A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship for 6 years. I love my man with every once of me. I cannot imagine my life without him. I care for him more than I care for myself. I constantly worry about his well being, whether he's happy, whether he's eaten, tired etc... there are times I'm so in love with him and he's all that I see. And there are times where I've liked other people and I barely think about him around those times. My question is, is it normal that occasionally I catch feelings for someone else. What worries me is that when I do catch feelings, I feel strongly about the person ( Keep in mind, this happens rarely but surely, at least once a year for the last few years :(... )They're all I think about and I have to fight to get them out of my head. Right now I have feelings for someone else and I actually pursued a friendship with this person and went as far as even kissing him. It's been 2 months since I've liked this guy and cannot get him out of my head. Although I feel guilty about what happened, I cannot get him out of my head. My man is ready for marriage and kids and has no idea what I've been going through. I'm upset that I go through these things because I want my life to revolve around my career, my family, and my relationship. When these things happen, it's a huge set back for me. It weighs me down, and makes me feel depressed especially if I don't get attention from the other person. I feel like I can't trust myself and in need of professional help. What should I do to prevent feeling for other people ? Is it normal? How do I handle this one particular situation? I've liked this guy for 2 months and have made no effort to cut contacts with him although we don't communicate much he's always on my mind. I enjoy liking him and talking to him. HELP ME :(
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 You shouldn't be in this relationship. At the end off the day you are a cheater and a liar. If you where a guy you would be slaughtered on here by now. If you love your boyfriend as much as you say you do then you would tell him the truth. You would not hide it from him. You would see that he is better off leaving you. Why stay with a cheat? Off course your best friend is going to take your side. But this is your relationship not your friends. This is your life you need to take control off it and stop making excuses. I love my partner and never in 1 million years would I cheat on him even if I was attracted to someone else. So stop making excuses and tell your poor boyfriend the truth.
A
male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (4 May 2017):
anonymous: It is time you grew up. You are not ready to be married. There are people that enter your life from that you feel attracted to how you handle this makes all the difference. You cannot seem to make your mind up on who you want to be with. You like the idea of having a stable relationship but you also like the illictneous of having another man on the side. Spending time as a single women might help you to clear your mind and determine what you want in a relationship. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (4 May 2017):
 "My hand got a little frisky with some body parts of his also".
I think you have a problem stopping yourself acting impulsively around men, and I think you probably enjoy giving them pleasure. Short of staying indoors for the rest of your life it seems like you will find it difficult to remain faithful to one man. It's difficult to give advice as I'm not sure it will be acted on! I think you need to be honest with yourself and your man about this side of your character.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2017): Men are always chastised for 'looking at other women' and accused of being untrustworthy around other women. And, as a very hot blooded but very trustworthy male, I can honestly say that yes, sometimes, the eyes and the mind wanders. I'm getting on in my years now but I've seen more and more women admitting to doing the same- I say admitting, because I believe it's always been happening.The problem is, monogamy isn't flawless. Even diehard believers in monogamy struggle with it sometimes because the heart and hormones don't always stick to the rules in our mind. I've been with my wife for over 20 years now, and there have been a few other women- not in the sense that I cheated on my wife, but in the sense that I became heavily attracted to and fell for. Exactly in the way you describe. So, what I am saying is yes- what you are experiencing isn't unusual. The level of regularity of it differs from person to person- some don't experience it at all, some can't keep control of their genitals.What does this mean for you? Well, you have- in essence- cheated, by kissing this other man. If the man were to have done what you have done, it would defintely be classed as cheating. You have to ask yourself- is your man everything you want? Are you happy? Would you give it all up for this other man? Are you just looking for some fun outside your normal relationship? First, try to understand yourself. Then do the right thing and check that your partner is on the same page and decide where to go from there.I'm not saying you should tell him about the kiss- in fact, don't tell him. While a kiss is cheating, it's not as bad as having slept with him. We are all human and we make mistakes, if a stolen kiss made you stop and think about what you are doing, then that's not such a bad thing. It could've gone further, but you didn't let it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 "If I tell my man that I kissed this guy. He will walk away from me and never look back."
Knowing this, could you live with yourself if you never told him, and married him?
If this is not life for you, then change things. No one says you have to be with your boyfriend just because you have lasted 6 years. In fact, what you write is that the only thing that keeps the relationship going, is a lie. If you were honest, the relationship would end.
So now, not only are you attracted to other men to the point where it consumes you and makes you feel terrible, you are also basing your relationship on a lie.
How can any of this be a good thing?
There is a life out there, you know, without men in it. You don't NEED a boyfriend. Maybe what you need in life right now is to be single. 6 years is a mighty long time to be in a relationship when you're this young. Perhaps your frequent interest in other men is your gut telling you you are not ready to settle.
In which case, let this guy go. Be honest with him. And then end things. Be single, enjoy life. The worst you can do in life, both to yourself and a partner, is to settle. Don't marry someone based on a lie and despite knowing you will constantly end up lusting after other men.
I do think it is normal to develop crushes on others, you do not go blind in a relationship. Developing crushes is normal. But maybe in your case, it happens too often, and you develop too strong feelings. You were unable to stop yourself from cheating. Always trust your gut. Your gut could be telling you that this relationship was amazing and fun, but that you are ready for something else in life now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 We don't go "blind" to attractive people JUST because we are in a relationship.
You will notice people you find either physically attractive, emotionally or on an interlectual level. Someone who might be a little different than you partner. Because as HUMANS we aren't a one-note kind of species. Just like you don't eat the same meals EVERY day - we want different things at different times. The "trick" is to BE aware and NOT act on it.
Think about it, HOW would you feel if your partner did what you are doing right now? Pursuing a woman for "friendship" so he can get close to her, kiss her and play little imaginary fantasy games?
I bet that wouldn't sit well with you.
As for what you do with the guy you kissed, it's easy - you REMOVE him from your life, block him, cut him off. If you feel a need to tell him why, then do so.
And then you talk to your partner.
Another guess is that things in your current relationship are getting VERY familiar for you. That is why you look for "excitement" elsewhere. So MAKE your relationship and your partner a positive focus. Right now it seems more like you are MOTHERING him, not loving him.
And FIND things in life that makes YOU happy. (not talking other dudes here, but hobbies, interests etc.) Don't rely SOLELY on a guy to fulfill that for you.
TRY new things with your partner - a new hobby or whatnot.
If YOU want to BE with your current partner - ACT in a way where you are respectful not only to him but yourself.
If you wouldn't want YOUR partner to cheat and do shady things, DO NOT do them yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2017): There is love; and then there is lust and attraction. There is loyalty and the inclination to be faithful to those we love; and then there is temptation where we let our impulses and desires take hold of us. This is all human.
Some people like drama and wading around in a pool of emotions. They create events and situations out of boredom; or they test what they have by sabotaging it out of a fear that it might not be perfect. They are afraid that it is going to end badly. They need to know in advance how things will turn out. They want something they can control and anticipate the outcome. So they sabotage their good relationships with self-fulfilling prophecy.
They find other people for a backup system in-case they mess-up, or someone might disappoint them. They are afraid of risk, and but unaware (or just mindless) that the other person is taking an equal risk. The selfishness is all concentrated on protecting their own feelings, and fulfilling their own needs.
Then there's just dishonesty and rampant promiscuity. Some people just have to have their cake and to eat it too. They have all that they need, but that just isn't enough. They can't imagine being with one person and having sex with only one person for all eternity. Yet the same people don't want to be cheated on. Makes me scratch my head!
What am I trying to say?
To love is to also make sacrifice. It requires that you value what you have; and to do everything in your power to make it real and to keep it real. Don't go describing a great relationship and how wonderful you feel about it on the one hand; then completely contradict yourself by devaluing what you have by contemplating cheating and sabotaging it. Ever heard of self-control?!!
Therapy can't give your a sense of values and morals. Those are self-created and developed within you. They can't be placed there by somebody else, it's within the fiber of your character. Character is built on what you know to be right or wrong; and how you demonstrate your values through how you live and how you treat others.
You're human. Just because you deeply love someone and committed in a relationship, doesn't mean you aren't attracted to other people. Commitment means you forsake all others to be exclusive to one person; and you remain faithful even when tempted or seduced by other people.
You prove love by resisting temptation in order to keep what you have intact. The other person's trust is your reward.
The argument you make in your post is the one made by compulsive cheaters. They claim they just can't help themselves. How do they have so much time and willing to make so much effort to destroy what they have?
They just don't know why they want to cheat. The truth is, yes they do. It's greediness, compulsiveness, and opportunism. They can't pass-up an opportunity; because they don't value what they have. They'd rather cater to their selfishness and lusts. So they lie and/or make excuses for it. The forbidden fruit is always sweeter. Secrecy and sneakiness gives them thrills and chills. Until they're caught! The sad part is, the one cheated on is so hurt!
We are all given choices to do wrong, or to do what's right.
Love helps us to make these choices; and self-discipline allows our conscience and our sense of responsibility to keep us on the right track. Able to value the trust others hold in us, and to develop enough trust in ourselves that we know we can handle those things that challenge us emotionally, sexually, and psychologically. Those actions or impulses that jeopardize our relationships that mean the most to us.
There is a purpose for making vows and having a ceremony for marriage. It is a contract and declaration that you will withstand and endure all challenges that come about to separate you from your mate. You've taken legal steps to bind and insure your relationship. Giving your spouse certain rights and benefits to being committed to you.
We get engaged to make a promise; and to officially notify everyone who needs to know that you are soon to be married and have given-up any further search for a mate. You have resigned yourself to be faithful until you have formed the final bond that makes you a couple for life. This is the one you want to create your family with.
You date until you form a a strong enough love-connection that you want to concentrate on forming a romantic and emotional-bond to an individual you feel meets most of your needs and desires. Then you graduate and evolve to other levels within your relationship to make it stronger, more structured, and less accessible to others. You reinforce your feelings for the one who reciprocates, by not allowing yourself to go everywhere your eyes and feet want to take you. If your head is on a swivel, it's best to continue dating until you feel the need to settle-down.
You don't put people in a savings account to wait and draw interest; while you're out writing blank checks to people on the side who flatter your ego, scratch your itch, and feed your appetite for drama. The cheapest excuse any human being can ever give is "they can't help it." "The devil made them do it!" No, they wanted it so bad they will throw all caution to the wind. They are untrustworthy and impetuous.
If your mind and emotions wonders too much, you are not ready for a commitment. You may only be holding-on to who you have, because he's a good-catch and you know you have a good deal. Yet you haven't gotten a lot of stuff out of your system. You like the idea of romance and the drama of love; but you don't have the strong foundation for the reality and demands of true commitment. That doesn't make you're a bad person. It only means maybe you aren't quite ready to settle-down. No one really decides that but you.
You have to mature in your thinking. Stop the school-girl crushing on every cutie that crosses your path. If your mind wonders as much as it does; please don't think about marriage. You haven't reached that kind of mindset quite yet. You still crave attention, and want men to give you approval and validation to make you feel desirable. Once you find one open to your crush, you want to hold on to him to feed on his attention. Wallow in the intrigue. That's selfishness. Mainly lustful-thinking, but you haven't really admitted that to yourself yet.
Don't follow your impulses so easily, no matter how strong they pull at you. Remember what commitment means to you; and how much you value the trust of the person that trusts you. Use self-control and your sense of values; just as you would to overcome stealing, as opposed to paying for something you want.
Temptation will always challenge our relationships. So we have to condition ourselves to protect those relationships by bypassing or suppressing inappropriate feelings for people we know will destroy what we've established as the best thing that could ever happen to us. Then imagine what it will feel like if it is destroyed, and the grief and the loss we would suffer for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo what you guys are saying is that this is something that is normal? I just have to be strong, and fight those feelings. Is this something that happens a lot? This can't be life no :( I want to be happy with my life. I really went out there and looked for trouble. If I tell my man that I kissed this guy. He will walk away from me and never look back. My hand got a little frisky with some body parts of his also. Sigh. At the time I was was going through some things and didn't care about anything. So I didn't care about the consequences. I really have to get this guy out of my head and move on with my life. I want to confess to my boyfriend but my best friend says not to do it if I want the relationship to go somewhere. She says it'll only create problems for us being that the problem is me and not us. She says to work on my emotional stability and fix my problems for the sake of the relationship and not bring him into my mess.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (3 May 2017):
You have to do what we all have to do, fight those urges!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 May 2017):
It's pretty simple: don't allow things to reach that point. If you are attracted to someone and, knowing your history you know that pursuing a friendship with them will likely lead to wanting more, then don't do it.
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A
female
reader, Crissydavelle +, writes (3 May 2017):
Hey hun, I understand where your coming from because this happened to me . I loved my boyfriend with all my heart, and loved everything about him but still found myself liking someone else and talking to them. Something isn't right in your relationship. I realised then when I love someone I can't see their flaws even though everyone else can. Which is how I ended up liking someone else because they had the qualities my boyfriend didn't without realising that was what attracted me to them. Love is seriously blind. Take a step back and try and really analyse your relationship. Talk to your boyfriend about how your feeling. He might not like what he hears but if he loves you he would also want to try and help you understand why you felt comfort in someone else. Think about what they did that he doesn't do. Something made you go meet this guy and kiss him hun try and figure out what it is. The sooner you do the sooner you can improve your relationship with your boyfriend and prevent this from happening again
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 May 2017):
I think it is normal and allright to experience attraction towards other people while in a ltr. But, cheating is never acceptable. Your man deserves to know the truth, before he marries and have children with you. Dont marry him under false pretenses, he deserves better.
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