A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question I would like to hear any feedback on. I am currently separated and not in love with the mother of my kids. I can get into details but I will just say that I am not willing to go on pretending that I want to be with this woman. Although I have thought to myself I can be as civilized as possible for the kid’s sake. Every time I talk to her, I hate answering any of her questions because I feel her motivation is somewhere else. I am getting off topic....Next weekend is my sons’ first communion. I have not really talked or had any communication at all with my wifes parents. I want to send them a letter or email them or even call them. I just don't know that I deserve to hear any backlash from them...as I have already dealt with enough from my own family till just recently. But I want to try and explain that I don't want anything to happen that will ruin my sons’ day. Is there any advice on what I can say to her parents that will help make things even a little less awkward?I have 4 sisters I don't know how I would feel if my brother-in-laws left one of my sisters. So I really can't blame them if they hate my guts. But I will never go back to this marriage, but I also want to be a little civilized. Or as much as possible. Any advice on if I should call them email them or write a letter. And what I should say or admit to would be great. I probably left out a lot of information but the past between me and my wife was bad for both of us. I was just as responsible for the way we treated each other as she was. Maybe me even more...I don't know I keep blaming myself.Anyways thanks for any replies
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 April 2009):
 I dont think contacting her parents would be a good idea, it will make your ex-wife angry because she will feel like you have gone behind her back to give "your side of the story" to them. I understand that you dont want any conflict on such an important day for your son but hopefully if her family are decent people they would not want to cause trouble on this day either.
So I think you should defiantely not write a letter nor should you contact her parents in anyway, this will cause some tension between you and your ex-wife and that would be the worst thing possible for your son. I once had a partner who turned up and my parents house after we split up and tried to basically tell his side of the story about us splitting up, and while my parents got on well with him they just did not want to hear this because after all, I am their daughter and they will always take my side. So no matter what you say to her parents, they will always believe her over you and just feel like you are "telling tales" on her like a child would tell the teacher on another child at school.
I think the best thing you can do to ensure this day goes smoothly is to speak to your ex-wife a couple of days before and just explain your concerns. Maybe say "I'm not sure what you have said to your family about our break-up however I am concerned that any bad feelings they have towards me may interfere with our son's day. I hope that your family can keep any ill-feelings they have towards me to one side just for the day because I would like this day to go without a hitch. I understand they may dislike me for what has happened between us however our divorce has affected the children enough without it having to ruin our son's first communion."
Hopefully if you say something along those lines, she will take it all in and realise that she doesnt want her family to cause any issues either therefore she will more than likely have a word with her family telling them to be civil towards you and not ruin the day. Hearing it from her will be a million times better than hearing it from you - if you told them not to ruin the day it would sound condescending and contrived, whereas from her it will sound genuine and they are much more likely to listen to her wishes over yours.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, Love4Life  +, writes (24 April 2009):
 Well I would have to say it takes a strong person to realize that its their fault as much as their spouse. I don't agree with divorce but If their is none stop fighting it's better to leave than let your child grow up in seeing violence. I would write a letter and explain this to her folks. That even though you loved their daughter the differences just out weighed the good. Let them know that you hold yourself responsible but will never not be their for your son. When a person takes blame and owns up to their mistakes only a immature person won't forgive. Also let them know and mean it that you hold no ill will towards them and wish to get along for everyone's sake but mostly for your sons benefit cause the last thing he needs to witness is violence/yelling at his young age. I hope I was of help....
Miah
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