A
male
age
51-59,
*ather inbetween
writes:Caught in-between my daughter and my wifeHi. I'm seeking some kind of answer to a predicament which is driving my crazy. I'm the father of a 17 year old girl (my only child), and married on my fourth year with a lovely lady. The problem is that my wife and my daughter can't stand each other. I got my child by accident with a lady, whom I never loved, but stayed with for 9 years out of duty. She was my age, and we had a terrible relationship. She was manipulative, selfish and I suspect she suffers from borderline personality disorder - at least all the symptoms are there.My ex-wife and my daughter had a very bad relationship, and eventually she was send home to me (At the age of 14) much against my new wife’s will (Whom I had been with for almost 2 years at the time. Before I married my present wife, my daughter stayed with me on a weekend basis.My daughter wanted to go to a boarding school at the age of 15, and did so for two years. She just came back to us a year ago and stays with us now. Her mum (My ex-wife) moved far away, and they hardly ever see each otherMy current wife and I bought a house in the meantime, and have now a huge financial commitment to each other.The problem is now, that since my daughter came back, the relationship between her and my wife has gotten worse and worse. My wife believes that my daughter is also suffering from borderline, but I simply can’t get myself to believe it. Yes, she tries to manipulate, but isn't that normal for a 17 year old teenager? My wife says to me that when she is alone with my daughter, she shows a side, which I never see. My daughter, when confronted with this, says that she treats my wife no different than me. We have a neighbour who is also a very good friend of both my wife and me. She's Chinese like my wife, and she talks very often to my daughter. She doesn’t think that my daughter is behaving badly; in fact she thinks she is very well behaved. When I ask my wife about this, she simply says that she doesn’t have to experience my daughter on a daily basis.I would like someone to talk to my daughter and find out whether there really is something wrong with her. But I can’t just go to her and say “Hey I think you should see a psychologist so we can find out if you’re sick in your mind”. I also want my wife and myself to go to family therapy, and she has agreed to this. But I can’t help thinking that this will not solve the underlying problem. Whenever my wife and I are alone together, we are having a very nice time. I have no doubt that I love her, which makes all the all the more painful. Because of course I also love my daughter.Sorry for writing such a long question. I sincerely hope that someone can give me an advice.The desperate father
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): Hi
This situation could be half true..not the mental health side but to find the truth in this situation for yourself rigg a video camera up on both and judge for yourself.
Your wife may just be right on this one, behind the scenes your daughter could be up to mischief to rock the boat on purpose.
A
male
reader, father inbetween +, writes (2 August 2010):
father inbetween is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all who replied to my post.
Thank you so much for your advice. I'm going to contact a family therapist now. Actually, my daughter also wants to see one, she also wants to know, if she's all that bad. She is definitely a troubled kid, but I don't think she is sick. She is taking reasonably good care of her school and has healthy interests (scouting and so on).
I agree with Quiet-echo that it's a bit suspicious that my wife is the only one who can see the "illness" but I can't get myself to believe that she would be so mean as to make it up. She clearly sees something which I don't notice.
My daughter will probably leave home, when she finishes high school. By I don't want her to leave feeling unwanted. Also, the present situation can't last for another two years. Either she leaves, My wife and I divorce or we find a way to solve the problem
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): I'm not sure if I can offer advice.
My father remarried a women from the Philippians. She alone was a great women, Behind my father's back I was very nice to her. yet in front of him I was a cruel person to her and him. Finally as time gave out I realized my problem set with my father, not my step-mother. Yet I took it out on her thinking she was a mere toy to use in my wicked game. What helped me was time. Then things became better.
I believe you should try really talking to your daughter. Try to have Daddy&Daughter days. I loved those with my father. Altho I played the "I hate you card". Maybe after doing this she will open up and try to help you help her.
Tell her you want to go to Family therapy. There is nothing wrong with that. I plan on doing it when my daughter is old enough.
I think it would be best to try to have her tested. True coming out and saying it is pretty much asking to be chewed out. She is 17. She is rebellious.
Maybe just talking all together would help. or you could do as my father did. Nanny cam?
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A
female
reader, GettingInYourBizness  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 You said she's 17, and finished boarding school..
I'm curious, does she have any plans for college?
If she does, is she going to a local college or someplace that's farther away?
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