A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am in a 3 year long relationship that i feel is just coming to an end but neither of us will admit it, we have a 7 month old baby and since we have had our son things have just not been the same , he is so moody and snappy and shouts at me infront of the baby, he disrespects me by going out , not texting me or answering the phone and stays out till 4am. I had a word with him about it all and said he needs to start showing me more respect and show more interest in me as he does his friends and nights out , he has been better since we had the talk but recently he is starting to get back into his old ways , eg shouting at me getting annoyed when I do literally anything , I’m 7 months postpartum and suffering seriously with brain fog. I really don’t mean to get confused and he just thinks I’m being stupid and it annoys him. I feel like he doesn’t want to be with me but he keeps saying he does , I thought I would see how Mother’s Day went I.e how much thought he put into a gift , turns out he just seen me like a post of a balloon attached to some flowers and got me this for my first Mother’s Day , he didn’t in the slightest make it special for me or put any effort or thought into my present. I always go all out for occasions and he just doesn’t put any effort in at all, I also had to tell him what to get me for Valentine’s Day , he just can’t be bothered to surprise me or show me the appreciation I deserve. I never ask for anything and don’t expect it either , but I do everything for this man and our baby and he just can’t be bothered to make a tiny bit of effort on Mother’s Day go show me how much he appreciates what I do for us. He hardly helps with the baby because he says he works all day and is tired when he gets home , but god forbid I’m tired and the house work isn’t done he says I sit on my back side all day… He does small things that would annoy anyone and then gets angry at me for him doing something to annoy me. For example , tonight my son was watching the tv and I was lay down on the sofa because i didn’t feel well, my boyfriend took the cushion from under my head to put under his head so we could watch tv on his phone, Which caused me to bang my head on the sofa , I asked him why on earth has he just done that he then said “I didn’t know your f***ing head was on it I didn’t do it on purpose” then I said but I was lied down? He then said he would watch tv upstairs he was only trying to be nice and let us watch tv on his phone and that I am inconsiderate. He does things like this all the time and he just thinks that I always think he’s in the wrong and that I think I’m perfect, which is far from the case. I just know 99% of the time I do not cause any issues between us and it’s his attitude. We live together and I have tried asking him to leave in the past but it has not worked , I’m really not good with confrontation and words but I have really had enough now .. what can I say to him to make him realise I’m really serious about either breaking up or needing some time apart from eachother? Any help is appreciated thank you so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2023): Nothing. You're not serious about breaking up. You want to use breaking up as a threat to wish the guy with whom you procreated but has no interest in being a responsible father or domestic partner into magically becoming the person you want him to be but he never was or will be. Meanwhile he walks all over you because you let him. He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Don't bother with any empty threats on which you have no intention of following through, he will only laugh you off or gaslight you as he has been doing. My prayers for a seven-month-old who was bred by two people with no conception of responsible parenting.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2023): Having witnessed many situations like yours in my personal life-experience, and answering dozens of posts like yours since coming to DC in 2013; I can say the stories always seem so similar, but the outcomes vary.
It seems there is always an attempt to make the relationship work when a child is introduced into the middle of a very rocky and tumultuous relationship.
This is just my personal speculation and opinion; but I often think women feel insecure about the relationship, and hope that the birth of a baby will turn things around. I know men don't often take romantic-relationships to the ultimate step of marriage; so sometimes I guess women will try to add some kind of cohesiveness to the relationship by birthing a child. It's usually a bad choice when the relationship is on its last legs, or the possibility of marriage is not even an immediate (or probable) consideration; or even a remote goal for the future.
You may trap a guy into fatherhood; but you can't make him want to be a husband, or a father. Great care and forethought should be made before bringing children into unmarried-relationships. Children are not accidents, pawns, or tethers. They are either intentional or unplanned. In any given situation, good or bad, they are a blessing. How their lives turnout is often dependent on the two people who brought them into this world. It's never the fault of the child.
If married-men with children can reach the decision to divorce and leave their wives and children, how much easier is it for unmarried-men who may not really love the mother?
Maybe a guilty-conscience overrides his instinct to fight or flee; but he remains for the sake of being close to his kid(s). Sooner or later, he will finally decide he wants to move on. Yet he still wants to share his time and presence with his offspring. Always fearing the possibility a breakup could limit him access to his children; or they'll end-up with some poor choice of a man she winds-up with! The worst case scenario being a lot of "baby-mama drama," when he finds himself a new woman! He remains, but his displeasure and resentment is going to manifest in his behavior, sooner or later. He can't make up his mind what to do; or she just can't endure looking at his miserable unloving-face another minute!
Manipulation from either side of this often fails or backfires. If he is only there for the kid's sake, what about the feelings and emotions of the mother? She wants love and affection too. If she remains with him for the sake of the child having a father, his financial-support, and wanting to give the child a family made up of two parents. You wonder how long can she bear being with a man she doesn't really love? Something has to give in either of these scenarios.
If you do decide you want to discuss breaking-up, timing is important. You can't suddenly spring this on him while he's watching a show; or the minute he walks in the door from work. You might need to get a sitter, and find a quiet place you can sit and talk. Not when you lie-down to sleep, or when you are in the heat of an argument. You need time set aside for serious talk. Let him know you aren't making any decisions without talking to him first; but if he is going to gaslight you, or get angry, you'll just do what you have to do. If you are on good-terms with your father, or a brother; make arrangements to be picked-up on speed-dial, if things escalate and get out of hand.
You can't leave without a plan on how you intend to support yourself, and your child, alone. Of course, the law requires him to pay child-support; but you both still have to survive when he is delinquent with support-payments, in-between jobs, or runs into financial-hardship. You have to have a solid contingency plan. If he leaves, you have to have all your legal ducks in a row; to be sure he doesn't leave the full financial-burden on you. You also have come to terms that you will be alone; and at some point, you both will live separate lives. Either of you will find romantic-interests in other people; and that has to fit into any given reality you will face in the future. Neither of you can become jealous or spiteful; because you have a child you both share. You have to realize all the things life is going to bring to your doorstep. Plan it out, then make your move.
If he is like all that you've described. I think he is making it abundantly clear, he isn't happy, and he isn't psychologically ready to be a father; let alone a husband. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his child, but being a father isn't quite working for him at this stage in his life. He may have been happy about fathering a kid; but the reality sets-in when you have to feed him, change him, the child gets sick, unexpected medical-expenses; and you'll have to make a lot of personal sacrifices. If you're married, you would expect all these things; and it's your moral duty to fulfill them. When you're not, being single and carefree is always tempting you. Nothing says you can't just up and walk out that door! Only, he shares a child with you!
You can't "talk" people into loving you. You can't guilt them into caring for you. However, you don't have to tolerate abuse or aggression. Love has to be there in his heart; and it has to come forth freely. No-one can demand another person to love them. Nor should you endure verbal-abuse and aggressive behavior from an unhappy-man.
You need to breathe, and you need time to sort out your thoughts. If you have parents or family you can spend a short time with; maybe you should both have a discussion about taking some time apart. If he is as young as you are; he is battling with taking on a lot of responsibility and immaturity. Under most laws around the world, young-people are recognized as "adults" at age 18. But emerging science about brain-development suggests that most people don't reach full maturity until the age of 25.
You should make sure your doctor closely monitors your health. You seem to be under significant stress. When people write long passages without breaking-up their posts into paragraphs, I can sense their anguish and distress. You're venting your feelings as they flow. That can be very therapeutic. We all need a healthy outlet to vent!
I hope you have older-women in your life you can trust. You need the compassion, support, and wisdom they can offer to a young-mother; and someone who understands your emotions. Your doctor has to pay close-attention to whether you're suffering depression as well. You should not hold back about your state of mind and physical maladies when you make doctor's visits. Be forthcoming with your PC and gynecologist.
Talk to older women in your life, spend as much time with a woman you can trust who has experience. Your girlfriends have no more experience than you have, this is where grandmothers, mothers, and older-sisters are most appreciated. Especially, an older sister who is married and has kids. She probably wouldn't be as judgmental as grandma, or nosy and bossy as mama; but they are all women, and aside from doctors, they will help you navigate through life as a woman.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 March 2023):
 Is he living with you? Or is the place both of yours? As in, you rented it together or bought it together.
Depending on which - I think you need to make a plan, an exit strategy if you wish.
Also, do I understand your post right? Do you have a kid and a 7-month-old baby or JUST the 7 months old?
I was in a brain fog for almost 2 years with my first one, simply because I didn't get enough sleep. It took her 2 years to sleep through the night - it took until she was 19 months to wean her. So yeah, I know how you feel. IT IS EXHAUSTING to have to function like "normal" when your battery is dead and barely gets a chance to charge.
If this is NOT his place and you CAN afford it on your own, then you need to look into the eviction process. Since you are in the UK, Contact Citizen's Bureau for help on how to proceed.
If this was HIS place and YOU moved in, YOU need to find yourself a new home for you and your kids. Hence EXIT strategy.
The whole "I'm not good at confrontation" - I also get it. But at some point, you are GOING to have to keep BOTH your kids and yourself SAFE and sound.
You ALSO need to make an appointment with your doctor. And I would suggest you start going for some daily walks with the kiddo(s). It will do you both good to GET OUT of the house.
Learn to nap/rest when the little one is napping and get chores done when the little one is on your hip/in a babybjorn - do them in 20 min bursts OR when your partner comes home so you can focus on that. I DO think if your partner works full time and you are at home, most of the choring is yours. But because you also have to take care of a little one, he can DEFINITELY help out. I just think it's unrealistic of you to presume he should be doing 50/50 and ALSO work full time.
If you DO intend on being a single mom, do you have family or friends who can help out here and there?
"what can I say to him to make him realise I’m really serious about either breaking up or needing some time apart from eachother?"
I don't know. Because I don't know him. Or you.
That is why you need to either leave or kick him out.
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