A
female
age
41-50,
*O188125
writes:I am currently engaged, about to be married next month. I love my fiance very much but I find something about the way we communicate very troubling. Here is an example of our last argument that is similar to the trend I am speaking of. I don't know how to remedy it and I am always left spiritually exhausted and very upset when these types of arguments occur...We were in a restaurant the other day and I comment on the paintings on the wall, the work of a very successful local artist, that I know).J: That is --------work on the wall. I really love it.M: How can you say that. They look like the left over paint on an artists pallette.J: Well I think they are beautiful and they evoke many feelings when I look at them.M: Leonardo Da Vinci would be rolling in his grave!J: Maybe, but he was from a time and place where art was creating in the confines of classical conventions. Far before modernism, abstract expressionism, ect..M: How can you say Da Vinci was conventional?J: No, I mean he adhered to classical conventions; certain formulas about beauty, style, perspective. Not that his work isn't brillant and original.M: (He starts to raise his voice) If you gave me the paint she used and a canvas I could put my painting on this wall and you wouldn't know the difference!I started to feel bullied by his tone and though I totally disageed with him (because I know the hard work and skill of this artist). I didn't want to continue the conversation.J: Why do our conversations sometimes have to turn to arguments. There are no answers in art only opinions.M: We were having a nice conversation this came totally out of left field.J: I know I can be a little overly-sensitive but sometimes you come across aggressively to me.M: If you know you are overly sensitive why do you take offense? If you were having this converstaion with ---------- you would't take offense!J: No I would just discontinue the conversation and talk to someone else instead, but I am in a relationship with you so it matters more. Lets just try to find a middle ground.M: (He raises his voice) There is no ground at all in this conversation.I start to get teary eyed-he gets annoyed-our dinner is ruined. All over a conversation about art. Am I being too sensitive? Is he being too agressive? What can I do to stop these types of arguments and at the same time feel free to talk about my opinions without fear of these horrible arguments?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): Sounds as if there is much more to this situation than a disagreement about art!
You should indeed get some joint counselling and delay getting married until you can find out what is beneath your fiance's hostile responses. Because it IS an unfriendly sort of put-down. Maybe you should seriously consider whether you two are in fact compatible enough to be married at all!
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (25 March 2007):
 This is a job for professional help..A lot of places have training in effective communication for couples. My late wife and I, before we were married, went through one that was offered by a local community mental health agency.I urge you to look into something like this. Such training gives you methods to present disagreements in non-confrontational ways, and to try to see the other's side of any situation. It can help prevent little disagreements from becoming big issues.I urge you to look into resources in your community. Try the local United Way office and ask if they can suggest any resources that might offer such training. If your guy sees the same problem ... or can be convinced that YOU see a problem and he is willing to help YOU resolve something that bothers YOU ... you may be able to get this solved before it can mess up an otherwise good relationship.Good luck.
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