge some of your pent-up anger and resentment towards your wife. I've learned that old grudges will turn into hatred for the person who betrayed you; if you don't completely forgive them. If you can't forgive them, you should completely separate from that person; and completely purge them from your life. You still have to forgive them to free your soul. Don't claim you love her, if you can't find it in your heart to forgive her after 30 years. It could only be assumed; if you can't heal with time, nor can ever really forgive her.
Removing this thorn from your side is long overdue.
Maybe you'd free your mind and soul, if you just decided to divorce her. Maybe then, and only then; will you be relieved of your suppressed desire to punish your wife for all eternity for what she did. I can only speculate that you must feel sexual inadequacies, experience performance-anxiety, or imagine she's always comparing your lovemaking to others in the past. You simply can't move past this, and don't seem to be trying.
Not knowing the overall condition of your marriage; while also noticing nothing affectionate or positive was mentioned about your wife. I'd say you gave-up on your wife long ago; but you hold her as an emotional-hostage, mainly for the purpose of making her live through the guilt for the rest of her life. Your the martyr and her victim. If you haven't forgotten, you're probably not letting her forget it either. I wonder what she'd have to say about her life with you since then?
Either forgive her, or leave her. You're destroyed by it, if you can't let this go after 30 years.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (16 January 2022):
 Sounds like you can't get this situation out of your head, and by the sounds of as long as you are with her these feelings are not all of a sudden going to vanish and go away.
She betrayed you, she broke the trust barrier, trust is the most important factor that binds a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
The thoughts of what she did is driving you mad, and these feelings are unhealthy. I also believe that if someone is capable of cheating once, they are more than capable of doing it again.
I think you have two choices, either stay with her keep having these unhealthy thoughts and feelings.
Or free yourself from the whole thing and walk away.
Like YCBS says, what do you want to do?.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 January 2022):
 The question is, what do you WANT to do? You now have absolute proof she cheated on you. Previously you chose to brush your doubts under the carpet and carry on. Now you can no longer kid yourself that there were misunderstandings or her drink was spiked.
Again I ask, what do you WANT to do?
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