A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I feel a little lost at the moment.All my life, I've tried to fit in with people. I've never been great at it and I'm not sure why. People tell me all the time that I'm a nice guy, and I think that they are right to think that. I never try to get on anyones bad sides, and basically I think it's fair to say that everybody who knows me likes me in some sort of way.The problem is that I'm not sure I like myself, or how people see me. Sure, I'm a nice guy, but I think people perceive me to be a little stupid. I don't do all that well in class compared to most, and I can be a bit of a calamity sometimes. To sum up, I think people would consider me the person who's most likely to do you a favour, but also the most likely to knock a priceless vase of a pedestal. I don't like how I come across as "Nice but dim". It knocks my confidence. Along with the fact that I've only ever had a few girlfriends, and the longest relationship I've had lasted 3 months - the ex girlfriend is now with a new guy. He's a nice guy, and he's clever too. It makes me feel jealous.What do I need to do? How can I stop caring about what people think of me? How can I give people a new perception of myself? Please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): i think you're way too hard on yourself. most people with a low self esteem are. actually i've found most people with a low self esteem are perfectionists. if they're not perfect they think they're dim or not good enough, when usually they are actually really great people and more intelligent than most. i know how hard it is to get out of this negative pattern of thinking badly about yourself, but you have to remember at the end of the day it's about seeing yourself in a more positive light. so how do you go about this? every day look in the mirror and make eye contact with yourself. tell yourself you're special and worth it. that you're just as good as others. it may seem weird at first but after a while it sinks in and you actually start to believe it! hope this helps a bit...just that i have been to counselling for 6 weeks over self esteem issues, so can totally relate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately I've dealt myself another blow today.
We were on an outing with my university where were doing some filming for my course,, and I was one of the drivers. We all went as a group and got to our destination just fine. During filming, out everybody there, I was the only one who messed up, which I did a couple of times.
On the way back, I was fairly sure of the way. The people I was giving lifts for suggested waiting for the guy with the sat nav. But instead, one of my colleagues and I decided to go for it, because we were certain of the general direction. Everything was going fine, and then a sign for the motorway we were suppose to take came up. Unfortunately, we were on the wrong side of it, and ended up driving several miles in the wrong direction, before finally turning around. The whole way back nobody spoke in the car. Everyone was tired, but all the blame was placed upon me.
Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep making a fool I myself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLani, that is probably the best answer I've ever received. Sound advice, and very, very uplifting. Thanks very much to you, popcycle and anon.
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A
female
reader, Lani702  +, writes (22 May 2009):
 You sound very much like me when I was younger. I want to tell you a story of myself that helped me overcome my thoughts of hopelessness. I was in the Airforce when I was 18. Coming from an abused childhood, I didn't think very much of myself at all. Anyone in authority could just look at me wrong and I'd start to cry. Believe me, having a drill instructor yell at you in the face (his face 1-inch away from yours) and tell you how stupid you are is not the place to be if you already think you're stupid.
2 weeks into basic training the Elders from my church came to visit our flight. They asked who the members of the church were and I raised my hand and they handed me a little metal picture of the Lord that said "I am LDS" and they said to wear it with my dog tags and never forget who I was. From that moment on, I was different and I'll tell you why. This isn't about religion, this is about how it changed my attitude.
In basic training, if you walk around looking lost, with your head down you put out the vibe "I'm a Loser". People pick up on that and they'll dismiss you. By dismiss I mean that anything you say won't be important, anything you do will not be of any importance and basically, they dismiss you in their mind. After I received that token that I wore, I began to walk around with my head up, looking people directly in the eye, and answering them matter-of-factly. Basically, it's this: IF YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND THEY'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE. (And they'll start treating you with respect.)
This fact was brought home to me when I started marching across the field to go get something we needed at the paintshed. We weren't really allowed to go but we needed something from there to finish our assigned task and I said to myself, "This is stupid, everyone just standing around. I'm going there so we can get this show on the road!" and I started marching across the field and 5 people from my flight started following me. We were stopped half way there by an officer and when he asked us what in the samhill did we think we were doing - all five of my compadres looked at me to answer the guy. So I spoke up loud and clear, "We're going to the paint shed to get some paint so we can finish this task that we were assigned." He looked at me, looked at the girls and said, "Are you supposed to be going there alone?" And I said matter-of-factly, "No, but we have to get this done. I think its better that we just go get the paint then stand around and wait for someone to TELL us to go get the paint." And he said, "Good job. Way to take initiative. As you were." And we got the paint and finished our task.
Let me repeat. ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND PEOPLE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE. THEY'LL EVEN START TO FOLLOW YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE BECOMING A LEADER.
I just starting acting like I knew what I was doing and I became a different person. So much so that by the end of basic training the drill instructor pointed out to the entire flight that I might be his best success story. You know, take a loser, make a man out of him, etc., etc.
Anyway, I urge you to try what I did.
#1. ACT like you know what you are doing. Walk around with a purpose and don't be so self-aware. Don't think, "oh my gosh, I'm walking here and everyone's watching me and they all think I'm stupid." FORGET THAT. Walk with a purpose, head up, and ACT like you know exactly what you are doing.
#2. It'll be just an act at first. But as people start to listen to you, ask your opinion and even start to follow you, it won't be an act. It'll be how you really feel about yourself.
#3. Always remember who you are. You know what you're doing and where you're going and people will see that about you.
I urge you to try this. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): First things first, its not about what other people think of you. Stop worrying what others are thinking and focus on you and what you think of yourself. Be positive about yourself, work on the points you think are negative about yourself, look in the mirror and be proud of yourself!
Nobodies stupid, everyone is clever at something. Focus on what you enjoy doing the most, what your good at. Shine at that!
The most important thing is that you are happy in your own skin, YOU like who you are. Forget everyone else!
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