A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi so I'm 16 and part of me has wanted to have sex for the past year and a half maybe, but then the other part has reasoned with that part and is kind of scared. Yes I want to have sex (I'm still a virgin) but then when I hear about sex assault and rape convictions on the news I get scared. Last year I made the stupidest mistake of "hooking up" with this guy I didn't know too well, we were talking for a while before but I still didn't know him that well. By hooking up I mean we talked, then made out and did some sexual stuff, but obviously didn't have sex. At the time I was kind of caught in the moment, but afterwards it dawned on me that although I told him I wasn't ready for sex he could have raped me if he wanted to.. I mean we were alone and I didn't tell anybody where I was going or that I was meeting up with this guy. That is the stupidest thing I've ever done and actually put myself in serious danger. Now, I don't know, I'm just scared from the news and that day, what if i meet a guy, get really close with him and then he takes full advantage? Also, im 16 but i do look older, maybe 19, i dont dress slutty or anything just my general features and body make me appear older than i am. And ive been hit on and stared at by older guys before, i mean guys in their 20's, 30's or even 40's and this scares the hell out of me. I don't know what I'm actually asking or if this is an actual fear I just need some feedback please.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2016): The fact that you are so freaked out about the possibility of being sexually assaulted or raped makes me think you are really not ready for sex!
If I were you, I would wait to have sex until I had a boyfriend whom I loved and could trust.
Best wishes!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): Don't dwell on the incident too much. We all make mistakes. That is part of the growing up process. you seem to be very level headed girl and that is a huge plus for you which will keep you from many hardships. Good for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): The VAST, VAST majority of sexual assaults & rapes are done by a very small fraction of men who do it repeatedly. Over 90 percent of guys aren't like that.
Don't put too much stock in the "rape culture on campus" ideas. Nobody would get away with that kind of misleading information if it was being used to defame girls, but for some reason it's open-season on men in this culture.
I am not claiming the assaults aren't happening. But the numbers do get distorted, most guys aren't doing it, and most guys don't approve of other guys doing it.
If you want to avoid the bad guys then start by using your head. Most guys are not even very promiscuous, contrary to women's popular belief. The promiscuous guys do more hitting on women because they are indiscriminate.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 March 2016):
 I want to PREFACE my answer with this.
EVEN if the guy you had gone home with HAD been a rapist - IT IS not your doing, nor your fault. Raping or NOT raping is a CHOICE. It's not about how you look, how you dress or what route you take home. Don't EVER believe the CRAP people will tell you that it's someone YOUR fault. Wearing a short skirt is NOT an invitation to rape.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't think and use common sense.
Of course not all men will try and rape you given the chance. Most would not.
It's not ALL about what men could, would do, but YOU learning to not put yourself in situations that CAN lead to something negative for you. Unfortunately we still teach girls to "be careful when going out" and "have fun!" for the boys - because the likelihood of violence to a woman is insanely higher than towards a man.
And that also means EVERY girl NEED to take responsibility for her actions, her choices and... HER safety.
However, you are HARDLY the first girl to do something stupid and you are HARDLY the last. WE ALL make mistakes.
When I was in my teens (14-16) my group of friends had this game called "Hedge-run" we would literally run through people's backyards and through hedges and fences, at night. Now ANY of these yards could have had a guard dog or an angry old dude with a hunting rifle.... (we did get yelled at a few times, but no one ever got hurt).
Now I know it doesn't compare to rape. But you might still get the point of my story.
We PUT ourselves in situations that weren't safe. That could have gone horribly bad.
When my mom found out I was "schooled" pretty hard by her and I didn't do it again. It was to be honest, a bit of an Adrenalin rush and I think that was part of the "fun".
When you hooked up with this guy and went with him it too was a bit of a rush, you LET your hormones dictate your actions. And now you know... HORMONES can be pretty strong and they CAN override common sense.
So while it FELT nice to be wanted, it is BEST to try and not switch that "my safety comes first" switch off.
If you think that you are now too scared to date to get to know boys, then slow down. You can still do both and BE safe as well.
By take your time getting to know a guy, and do it in SAFE settings. Which means you do not go home with a guy you don't know, nor do you bring him to your place.
And remember NO ONE deserves to be raped. No one ASKS to be raped.
And older guys looking at you? well, not much you can do about that. You can however ignore them. EVERYONE (men and women) notices a pretty girl or handsome guy. Age doesn't make us blind :)
I would NEVER tell a girl to "not worry", because facts are 1 in every 200 (2006–07) women suffered from rape in that period. And unfortunately the number of rapes have gone up, not down in the last 5 years.
Just use common sense.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (13 March 2016):
 The experience you describe should tell you that hooking up is not your thing, therefore you shouldn't do it even tho it maybe rampant around you. The experience also says that you are not ready for sex, therefore don't have sex until you are ready even tho others may insist that you should given your age or stigmatizing you on virginity issue. This also shows that you are desirable physically by men but that does not mean that you should be putting out to please them. Finally, it shows you that you require greater dose of trust from your partner then just a few hours after meeting someone for s hook up.
So, I'd suggest you stop worrying g about sex, or lack of it, because forced issues often do not turn out right. Instead, focus on developing a more genuine friendship with a guy, a romantic connection that can build trust and if sex happens then it maybe less of a stigma.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (13 March 2016):
 I think you can relax a little. Not all men are rapists or have uncontrollable sexual drive. I believe most men will respect you. Having said that don't put yourself in compromising situations. Bad things can happen to anyone. You can help avoid most by due care.
Finally I believe all women should take some martial art training. Learn to defend yourselves. If you are in a tight corner it's good to be able to get yourself out. More than anything it will give you confidence, and remove the fear of being hurt.
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