A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am going to make this short as possible about 20 yrs ago I made the biggest mistake of my life I slept with my sisters boyfriend who later became her husband. I didnt tell anyone, but he did he told her and she confronted me and I denied it to her and everyone eles im my life. 5 yrs later I married the love of my life and everything was great until my brother-in-law told him that he slept with me and my husband was very upset and of course I denied it and he kept questioning me and I finally told him the truth, this almost caused a divorse, but he finally was able to get past the fact that i lied to him and life went on. Every time my husband and I have a disagreement he brings up my past and says I should apologize and confess to my sister and every one else I lied to. I live with such guilt and it just kills me when he brings up my past. I would rather die then confess and let everyone know my secret I plan to live with guilt the rest of my life and hate my brother-in-law for initiating it and then braging to everyone like he is proud of it. My husband does no wrong because everytime I get upset with him he through this in my face and has threatened to tell everyone my secret. I am so stuck can anyone please pull me out of this so called life I have. What can I do to make my husband understand that this is my problem and happened before I met him and should not be affecting our marriage the way it is. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Some of you say I should come clean and confess, I have been concidering that then I think wait a minute I confessed to my husband and he can't seem to get over it, so what says any one else will be able to and then I'll just have more people making my life miserable and will give my brother-in-law the satisfaction of being right. Just for the record my b-i-l is a dog that cheats on my sister all the time and my sister is no better they have some kind of sick relationship that they sleep around on each other I know this does not make what I did right. I do avoid seeing them and don't really have a relationship with my sister. So why should I feel so guilty when their life is full of cheat and disrespect? I don't know why I did what I did I was just very young and stupid I didn't now what love was it was no more than sex and if I new how much it would hurt myself and my sister I surely would have never done what I did. I just feel if I come clean know it will just cause more problems for me and Iam sure my sister probably knows the truth deep inside because she also avoids me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Some of you say I should come clean and confess, I have been concidering that then I think wait a minute I confessed to my husband and he can't seem to get over it, so what says any one else will be able to and then I'll just have more people making my life miserable and will give my brother-in-law the satisfaction of being right. Just for the record my b-i-l is a dog that cheats on my sister all the time and my sister is no better they have some kind of sick relationship that they sleep around on each other I know this does not make what I did right. I do avoid seeing them and don't really have a relationship with my sister. So why should I feel so guilty when their life is full of cheat and disrespect? I don't know why I did what I did I was just very young and stupid I didn't now what love was it was no more than sex and if I new how much it would hurt myself and my sister I surely would have never done what I did. I just feel if I come clean know it will just cause more problems for me and Iam sure my sister probably knows the truth deep inside because she also avoids me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Hi, although you have carried this guilt for 20 years your sister has had her doubts for 20 years as well. This is not fair on her and is still eating away at her. She too is still wondering whether her husband has lied to her repeatedly or whether you have (and indeed you have for all these years). Although you did previously deny any wrong doing, your sister deserves the truth. You have made her husband a liar when he was not by him confessing to sleeping with you. (although he really does seem like a toad). but lies compound lies. If you love your sister talk to her, better her knowing now than still wasting and wondering about this incident for years to come.
Yes you do not want anyone to know but you keep lying and act as though it did not happen. Yet it did, as unpleasant as it it, you need to understand that your actions did have consequences. Maybe if you confessed all those years ago, your sister would have been spared the continued humiliation you are causing her. By your constant denial she will be always suspecting but never knowing. You are actually emotionally taunting her, emotionally crushing her and emotionally killing her! Yes you are. The truth has come out but you want o keep it a secret. Why? So that you do not have to be the bad one and admit that you did wrong. You will have more supporters/sympathizers if you say, yes I made a mistake 20 yrs ago, i did sleep with X, I regret it, I am guilty. Please forgive me." Think of finally telling the truth. Your sister will be devastated (?), shocked(?), relieved(?). I really don't know. What i do know is that you have disrespected her for the past 20 yrs, surely as her sister you owe it to her to be truthful. You owe it to yourself to come clean. We all do not want to admit that we have done something wrong in the past, but we must. How else do you teach our children right from wrong, how else do we become better people, how else do we learn from our mistakes. You cannot just sweep this under the carpet; if you continue to do you are no better than your brother in law that boasts about his conquest! At least he was telling the truth, as hard as it is.
As for your husband, he also needs closure. He too has had tolive with your dirty secret for so long. It is also killing him that he is now part of this secret. It is not only your secret. This secret is needs to come out so that you all can heal, so that your relationship with your sister can some day be a better one. Do not let your relationship with your sister be destroyed by your lies. You only want to protect yourself but at what cost? to your husband? to your family/ your sister and her relationship with her husband. You have been the silent "other woman" in your sisters marriage for so long now, please allow her some dignity and tell her. She deserves the truth. It doesn't matter how long ago the incident happened, the fact that it happened needs to be brought out in the open. You have hurt her for so long with your lies, surely, oh surely you can see the error of your ways for so long.
You talk about your guilt what about your sister? Her mind must have been playing tricks/ working overtime during these years- Did she or didn't she, why is he lying, how can he make up such stories? can I trust him? et etc etc. Overdrive I tell you.
This is not only your problem, it affects so many lives. I know you want to hide it? What are you afraid of, (being human?). Your lies and deceit will cause so much more pain, You do not have to broadcast your secret to all. Perhaps both you and your husband meet and talk to your sister about what transpired. Yes she will be hurt, and angry, feel betrayed BUT FINALLY IT WILL BE OVER. Our actions have consequences and then we try to heal. Only then will you be able to move on, only then will you be able to look in the mirror and see a “true person/sister”, only then will you be able to say I am finally free. Lies …………………………….
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Your brother in law sounds like a complete asshole. I wonder if this story might be better "outed" just to force some consequences on him. Your sister can't be having much fun living with a man that would do this kind of thing to her.
It sounds to me like you fear the public repercussions of this secret more than anything else? Then I know this sounds crazy but maybe you should consider just telling your sister. It sounds like her husband is already trying pretty hard to make this thing public knowledge anyway.
There's no good way to improve the situation with your husband except for him to get over it. The best you can do is try to keep communication open with him about it and try to make him understand that you're no happier about this than he is. Remind him that his own sexual history might not be so squeaky clean either if someone from his past would pick & choose the most damaging few incriminating things to start spreading around.
If your husband is not a vindictive & judgmental person about most other things then I don't think his personality changed just for this. If he's still bringing it up then he's still feeling a ton of emotional pain over it himself. He does it to hurt you because he feels like you've hurt him and he can't make it stop.
When women lie about their sexual history and the truth comes out later, the way it twists a knife in their man is something that I just don't think most women will ever understand. And finding out that it's another guy they've actually known all these years make it worse. It makes him really feel like a sucker to your brother in law.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2009):
 One thing to remember is that your sister is the one who doesn't deserve to be hurt. She's done nothing wrong (I hope) and this conflict between you and your husband and between you and the brother-in-law has nothing to do with her. I think you have to make it clear to your husband and the b-i-l that dropping a bomb like this on your sister would be very selfish indeed.
Your husband has NOT gotten past this if he throws it in your face with every argument. It's obviously still a problem for him. So what do you do about it? Get yourself to a marriage counselor and work through that issue, among the others. I don't see any other way out for you, unless everyone suddenly snaps out of the selfish little snits they all seem to be in. Sounds like there's a lot of anger and bitterness floating around.
Get a professional marriage counselor and get to work.
All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You! Your answers were very helpful.
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A
female
reader, suepoooh  +, writes (18 March 2009):
I am suprised at how long people can hold grudges for. 20 years is a long time ago, you made an error in judgement and it is so long ago now that in fact it is now a mistake someone else made. If you have a strong relationship with your sister, it is possible that you could rid yourself of the guilt you carry and tell her. Or, you can just forgive yourself as you were obviously young and made a mistake. As for your husband, how dare he throw this in your face. Men are not good with arguements as their communication skills are often lacking, so he uses this as his get out of jail free card, but he is doing massive damage to your relationship and driving in a wedge. If he is an intelligent man you should have a mature chat in a good moment when you are not fighting. If not, perhaps a counciler can help you as a couple to deal with your real issues. If your husband is a black and white thinker, maybe a third person (counciller) can change his perspective so he can respect your decision and stop caining you. otherwise I imagine your marriage will deteriorate and may become very unhappy, perspective and communication are everything couples are meant to understand and support each other.
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