A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a one night stand at the weekend with a friend of a friend. I found him very sexy and I was very glad for it happening. It was good sex and it had been a while for both of us, so it was a positive experience. However we were both very drunk, and it probably wouldn't have happened otherwise, even though I wanted to, common sense would have prevailed.Problem is, I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions. I hoped it would lead somewhere, wondered if I should contact him. I sent a brief text the day after, which he replied to. I guess my question is, how do I feel better? I just feel awful. I guess it's because I would really love to have a boyfriend in my life. It has been a long time. I have just not met anyone who I am physically attracted to but also get along with. I have great guy friends who I'm not attracted to, and I've met a couple of guys I'm very sexually attracted to, like this guy I met recently. But none of those turn into relationships. I guess I just got my hopes up because it was the first time I've slept with someone I felt something for in a long, long time, so it was bound to make me feel sad. I guess I'll just have to give it time and keep waiting for my next boyfriend to turn up.What can I do to help myself move on and feel better about this?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 March 2015):
 By owning your actions.
If you say to yourself, well that was nice and NOT read more into the sex then it might make it easier.
The sense of guilt or shame or whatnot, is NOT because you did anything wrong, it's because you like so many other women have been HAMMERED with the "rules of society" that a woman is PROMISCUOUS if she has casual sex and a guy is a STUD! If you don't agree with that ( I for one don't) then don't accept the guilt. Regard it as in indulgence instead of a "sin".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't expecting a relationship from it. I know it was just one of those things that happened. I just wanted to know how to feel better about it. I know one night stands are not a good idea, but people make mistakes... well, I do anyway. I'm quite an impulsive person. So I can't promise myself that I won't do it again... But I just would like to know how to not feel so depressed afterwards.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2015):
You write:
" Basically I've decided it was a good experience. He made me feel good about myself. I needed that. "
Then hold on to that, hold your head up high and don't worry about it.
You didn't commit a crime, you didn't cheat or sleep with a married guy - IF you can keep the "wish for more" or "hope of a relationship through a ONS" you will be fine.
If you can HAVE sex, JUST for the SAKE of having sex, the go for it. Your original post came off as if you really HAD hoped that it would LEAD to more then just a ONS. Which is why I said, don't contact him further. And never TAKE a guy to bed with the EXPECTATIONS that he will turn around and WANT to be your BF.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): Of course you didn't do anything wrong. You had a pleasurable night and it would bethe end of it if you fell light about it. But you didn't. You had turmoils, and I know exactly how you feel, that's why I stopped doing it. We girls need to take care of our emotional well being. We are emotional creatures and it's not healthy not be in piece with ourselves. That's why to go into one night stand situation is very risky for our self image. UNLESS, you totally don't give a sh..t. If you feel now that you slept with someone hot and got it out of your system, and you feel happy about that's just fine, there is no wrong doing here. But your post suggested that you are a bit distraughti think that's why people were advising about first night stands, may be in a somewhat negative way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I got a bit snappy there. Basically I've decided it was a good experience. He made me feel good about myself. I needed that. Also he told me it had been a while for him also, so it was good for him. It wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway because like you say, if he was into me, he would still be in touch. So it was just a nice experience for us both. If I could go back I'd do it again, even though it's shook my emotions, I think I needed it. It was cathartic. I got to sleep with a hot man. I'm glad I went for it. It hasn't happened that often. So when it does, it feel pretty good. Say I held off from sex, we may never have crossed paths again and I'd have missed my chance. I'm happy I didn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBtw, I didn't keep texting him. I sent 1 text, to which he replied. That was it. Also sex does mean something to me, I don't sleep with just anyone, only guys that I really feel something for. But it doesn't always have to be in a relationship. Relationships end eventually anyway, sooo, how is this different? It's just a shorter time frame and less painful. I guess, honestly, things havn't gone well romanically for me generally. I had a long term partner but that ended badly. Then only short things that didn't go anywhere. So I am not expecting a boyfriend to walk into my life. So I saw a chance for a bit of happiness after years, and I took it. Can you blame me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I was feeling over it but now I've started ruminating after those last 2 comments :(
I want to just accept it and feel ok. I'm sure in time it will feel ok. I've done things similar before, and now it's all ok.
I guess right now I am not in a happy place so I wouldn't want to let anyone in emotionally anyway. I want to sort my life out and feel happy before I take someone along for the ride.
Besides, I think I knew he wouldn't want to go out with me, so I knew it would just be one of them, and as it had been a long time since my last boyfriend, I thought I could handle it. I forgot how shitty it feels. But it's just temporary. You get a big high, then low for a few days, then back to normal and on with the show.
I guess if I never had these experience, what sort of a life would that be? That would be dull. He is a guy from a long time ago who I thought was attractive and out of my league, so it was unexpected.
I know that guys will sleep with anyone they find sort of attractive, even people they wouldn't date. That's likely the case with me. But then I previously thought he wouldn't even think of me that way, so it was a surprise. So at first it was really exciting that it happened. But now I feel crappy and like I shouldn't have done it. I didn't regret it before, I just wanted to get over it. But now from you you guys have said, I feel like I've done something wrong that I should be ashamed of. I just wanted to connect with a beautiful man and he did too, and that felt great. It made me feel a bit more of a worthwhile person. But now I feel like I've let myself down or something. I guess I have because I'm in emotional turmoil, which wouldn't be the case had it not happened. But I may still have had a crush on him. At least I know now I have no hope, so I can just forget and move on. That's one good thing about it. He would not want to date me, so I don't have to wonder, what if.
Ok, good, I feel back to normal again, thanks :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2015):
You really only have ONE choice here.
CHALK the ONS up to a learning experience. Now you know that ONS or casual sex is NOT for you. YOU DO get emotionally attached when sex is added to the mix. He obviously didn't.
So in the future if you feel that alcohol was the MAIN reason you DID jump into bed with him - hold back a bit on the alcohol, be in control of YOUR actions.
Don't beat yourself up. You had sex with a guy you thought were gorgeous. One you MIGHT even date if you knew him better. So why feel bad about it?
One little wag of the finger though, if you are LOOKING for a BF don't jump his bones the first or first chance. It can make you SEEM like you aren't seriously about relationships or guys. (or much else)
I'd stop texting the guy. He isn't as keen on you as you are on him. Or he would have been on you like flypaper.
I've had quite a few chances for ONS's (before my hubby) and I never did it. Because I knew that for me SEX meant more then just scratching an itch. Know what you want. Don't settle for less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): Thats why I stopped doing it. I had plenty of casual encounters over the years, none of them turned into relationships. Chances are very slim. that a one night stand will ever turn into relationship.
Give yourself more time to find out who is in front of you, then there will be much less dissapointment.
Also, when we women mostly sleep with guys based on at least physical attraction, guys don't need that. They can sleep with whoever. Remember that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous, no I didn't post the other question. I wouldn't go for FWB. If I get this emotional over one night of sex with guy I'm not in a relationship with, no way I would carry on doing it. I know I need to be in a relationship with the person I sleep with. I think this time it was a combination of I just really fancied him, I havn't been with anyone for 3 years and there was a good chance the opportunity wouldn't come again, and I was very drunk. I let myself get carried away, because I fancied him. Made myself look like a arse and ruined any possible chance of getting to know him properly. But, that is life and I'm clearly not in the right state of mind for a relationship. I need to pass Uni, figure out where I'm going with my life, then hopefully I can settle down and find somebody. I just need to remind myself to get to know the guy as a person, as much as I can, and see if we actually hit it off before having sex. Must remember that...
Thanks guys!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Nora. I have friends back home who I keep in touch with and will see in holidays, so that keeps me going. There are nice people I talk to at work and school. I've just not made a group of friends here, you know, people to hang out with at the weekend. I think I just take longer than most people to make friends, or I've been unlucky this time and not found people on my wavelength. Or maybe I just need to make more effort to get to know the people around me. Either way, I have a busy couple of weeks, so time will go quickly. I just have to get through this feeling sorry for myself phase. I was ok before the one night stand. It's probably hormones flying all over the place or something.
Thank you for helping :)
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (11 March 2015):
ThankS for your follow-up it was very kind of you.Another ides would be would you consider having pen-friends,its always great in sharing and getting their letters.But it will pass just give it a little time .Take care Kind wishes NORA B.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Nora. I know I just have to ride this out then be brave and put myself out there to meet new people, like you say. I guess, part of it is I'm in a new place and due to a heavy work load for school, and just being too shy, I've not found friends to hang out with here. I guess that makes this loneliness feel worse. I guess, this time will pass, I just have to keep on plodding. Thanks for responding.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (11 March 2015):
That is the problem with one night stands-that is just all they are and while i can understand you were hoping that it might develope into something special ,more that often they dont.However it will pass and by writing this letter means you are Moving on . Would you consider joing groups- internet dating-tennis- cards-single clubs-Anywhere ther is a mixed groups of males and females.Just make friends first and then see where it goes .Take your time.But it will get better .Kind wishes NORA ,B
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): Just a quick,question,did you post this too by any chance:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-tips-for-friends-with-benefits.html ?The advice you've been given there is very comprehensive and basically I'd have said exactly the same to you if you we are a friend of mine struggling with the emotional impact of it all.For the record,I have- and I've never expected a relationship to come out of it. it is JUST sex. Nothing else.Nothing else at all.If you are hoping for a relationship-don't. Guys can separate between sex and relationships/love. So can I.It seems that you can't and you do WANT a bf not a fuck buddy. In that case, leave the fuckbuddy (coz he'll always be just that), stop wasting your time on him and go look for a bf.IF you WANT hot, heavy sex with NO responsibilities on either side: stay.IF you WANT a bf (as you said you do)-leave. Immediately. Otherwise your heart will get deeper and deeper in (whilst his won't).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): You can't do anything at all to feel better about that decision except give it time. And tell yourself you will never make that mistake again.You can't keep beating yourself up about it. You should acknowledge that you messed up and then forgive yourself. It seems you were looking for love in the wrong area. You are not a bad person, you simply thought you could get what you were looking for from that man. You will not find what you are looking for in sex. You will not find it in a man. You are looking for yourself. That is the love you are missing. Find out about your 'higher self' (google it if you aren't familiar) and create that relationship.Then, when a man does come into your life you are better prepared to have a meaningful relationship with his mind. The sex will come later and will be even better. So, forgive yourself, move on, find you, then create a beautiful relationship. Hugs!!!
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