A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can a person resist temptation and survive?I have fallen in love with someone that I have no business loving. Ya, it started innocent enough. It was a situation where it was SO not a worry, I guess I didn't protect myself, the way I would for guys who come on to you at parties, or well... I really don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but I used to be younger, more in demand, and knew to keep a distance. I fell while telling myself I wasn't really falling for this guy, then telling myself he's so out of the realm of possibility that what could it matter if I "appreciate" him. He had no idea how I felt, anyway. Then I heard, not from him, that he was in love with me. That surprised me, and turned my world upside down. It made everything he did and said more meaningful. Until that time I just wanted the best for his life. I helped him if I could, even with women, but we have never said anything to each other.OK, so I'm getting myself worked up again. Even if he thought he loved me, I can't believe it. His experiences don't give him enough to separate love from appreciation. He knows I care so much about him, so he thinks he loves me back, or thinks he should. So the real question is that we have had moments (with my husband in the same room), when he has been clear about... I don't know, being available... if I wanted to we could... you fill in the blank. He knows me pretty well. Our lives, mine, his, my husbands, a friend of mine, all crashed together at a very emotional time for all of us, leading us to become, all of us, very close, sharing stories and feelings we have never shared. It was emancipating and irreplaceable. I will always treasure that time.So I have this huge respect for this person. Good. I believe in his successful life, all good. Much later I realized I was not only emotionally drawn to him but physically as well... getting sticky, and then realized he may feel the same. DANGER DANGER!So, I have never told him how I feel, and have actually lied when questions got too close to the mark, which I can only rationalize doing since there is no good in saying, "Yes, I love you and I think about you every day, and what life might be like to live it next to you." How long can I hold out? I used to tell myself that he will move on, so pretty soon it won't matter. But I'm not. Is this where a person gets anti-depressants? We are all friends, so to cut off contact I would have to fess up to everyone, yuck.Someone tell me they have been tempted and resisted and lived. Please!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): I have a good marriage.I still got attracted to a guy at work.we have this glass cubicles for conference rooms.This guy's team was having their weekly meeting.Our team meeting was at the same time.was running around trying to fix a cubicle and our eyes met.Instant chemistry.I have seen him check out my behind as well.I didn't know what to do about it.I just joked and laughed about it with my husband.The next day when I saw the guy I didn't feel anything at all.sounds really weird but it worked for me.Honesty helps!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): The good that can come out of all this is to Want a more intimate relationship with your husband...Now that you've experienced these new feelings, I encourage you to initiate wants and desires with him. You will experience a deeper love with you never knew existed. God Bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Thank you all for answering.
Do I love my husband? Yes, very much. We have had a long marriage that has been loving. We have had almost no jealousy, and feel very free to be ourselves, but this freedom is what made me free to make such close friends with this man. He was a friend to both me and my husband, but it was clear he and I were closer than, he and my husband.
Maybe I will realize the "foolishness?" I don't think so. I still know I would have done the same thing again. There was no way to see how this was going to develop. I do see that I may be in love with something my mind has created, since I can't ask him, so that has crossed my mind, but there are too many things that don't fit. There are so many small kindnesses that he wouldn't have done.
Danielepew:
I have been pretty good at being "normal" around him. It's afterward that I suffer. I feel bad because I know he's looking at me, at my reactions, and I purposefully won't look at him. Over many months I have watched him give up on me, and it kills me. I know this is necessary. I want to be able to tell him how amazing he is, but I can't.
You're right. He does seem to be leaving it to me. I can't imagine him ever putting me in a bad situation.
qcumbr1:
Yes, I am distracted, and that is the problem. I thought I could just entertain myself, and indulge my "fantasy" in my mind, but that ended when it seemed it was possibly not just me. I have been happily married for a long time, but I never knew this feeling. I don't think so much of myself to think a flip-flopping stomach is something to trade in on years of trust, true friendship, hot love. It's not enough to cash it all in on the unknown, but it still feels like a gift, all these amazing feelings. All the love song lyrics suddenly make sense.
MammaMia:
Thank you. I will continue to choose my actions, and decide my own life. Does anyone have a bullet I can bite?
Spirit Of Iona:
You are so right. Age supplies no comfort.
1.Why haven't I surrendered to temptation?
I would hurt the person I love the most, my husband. He has always put me first. Our life isn't perfect, but I love him. The whole sex thing is only a tantalizing element, unexpected element. It surprises me because I have never felt an irresistible urge to touch a man. I don't even mean intimately, I just mean I'm drawn to his face. I want to hold his face in my hand. Twice I have, in a moment of extreme tenderness toward him. He didn't pull away, he just looked at me. But it's not getting better. Now I want to do things I have never thought of. I want to lick his lips. I don't think of stuff like that.
2.Why haven't I told him how I feel?
Why would I want to put someone I care about so much, through the pain of all the people who would be hurt by me if I chose to give in to temptation? There is no future in it. He deserves a life of his own with a love all his own.
anon male:
I do hope to be a better partner, less distracted. We really are friends, and we will go on. It kills me to not be able to talk to him about this, but putting up with a temporarily sulking wife is just "life" and better, I think.
Glownatural:
Yes. I do not intend to "act." I am asking for help in dealing with each new day, to grow beyond this. One would think there would be some pot of gold at the end of an ordeal like this for the extreme effort expended, but there is no immediate reward for not giving in to temptation. Yes the relationship that is forged is deep and strong, but now I have seen this weakness in myself that I will always know about. I wonder if every marriage does go through this. I don't think so. There was just too much that had to be just right (wrong) for this to happen.
Thank you all for your answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): You've already crossed the line and had an 'emotional affair' with him. Intimate conversations should be saved for your husband, not a friend. You know it's wrong, but the high of another mans' attention is strong.
Here's a reality check: you give in to sex--the next day comes guilt, fear your marriage is over if he finds out, realizing your Husbands love towards you will never be the same...it goes on and on
I think is every wife/husband is tempted at some point in their marriage. We know the 'type' person we're most attracted to, and if we treasure our marriage, we'll avoid a 'personal' friendship with them...Think of him like a Brother! (it works for me)
Well, it's Not to late for You...please consider all you will lose...is it really worth it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): It seems to me that you are asking this because you do want to avoid this problem because you care for the relationship with your husband.
Go to your husband and devote some quality time to him, get him to reciprocate some feelings back towards you, and try and initiate this kind of thing (men can't read minds). Spend some alone time with him, maybe you'll realise the value of your marriage after that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Every once in a while we meet someone we are fascinated by they ring all the bells and it is hard... very hard! to stay faithful and true... and it doesn't get any easier the older you get. For the same forces of attraction that were at play when you were single don't magically evaporate after marriage or with age...they are still there.
As I always say you may be married but your not dead
It may help if You ask yourself a couple of questions
1. "Why you haven't surrendered to the temptation
already?"
and
2. "Why it is that you haven't told him how you feel?"
(Two pieces of the puzzle for you)
Also Listen to the following track on youtube it may strike a chord with the way your feeling (copy whole link)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-085F--3vLc
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Might be difficult at times, but if you set your mind on it and are determined not to give in to temptation you will find the strength.
Joseph Fort Newton said: " We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us... how we can take it, what we can do with it... and that is what really counts in the end."
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 It is indeed possible to avoid an involvement that will damage everyone. All it takes is to really try. If you don't want to be alone with this person, for example, make sure you anticipate the series of events so you never have to be alone with him.
Just as a comment, you don't know if he can tell love from appreciation. You don't know what is in his mind. From what I see, he also wants a relationship but has been careful. He won't push it, so you don't have to worry about that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Do you love your husband? If your relationship is fine with your husband, just spend as much time as you can with him. Maybe you'll realise the foolishness of it all after that.
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