A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long term relationship for over ten years. I met my partner when I was in my mid twenties and had only dated briefly before I met him. We have had few problems until last year.I started to become a bit more sexually adventurous though I am not entirely sure why. I wanted to invite a third person for sexual play only. My partner is VERY sexual, and jumped at the opportunity. We had a couple of brief encounters which were fun, but i did not really crave them further. I prefered to be with only my partner. I think I felt this way because I wasn't overly attracted to the people with which we had encounters. I was probably a bit nervous as well, which affects me greatly when it comes to sex. During this time, my partner and I went on an all-gay cruise. It was not our first cruise, so we knew where to go to find a willing third person. I was starting to get a bit more confident and relaxed so I thought I would give this another try. What happened on that cruise was a very different experience for me. I actually had several men approach me (when my partner was not around). Not only this, but these guys were also very attractive. I do not consider myself unattractive, but rather average. When I was younger, I rarely had guys approach me. I asked my partner about this, and he simply says that I don't realize it, but "I am hot". That did not really help me at all.I had another bit of an eye opener on the cruise, and that was the realization that I was a bit overweight compared to many of the other guys. After I got home, I committed myself to losing weight and getting in shape so that I won't hesitate to take off my shirt at the pool in the summertime. I was motivated like never before, and it started to show very quickly. I lost quite a bit of weight and started to gain some muscle definition. I had more energy and confidence that I had ever had before. This is where the problem began.I was at a house party and was trying my best to be social and meet new people (I am trying to work through the fact that I experience social anxiety). I saw a nice looking guy standing by himself and I walked over and introduced myself. He seemed very happy to have someone talk to him. we talked for a little while, and then I excused myself and continued mingling. About a half hour later, a friend of mine pulled me aside and told me the person I had been talking to was asking about me and thought I was very cute. I relayed this information to my partner and asked him if I should invite him back to our place after the party. He thought it was a great idea, so it was up to me to flirt a little and find out if he was willing to be our plaything for the evening. What I found was that I seemed to be very aggressive with the flirting. It seemed very easy, and I enjoyed it.He never got back to our place that night. He disappeared, and it turns out he had a bit too much to drink and became sick.This is the point where I made a crucial mistake. Keeping in mind, this was the first time anything like this has happened to me and I had little idea of how to process the events that were to take place. I had gotten his email address, and emailed him a couple days later to find out if we was ok. He seemed very happy to hear from me, and we emailed each other for a short time. It turns out that we had quite a bit in common, and that I thought he would make a much better friend than a casual sexual encounter. I pursued a friendship with him, not realizing that I found myself very infatuated with him. He was very charming, and very attractive. He seemed to possess many of the attributes that my current partner did not and I turned a blind eye to everything else. I confessed that I found him attractive (BIG MISTAKE!!) and he confessed the feeling was mutual. Instead of distancing myself from him, I found myself enthralled with him, telling myself that he can only be a friend.He told me that he was not attracted to my partner, and for that reason did not want to join us in bedroom activities. I told him that I do not "play" without my partner as my partner and I agreed upon. I think the only decent thing I did during this time was to uphold that agreement. This became easier because as I got to know him a bit more, I got to see some of his less attractive features. He had not completely accepted his homosexuality and proudly professed his love of women (a common behavior when gay guys struggle with their sexuality identity. I did it myself a very long time ago). He was very self-absorbed and selfish, reminding me vividly of a guy I once dated for a while (and dumped). He was also very "snobby" thinking himself better than most around him. If I wasn't so infatuated with him, I would have known to get rid of him then, but I did not. As the weeks continued, I convinced myself that I still wanted to be friends with him, but it would never go beyond that. He did not seem to like that very much, and would tell me he did not want to talk to me, and then call me the next day apologizing. I was very confused, and still very much infatuated. My partner started to notice my behavior (yes, I was keeping this from him. ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE). After this guy told me he did not want to be friends with me, I decided to confess to my partner. That was a night I do not want to experience again. I really hurt him, and I never intended to. I felt awful. I could only cite that it was a very new experience for me, and I did not know how to handle it properly. I told him I now know how to handle it, and it will never happen again. It turns out that I found out later that guy I was infatuated with fabricated quite a few lies about himself. The innocent and decent person he presented was not how he conducted his life. I think, and my partner agrees, that he was cleverly trying to convince me to break up with my partner so that I could be exlusively his (but only on his terms). That bit did not work out for him. Needless to day, I have not had any contact with that person for almost a year. I had told him in an email that I found out about his lies, and that I tried to be friends and it is just not going to work out. I pointed out the lies he told me and questioned his motivation. I added that I told my partner and my closest friends about the situation. I told him that because I knew it would keep him away for good. It worked. I can only assume that much of what he told me was not entirely the truth. I still feel foolish for not realizing the situation before it got out of hand. The point of this story is that I wanted to illustrate how willing I was to fill the voids that my partner does not satisfy. These voids are things such as interest in physical fitness, outdoor activites, etc... It is not a flaterring quality, but I think I was trying to hold on to that person as a means of filling those voids. Most of my current circle of friends did not share my interest in outdoors activities or physical fitness. I realize and admit that I was just as horrible of a person and I thought this guy was. I had to honestly ask myself is that is the way I wanted to lead my life. The answer was "No!".I did use that humbling experience to motivate myself to seek out some of the things I did like about that person. I joined a hiking group and have met some wonderful people who share that interest. My partner decided to take downhill skiing lessons so that we could go skiing with me. My partner does not share my passion for outdoor and physical activities. I enjoy it when he is there, but I do nto think he enjoys it. I confronted him and this and he confessed he participates because he does not like being left behind and that he is jealous that I might find someone to replace him.I assured him I am not looking for a replacement. He is a great guy, and I care for him deeply. I told him that I would not stop doing the activities I enjoy. I have told him that he would probably enjoy it more if he were in better physical condition and the activities did exhaust his capabilities. He agrees but has yet to exercise regularly.I am troubled because there are times when I feel alone and trapped. I find myself thinking about that other guy. I realize that it is not the other guy I am really thinking about. I think it is more of the idea of having someone who shares these similar interests. It only happens occasionaly, but I feel horrible when it does happen. I do not wish to replace my partner, but I feel like I am forcing him to participate against his will. We do share a number of similar interests, but it seems to be the dissimilar interests that stand out. He has very few interests outside of what we share and he tells me that he is jealous that I do and that I pursue them. How do I address something like that? I realize that if I focus on the current moment, I am fine. It's not always easy but I am trying. I am much more honest with my partner, and I feel that in many ways, our relationship has strengthened in the past year. In other ways, it seems to have weakened. Whenever he jokes about me "cheating", I (jokingly) remind him that I only trade-up and that I have yet to see a better model cross my path. I do sometimes wonder if he is joking.I guess what I would like to know is what can I do to strengthen the weakened parts of the relationship I have with my partner? Thanks for any insight anyone might have.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Sounds like at the end of it all you are wishing you had a boyfriend who was different in certain ways. Unless he is willing to develop an interest in the things you like you have to either live with it or live without him. Or maybe you need to find friends who do share similar interests, and for the sake of all it might be better if such friends aren't gay men.
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