A
female
age
36-40,
*ateisme
writes:Dear everyone,I am in my first relationship with my partner for 2 years and 3 months now. During the first 12 months, everything seems so perfect and sweet and I was wonderfully showered with love and attention everyday.Eventually, the honeymoon period phased off and reality starts - issues begin to surface. 1 recurring problem that we have is that whenever she is not in the mood, she became this totally different person. For example, we could be meeting for dinner and she will pull off a sullen irritated look throughout the dinner and behaved like didn't even want to have a conversation. There were too many confrontation thereafter and her explanation is that she is tired. I know that my problem is i can be emotional needy. I may be overwhelming at times and I have an expectation of how a relationship should be like. I was constantly reminded of the happy times that we USED to have.. She will write me a letter each month on our anniversary. It makes me very sad to think that things are so different now. I've mentioned to her my feelings and her reply is that it's all in the past and i cannot force her to do those things now. :( I on the other hand make every effort to keep her happy. Initiate dinners, programs to keep our relationship interesting. It is like I am dancing alone. I know that I do not expect to change her views, what can I do to manage my own feelings? This relationship is pulling me down but I do not want to give us up.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I agree, texting each other is not going to help, these conversations need to be done on a face to face level. You could be over thinking her messages and vice versa.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 I think you need to have these talk in person, OP - not over text.
Texts leave a lot to interpretation, it makes you read between lines that may not even exist.
TALK to her, and do it face to face.
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A
female
reader, kateisme +, writes (16 March 2016):
kateisme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, we kind of had a "talk" over text. I asked her why is she behaving hot and cold to me and it is making me very uncomfortable and i don't know how to react. She says to just ignore her, it will always happen. When i asked what did she like about me and her reply was "normal"I told her that i want to be with her to care and protect her and her reply was "i dont need to be taken care of or be protected" I feel that the signs are so strong that she obviously did not have any interest in this relationship. I haven't been sleeping at night and told her this morning that we need to have a talk. I cant help myself and added in text that "do you or do you not want to be in this relationship. I am confused" I know she doesnt like to be pushed and i may have perhaps pushed on all buttons available. This is causing me a lot of pain and heartache. Wish me luck :(
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (14 March 2016):
Generally the honeymoon period does phase out, maybe you are expecting a bit to much from her.
You want to not feel these feelings. Therefore try and look at the good things she does. Okay she might not write you letters any more, but there must be somethings she does that makes you still want to be with her, so when you are feeling a bit down think about these things. Take a pen and paper and write a list of things she does for you at this present time. It could be cooking you a meal, or even a hug. When you are feeling like she doesn't care take a look at the list and remind yourself what she actually does for you.
Now on the other hand if you struggle with this, then maybe you need to have a think about this relationship and is it something you both still want.
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A
female
reader, kateisme +, writes (14 March 2016):
kateisme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the reply, I am taking notes. Yes we had the talk way too many times now. I told her how we can easily resolve the issue if she had let me know that she is tired and want to rest at home. Me being overly sensitive feel affected when I catches her bad mood.She will then says that i always demand her to do things the way i want her to and she is upset that I do not give her the understanding when she is "tired". Now we had a tiff and not really talking now. It makes me sad :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2016):
I think it's pretty normal that the intensity slows down after a couple of years. Usually though it's replaced with other things, a shared history, intimacy and a more
thorough knowledge of their likes, dislikes and quirks.
And then you have some people who get lulled into a sense of "taking" the partner for granted OR just enjoying the ride. Not putting AS much effort in because they FEEL comfortable with their partner.
You two need to work on your communication skills a LOT more. Like you said you went out to dinner and she was not really in the mood to BE there, so she should have called you BEFORE the dinner and cancelled or planned a "let's stay in" night instead. WE ALL get days where we really aren't up for putting on a show, dressing up and being cheerful - we might not know that Monday when the night out was planned that Friday turned out to be a BUGGER of a workday or we slept like crap. IT happens.
I think you might not understand that a relationship evolves. Writing "anniversary letters" EVERY month might be cute the first year or ONCE a year - but those are things that should COME from the heart, and not be something SHE has to do.
You are also expecting some tit for tat. You say:
"I on the other hand make every effort to keep her happy."
So you presume SHE should do the same all the time, which.. may not be realistic. For HER.
IF I were you I'd sit her down and talk. SHE is NOT a mind reader and can not know what you EXPECT of her. Just like you don't REALLY know what she expects of you.
And maybe stop being the one "DANCING alone" as you call it, LET her SHOW that she too can plan things, arrange things etc.
And it might help you to try and curb your expectations a little. To actually RELAX in the relationship.
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