A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay here I go... Please understand I am judging only my ex and his mistress in this, but I am trying to make sense of this all. I found out my (now ex) was cheating on me (for 4 1/2 months, confirmed by her). He ended up transferring back and moved in with her (he lost his house in foreclosure) now after a year and a half, could be married...there is no record to substantiate the claim.The problem I am having, is I did everything, I woke up everyday and tried to make his day better, got him cards,paintings, would cook dinner and go get dairy queen for him every night. Not only that I would buy new lingerie every other day to keep everything spicy in the bedroom. Sex was off the chain crazy fun! He even said sex with me was the best he has ever had...many times! We would talk everyday and just have a good time. So you can see where this relationship betrayal just came out of the blue (he was going to try and continue to see the 2 of us, but I told him that wasn't an option) what is worse is I was 6 weeks pg when he left. He was aware. And after I told the mistress and him to not contact me, I haven't heard from them. I had the baby, sealed the records. The problem is he is supposed to be transferred back to Colorado in the next couple of months. He is now 40, so is she, went to h.s. With him. But I look at pictures of her and me and I don't get it (I even asked random people and put up an anonymous survey online on cuter/prettier whatever you want to call it) I won with 98%. Not to mention I have my Masters degree in school, my family is super tight, they went out of their way to make sure he had gifts at Christmas and felt like he was part of the family, he even had my nephew call him "uncle". She has an 8yr old (not his) and graduated from massage therapy school (is no longer a M.T. She is a receptionist now). He used to say he would never date a girl who did not have a college education (just because he could tell there was a change in world views that was more comfortable). And now that is not the case. So what did I do wrong? I am accomplished, I am decent looking, we didn't fight much, we would bicker. I tried to be everything he wanted and really he would say he loved me everyday. So his relationship he had with this woman started out of infidelity, everything he told her was a lie. Its not that I don't want him to be happy, someday I do. But I have had to go through everything on my own (with support of my family) and it disturbs me that he is going to get the happily ever after. How do I get through this and over this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): ' The problem that I have is I did everything...'I tried to be everything he wanted'.....Now in those statements l suspect a few problems..1) A relationship is about two working together, if you do all of the work then he has nothing to do.He therefore perharps lost interest...2) He married you for who you were , why did you have to change (by this I dont mean comprise on occassion) to be who you thought he wanted you to be?. You weren't yourself..you were playing an appropriate part and he saw it for what it was...In love, all your achievements and looks equals nil if a man is not connecting with you in a special way.....A relationship author once quoted 'Men do not fall in love with you because you are perfect....falling in love and being crazy about a woman has little to do with how perfect you are...'.As the relationship is over you need to move on. What good with seeing his relationship fail do for you?...If he lives happily ever after, so what? What about you?...If you look closely, your past relationship failing is not as clear cut as you present on here...Something happened(perharps something was missing)..It wasnt perfect....And I'm thinking you are hoping someday his relationship will fail so he sees how perfect you were....You dont need him to validate your worth as an individual... Finding your own happily ever after is what you should be looking to find....If you spend your time waiting for his 'downfall', you might waste valuable time impeding your own happiness..Forgive and let go...It releases you too...I bet a lot of things would have been done differently (by both parties) if you could both go back and change past events....You both made mistakes in some way, and his behaviour was unfair to you ..Learn lessons from what has happpened and use them to your advantage and finding happy future with a partner.....Let it go and free yourself...In time you WILL HEAL but you have to want that healing...Seek help and counsel and build yourself up as an individual...All the best.(I actually need some of this advice myself..Lol)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou bring up some very good points, but we would talk about everything. I have my degree in communication so I would use my "I feel" statements and ask him if he needed to talk about anything, we would laugh and talk and have a good time. About 3 months before he started seeing her (when he lost his house) for the record, I tried to buy it for him and help him out and he declined any help. I thought he was telling me he wanted to take a break (because he was moving into another place) but he told me it was because of the house, he rented a townhome right across the street from me for a reason. (That's his words). So I don't know how it got off so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he told me he dated (different girl) all through high school. I am just lost.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (7 February 2011):
 This certainly doesn't seem right or fair. After reading what you have written here, I am stumped too. You said he went to H.S. with her. Were they romantically involved at that time? Is it possible there is a comfort level with her because they are from the same place, have similar backgrounds, etc.?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Obviously something was very very wrong in your relationship and there was massive lack of communication - as in, massive dishonesty. Obviously he had a huge problem with you or the relationship and didn't have the decency or guts to inform you so you could work on things before they got so bad in his own head that he felt the need to look for someone else. Since he's living with his mistress, he has a relationship with her, it's not just about sex and thrills, they're actually sharing responsibilities and dealing with life together and such. Maybe it will work out between them, maybe it won't. But the thing is that if he felt so strongly the need to leave your relationship, he should have said something.You said you never fought much. This could have been a big red flag. If it was conflict avoidance or conflict denial, then that means there could have been somethign very very wrong in the relationship or something that was really bothering him BUT he just was never saying what, so til this day you still have no clue. I think this is very unfair. but since you're asking for what you did wrong - were you open about talking out problems, or did you ever freak out if conflict was brought up thus maybe leading him to just keep his mouth shut and play along even though he's really unhappy about something? could you have been overly critical or demanding of him, or controlling or smothering? Just questions, since you asked what could you have done wrong?none of this makes his cheating acceptable by any means. But they could explain why he left you that maybe it has nothing to do with his mistress and whether she's "better" than you or not, but simply because he didn't want to be with you any more regardless and she just happened to be there at the right time.I think it's very unfair to play along and pretend that everything is fine in a relationship and then suddenly blindside the partner by leaving. Obviously if he was unhappy enough to leave, he should have said something.
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