A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my wife 10 years, married for 7. I thought we were happy but she has just told me that she loves me but is not in love with me. she said she has felt like this for a long time but she never gave any hint of it. We had a long and tearful talk over a few days and at the end we hugged tearfully and said we would try to bring back the love that was there but she says i am not to pressure her. What can I do to win her heart again. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor an update,we are getting on very well I think.We are trying very hard and we talk more,have more time to ourselves without the kids.But there is still no kissing or anything else.I try not to pressure her but it has been two months now,we used to make love three times a week,kiss constancely,and hug whenever. I'm getting it hard to control myself when I look at her. She says she is happier now but not ready to touch
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife and I have different ways of dealing with this problem. she says she needs space and time which means no hugging or kissing at all,but I think to bring us closer we need to get closer. It's not sex I want but the closeness
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (2 June 2007):
 Hi there!I think, you have nothing lost and you really have a great wife and she's got a great husband! I don't experienced it meself - as I'm not in a relationship for that long, but it is what I've learnt from other couples and good books and I would like to write that down for you:- Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really control it yourself. It is like being on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. It's a chemical reaction or emotional response. This is fun and can create amazing feelings! You can compare it with being drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems. So when you fall in love you are infatuated in that person. Your can forget all around you and your feelings and cogitations are with this person. You are just happy and don't see any problems.- Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. The disappear and they will not come back in the same form.You can compare love with driving in a sport car. You have a new car (thats when you are falling in love with someone) and you drive on a road very fast. On the back of your car there is a very nice cloud of dust (your feelings) dispersed from the road. You are having lots of fun and very much enjoy this cloud of dust. But then there suddenly you see a cloud on the sky and it starts to rain. The cloud of dust disappears. Now you can make your decision: You can stopp your car and buy a new one (leave your wife and look for someone else) or you can drive on (stay with your wife) and hope that the rain will stop and the road will dry and the cloud of dust will dispersed from the road again - what is exactly what your wife is doing now and it is great of her that she doesn't want to change the car!!!Now you asked what you can do to help her getting back her feelings for you. Hmm, I'm not that experienced, but let me try:First of all, don't pressure her, as she wished. But also don't pur yourself under pressure. Be patient with you, be patient with her and be patient with your marriage.So how do you show your love to her? You should try to show your love to her the way she would understand. Have you ever heard of the book "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman? He says/writes that there are five "languages of love" and everyone speaks and understands one (or maybe) two of it. Is is your "mother-tonge of love" That means that you feels that the partner loves you when he shows his love to you in the language you understand. But you don't feel he loves you, when he shows his love in an other way.To explain this better (I hope you will understand it). This five "languages of love" are (because I read the book in German, I only know German the words for it. So I write them down and have a look in the dictionary try to figure out which one could be the one in English. Hope this works!):- the first language of love: Lob und Anerkennung = COMMENDATION, COMPLIMENTS and APPRECIATION - this means that you would say to your partner how good he is and that you adore him. It also could mean that you encourage your partner. If this is hes language of love, he will feel loved by you when you tell him such words.- the second language of love: Hilfsbereitschaft/Gefälligkeit = HELPFULLNES, COMPLAISANCE or GRATUITOUS SERVICE - if this is your partners language of love he feels you love him, when you do all his washings, cook for him, cleand the house, look for the children. For him it would not only be normal and naturally that you do this things, but he regards this as a gratuitous service. It would also mean that you may do some extra work for him, when you see his shoos need some cleaning that you would do this strait and so on. If it is a wifes language of love, this would mean for her husband, that he would try to help her in the household whatever he can. Not that he has to do everything, but not only help her when she needs it badly and also fix things straight away, when they are brocken.- the third language of love: Geschenke = GIFTS- its especially a womens language. She feels her husband loves her very much, when he brings her flowers, chocolates or anything little. Also men can have this language and are happy about any present.- the fourth language of love: Zweisamkeit = no word in the dictionary for this ... best way to say it in English would be BEEING TOGETHER. Thet means spend extra time together and getting all the partners attention. It could mean having a candle light dinner together, going for a walk together, talk about anything, going to the cinema, and so one- the fifth language of love: Zärtlichkeit = AFFECTIONATENESS, CARESS -that would be holding hands, kissing, and so on and also doing this in the public.The idea now is that each partner tries to find out the language of love of the other one and then tries to show his love to his wife or husband the way she or he will understand.So you would have to find out your wifes language of love and to learn (yes learn, because its not probably not your natural way to show your love to her!) this language.For more informatione read the book "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. And I think it would be a good idea to talk about this with your wife or maybe she will read it herself (are you from Italy or from Ireland? I can't make out the colour of the flag. If you are from Italy, I'm sure, you can by the book in Italien)? But don't force her to it!An other idea would be to go to a relationship course together for a weekend or a week and refresh your marriage there. I'm sure you will find something on the internet, but take care, that it is serious!Good luck and patient!
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