A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met my husband back in 2009. We got along great, had a lot in common, never a dull moment, we found each other attractive, and desired one another sexually. After 14 months of dating, we got married in March of 2010. Then later that year, I started finding stuff out about him I never knew before, stuff he had lied to me about. Of course I was VERY angry with him at first, especially since the only reason he finally admitted to his lies was because I had proof. I tried to make peace with the things I found out. I told myself over and over that no one is perfect, and he probably regrets the things he did, and didn't tell me because he was scared of losing me. He even told me this was why he lied. While I understood, I couldn't quite forget about it. And I still felt like such a fool for believing him before. By 2011, I was in a fairly comfortable place with all this. I stayed with him, because I still loved him, his lies didn't change the fact we still got along great, and had a lot of fun together.The problem is, over time, my sexual desire for him has gotten less and less. It lessened some when I first found out, but I thought I could live with it since it wasn't completely gone. However, now I don't desire him at all. I love him and still find him physically attractive, but I don't ever get the urge to jump his bones like I used to. I'm guessing what happened in 2010 is what caused this to happen. I've never gotten over it. I think it would have been much easier if he had just been honest with me. The fact he never admitted to anything until he got caught makes me think if I hadn't been able to prove it, he would have been perfectly content to just lie to me for the rest of our lives. We're going away this weekend to celebrate out 3 year anniversary. I know he's excited about it, and I am too, but not like I have been in the past. This weekend will be the first time we've both had the same days off work in several months. I work 2 jobs, and both are physically demanding, so I'm often tired. We haven't had sex since November, and I can't say it bothers me. But I know this weekend he'll probably want to, and when I think about it, it doesn't disgust me, but it also doesn't excite me. I feel so guilty because I have no problem getting aroused if I think about other men I find attractive. He says he only thinks of me, which makes me feel even worse. I don't think that could possibly be true since it seems unrealistic that he NEVER fantasizes about other women, but if it is true then I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve him. I guess my question is, what can I do to reverse my loss of interest in him? I don't want to leave him, because I really do love him, and I don't want to be with anyone else. Is there any way I'll ever be able to overlook the fact he never admitted anything til he realized he had no choice? I know his intentions were good, but a lie is still a lie, and he told A LOT of them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): If he does think about other women and told you he only thinks about you, he told you a white lie. A white lie is told to spare the feelings of the person it is told to. One tells a white lie when the truth really does not matter and could only harm the relationship it is told to protect.
You need to ask yourself if he has lied about anything important that has happened since you confronted him. If he only told lie upon lie in the beginning of the relationship to protect you, your feelings, and ultimately your relationship AND as long as he has been faithful to you for the duration of your relationship/marriage you need to try and figure out why it still makes you upset.
You may want to seek out a counselor to work on communication with your husband. You seem more like best friends or roommates than a married couple in the prime of their lives. If you can put your cautious feelings aside (genuinely) for your anniversary vacation, maybe you can find the passion and excitement you long for. If you do love him. If you believe you two could be together for a lifetime, you need to put aside the hurt from the past, take a leap of faith, and trust that your husband love you and has your best interests at heart.
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