A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:"Being Married but not to each other"When a married man say this about his marriage, what does it exactly mean?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your inputs. This is OP, just want to share some updates.
I did end this relationship, offically. In fact, he seemed about want to end it too and had been distancing from me before I spoke it out. The reason, because he knew I became suspious and have been checking him and discovered more truths. E.g., when he was telling me that he was on business trip/lying in hotel in another city, I was outside his house and looking at his vehicle parked on his drive away; when he was telling me that he was so busy on work, and traveling in North Mexico, I discovered he was actually traveling with his wife visiting his step-daughter's family in Colorado.
During our last conversation, he completely lost his generious and blames me, and made me the person being unreasoable to check him out.
I did write an anonymity email to his wife to tell someone saw his husband with another woman on a specific date (it was last date, that we were together). It was about 3 weeks ago, and no response.
I would guess the wife chosed to keep one eye closed on his husband's cheating. Thats possibly why the husband could play around.
I am eve more angry...
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Listen, if he lied to you and led you to believe that he wasn't married, and then after you got into a relationship with him, you found out that he was married, that's when you drop him.
A lot of wives are more understanding about women who their husbands lied to, versus a woman who willingly became the man's accomplice to infidelity. You were used by the guy.
However, now that you know this information, it's time to drop him decisively and forcefully from your life. The way to combat the strong emotions/attractions is to get angry at him, to realize that he callously and selfishly devastated the woman he professed his love to. Allow yourself to see who and what he is - a liar and a user of women. Had your best friend met this guy, you'd hate him for treating your friend this way.
You can certainly tell his wife. In fact, she'd appreciate knowing that the guy is lying about his marital status, and he sucked you in until you found out the truth and threw him out of your life.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 July 2011):
 You made your choices based on the the knowledge he gave you.
You are not to blame here.
Now that you know the truth, base your emotions and choices on that. You have a right to be made, angry, etc.
Trust me, his wife will find out eventually.
Banish him from your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's really hand to stand up - being used and played by someone who you trusted and have been the cloest...but yes, you all are right, even it still hurts very much, I am breaking up from all emotions.
I feel so mad and hurting that I got into a 'relationship' that I would never allow and imagine myself would have got into...involved with a married man!!! He didn't give a chance to me to make choice, but here I am.
I have been working very hard to get over strong emotion - to tell his wife. But at another hand, I realised that it would just get myself into the mess even deeper.
When people got hurt, it's natural to hurt back. Many dont think about consequences; some would revisit whole picture and think about circumstances; only very few can get over being hurt and become forgiving...
I don't know what I would end up with this.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 July 2011):
After what you shared,
This man was lying to you the entire time about his availability. He is not available for any serious/committed relationship, but he is more than ok having sex with no strings with you.
I hope you dropped the bum.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): Being married but not to each other, means he is married but he cheats and has affairs. The wife is a constant. He won't be leaving her. Avoid at all costs!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 July 2011):
Gah. "We're married but not to each other". You've gotta be kidding me. Any man who uses that line should be hit with icy cold water. What a cop out!
The only time "married but not to each other" can be validly used is if he's married, but the woman he's living with isn't his wife, and the woman he's living with is married to someone else.
And by the way, there are NOT 4 levels of a relationship. The "casual friends with sex" is known as Friends with Benefits, and spells out no strings attached sex. That is bogus. If you're interested in a relationship with anyone, do not add that step,
Either way, run away from this man. He is a user and womanizer. He lied to try to get into your pants, and he is STILL MARRIED.
Remember, there are THREE stages to a good relationship.
1. Dating and getting to know someone
2. Forming a relationship
3. Becoming serious and looking towards the long term future with each other in the picture.
Sex can fall anywhere both of you are comfortable in this spectrum, and #3 includes marriage if you are both also so inclined.
This guy wants sex WITHOUT the relationship to benefit him only. Since he is married, he can make no promises or commitment to you. He only wants sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): It means he's a liar from what you've written here. If you're in a relationship with him already, he will try to keep you there for his benefit with even more lies. Don't be stupid, don't cause yourself more suffering. Relationships are meant to be IN THE OPEN AND HAPPY!!! If you haven't already, stop seeing him for good and tell his wife about his extracurricular activities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA middle age married man said to me about his marriage. In his own words, 'dating' include 4 levels, Level 1, like and date to know each other; Level 2, good friends with casual sex; Level 3, exclusive relationship; Level 4, marriage. Whole story lasted about 10 months, he introduced himself as 'divorced with 2 grown-up children middle age man'; Then 3 months later, he became '2nd wife moved out few months ago and lives 800 miles away'; 7 more months later, when I discovered more info about his family on FB, he explained about his 'marriage' as 'being married but not to each other', and described his falling to his wife ('my spouse' in his words), 'I like her but not sharing the same coldness'. And said to me straight forward that he is looking for 'cooless, relaxing and sexual relationship with you', in another words, 'level 2' relationship. It's just really really hard to get over all hurts, and not look back the whole thing...still.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): he's basically saying his marriage relationship sucks and so he wants to get with someone new - like you - but at the same time he's afraid to tell his wife he wants out and get a divorce so he wants to be secret with you and telling you this to justify it.take note of this:- if he's hinting to you that his marriage sucks, that means he's trying to justify starting something with you.- but you gotta ask yourself if his marriage sucks so bad then why is he still married? this calls into question his character. a man who doesn't want to be married to the point that he wants to start something with someone else could be doing so for a few reasons;- he wants to leave his wife but is afraid to be alone so he wants to set a new relationship in motion first before he has the guts to quit his marriage. This is cowardly- he's too scared to ever officially leave his wife so he has no intention to, even though he's very unhappy in the marriage to the point he's seeking a new relationship. This is also cowardly.- maybe he doesn't want out of his marriage cos he's still getting something from it (status, someone to cook and clean for him, someone to relieve his physical needs) even though obviously he doesn't feel loyal to his wife.either way, you should not get involved with someone like this. A guy like this doesn't have his head in the right place. Wait until he's already divorced and has that well behind him before you even consider dating him. until that happens, you should write him off completely and not bother with anything he says
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 July 2011):
He is married, not single, and he is trying some fancy verbage to describe that he is "technically married".
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (17 July 2011):
 I would say it means that he's married, but there's no spark and the relationship isn't as good as it could be.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 July 2011):
 We need more information, the when, where how and why these words were spoken.
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