A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I would like some insight on a particular scenario involving two women, one of which is my current girlfriend and the other a friend and also pseudo-romantic interest.Let me explain the backstory. I met two different women over online dating late last year. We'll call them J and C. I met C just before J and had a few conversations together that ended up in a couple dates. However, things didn't develop further at that time due to some personal insecurities in the past on C's part, so we agreed to just remain friends. Shortly after, I met J and got along greatly, seeing each other for weeks on end and as of a few months ago, officially dating. Now here's where it takes a bit of a turn.While I do care dearly for my current girlfriend and the times we've had so far, I still see myself greatly attracted to C, even as we mutually agreed to just be friends. One night a few weeks ago, C came to visit and chat briefly at my place. After some time, we sat down together and continued talking after I made dinner. Just moments later, C ends up just scooting closer to me, hugging me and in turn, going for a kiss. This was completely unexpected to me, as prior to this engagement and me dating J, she told me should felt she couldn't be ready to date at the moment and kept interactions relatively normal. Being that I was dating my girlfriend, my conscious felt it wouldn't have been right to kiss back, so I didn't reciprocate, although in a partial mind, I greatly wanted to. I never told C up until that point that I was dating someone and it took her by immense surprise when I explained to her after that. She was embarrassed about the ordeal and after a lengthy conversation, decided to drop about it happening.Some days later, during an exchange we had over lunch, C admitted to me that she still holds a degree of feelings for me, but wants to diminish them for the sake of not being a sabotage to my relationship with J. I told her I felt the same way about her, but wasn't personally sure if it could be the right way to think. Now the thing is, we still hang out quite often and do activities like any other friends would together (go out to eat, lounge at home and watch TV, etc). Nothing lately has come up regarding romantic actions. We're both able to keep feelings at bay (it seems) and not interfere, but I feel like a crack could come up in the near future. She told me previously that if by some chance I stop dating my current girlfriend, she would want the opportunity to date me, but doesn't want to be the direct cause of a breakup between my girlfriend and I.My question to ask: Is it wrong for me to still have feelings for C and remain friends? To want her fairly more than my current girlfriend, even as we haven't dated long? I find C incredibly attractive and if it wasn't for the fact that I was still dating J and that C didn't initially decline getting together, I would've kissed her back and we likely would be dating as of today instead.I feel basically confused on where to go throughout all this. Part of me wants to stay with J, mainly because of our mutual developments. But another big part of me wants to drop it and go with C. At the same time, I would feel like a b^^^^d if I were to go with the latter option and leave J heartbroken after she's fallen for me. Yet, I still want to have the chance to date C like I initially desired.Can anyone tell me what they would do if such a thing happened to them? Or what's the best course of action?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 This is not fair to yourself J or C. J is clueless that this is going on and C is pretending to be a friend to keep close to you but she secretly hopes you will see what is in front off you and end things with J. Stop playing the two off them, I know you don't mean to but it will only get worse. Me personally I would tell J it is not working and end it. See how things go with C. If that doesn't work be on your own for a while.
A
female
reader, PamaraRR +, writes (6 May 2017):
Listen, love triangle is the relationship of the future. Being in love with multiple people is the new norm (MMF or FFM). The idea about three is a crowd is no more.The best way to deal with this is to bring everyone in the know about what's going on, make sure there is real conversation between all of you about it and see how it goes. You will be greatly surprised by their reactions and the turn of events. Also, when there is openness, the one who you should be really with is made evident and walla, there you go, choice is automatically made there for you and no feelings are hurt but spared. Best of luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2017): Your feelings are not wrong, but your actions are. At the time you officially started dating J, you should not have been seeing C behind her back. If she was "just a friend" as you say at first, then J would have been included in the get together with her too, and you would have avoided the emotional affair that you are in right now. C should have known before spending time with you that you had J as a girlfriend. Hiding that from her until you led her to the point where she kissed you was wrong.The right thing to do would be to decide who you want to be with, and end the relationship with the other one. There is no right or wrong decision, just make up your mind already and stop stringing both of these poor girls along. Once you decide, then end it with the other, and commit to the woman you choose fully. No more online dating. No more "friends" who you really have an attraction to. No more contact with other women you met in any dating capacity. You cannot have platonic friendships with them. Put your energy into the girl who you choose to be exclusive with, and start being honest with her from now on. Also, if you decide to stay with J, you need to come clean about your behavior with C and apologize. She then gets to decide for herself if she wants to continue your relationship or not with all the information she needs out on the table. Be honest from now on. She may forgive you or she may not.Best of luck.R
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2017):
 Do J a favor and end it with her.
YOU are not being fair on J, yourself or C. Right now you are playing the "what-if game" where you get to have them both and that is just plain wrong. YOU and C are not friends, you are people who have a shared past and a romatic interest in each other. Have you told J about C? My guess is If you have you have downplayed how you feel and your past with C a lot - just like you didn't tell C about J till that "almost kiss". Why? If C is "just" a friend? You have been "smart" enough to keep the girls "separate" so you... could have both. Little greedy, huh?
You have kept C around "just in case" J didn't work out. And now you feel tempted to see of you picked the wrong girl... So utterly shady, OP
YOU are going to have to CHOOSE who you REALLY want to be with. Not string along J & C. Whomever you DO NOT choose, you need to cut lose, so THEY can move on.
Don't be THAT guy...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 May 2017):
 If you like C more than you like J, then you gently and respectfully break it off with J.
It will be better for J to be hurt now rather than a few more months down the track. There is also the fact it is unfair for you to still be dating J while your feelings are directed elsewhere.
There is also a risk, the longer you continue to date J, that she will discover she was second best .... and that will hurt way more than you doing the right thing and breaking up with her now.
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A
female
reader, CoreMessage  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 Although I have never been in this situation specifically, I do know what it's like to fall for someone else while you're dating someone. It's especially hard when your partner has fallen for you, hard, but you don't feel the same way. My advice is, as cringey and cliché as it may sound, follow your heart. Although you'll feel terrible about J, she'll be okay eventually and you may even be able to stay friends. Isn't it crueller to keep J in a one-sided relationship, rather than to let her go and give her the opportunity to find a guy who can reciprocate her feelings? If C is the girl you have fallen for, go for her. You'll be unhappy in your relationship if you stay in it. You say C reciprocates your feelings? Then you'll be happy together. I wish you and C the best.
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