A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a lot of issues lately with my self image. Whenever I talk to anyone about it they think I'm crazy because an attractive woman with a lot to offer. Even though I know that I still can't manage to feel worth much.My boyfriend and I have been together over 5 years and lived together for about 5 years. He's the type of guy who loves to appreciate other women. Its always bothered me a little bit but he used to compliment me and make me feel special and so I was OK with his behavior for the most part. Guys will be guys, I assume most men are similar to him.Lately there are never any compliments unless I ask for them and he is ever more attentive to other females everywhere we go. Ive mentioned to him and we've fought about it several times now that I would appreciate him not being so obvious about it. If you're going to look don't rubber neck and make it really obvious when I'm right next to you, do it discretely so I don't feel like dirt. Even my sister gets upset with his behavior when we are out because its so obvious. He always claims he isn't doing any harm and its my problem to fix if my self image is bad, he has nothing to do with it. He says its unfair to both of us for me to base my self worth on him.This all started around the time he mentioned to me he was really attracted to some of my friends and didn't know if he had the balls to commit to one woman and marry me like he's talked about doing for years now. Clearly that devastated me and tanked my confidence. He's tried profusely to make up for that and claimed he was just feeling pressured and that he does indeed want to marry me, he just has his doubts sometimes. But his attentiveness to other girls just keeps growing. Truthfully though, with me being in school for the past 3.5 years and my financial aid depending on me being single, there hasn't been much an opportunity to get married. I try to have faith especially since Im graduating soon but I'm so afraid.Aside from this he's a really good boyfriend and we are best friends. He clearly is not going to stop his behavior and I'm not sure I can move past what he said to me and deal with his behavior. I know its not terrible and he's not cheating, just looking but I don't know how to fix my self image if he refuses to help at all. I don't expect him to stop entirely but complimenting me once and a while without me having to ask and him being discrete when he does look would really help. I dont understand why thats asking too much! Is it just a habit he cant break maybe? My self worth isn't all based on him but to a large extent it is because he is the one I dress up for and care what he thinks. My friends all think he's hurtful for no reason and that I should leave. Even HIS female friends think I should leave. I don't want to leave but I can't live feeling this way for much longer and I can't handle anymore fights about this, neither can he. What can I do to help myself feel better??? I don't want to leave the man I have wanted to marry for years only find I will have all the same issues with the next guy. I feel like Im not good enough to find anyone who would be nice to me or deal with my occasional crying and womanly antics like he does.
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male
reader, SonOfMan  +, writes (17 January 2012):
 I don't think there's a guy out there who doesn't look at other women. Just as women do when they see someone attractive, it's natural. What does matter is what the intentions are behind it and what that will lead to.
In this situation, it's causing the relationship harm and making you feel upset and questioning your self image.
You need to address the situation in a calm and assertive way and make your feelings known to him. Once you have done your bit, then you can address yourself and work on that self image.
Yes people can say you should be happy with yourself and your partner should love you just the way you are and all that. The truth is we all have a superficial side but if we control it and use it for good it can improve our relationship.
You know what your he likes and what catches his eye. Use your womanly sexiness and intuition to bring that spark back. You have to realise you're not only doing this for him but also for yourself. You have to have confidence and self belief that you can achieve anything.
Think of this as a new challenge in your life which is exciting and productive. Also try to get him involved by talking to him and seeking his opinion. Ask him what he likes to see you wearing, what does he think you look good in etc.
You know your relationship better than anyone else and once you exhaust your options you can then make your decision to suit both of you.
A
female
reader, Usagi  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 honey, you need to take a good look in the mirror. in there you will see the person who is worth dressing up for, you! you shouldn't feel bad about yourself just because your bf is still a boy who acts like he hasn't ever seen females before! i won't tell you to leave him(i should though) since you still want him around, but for Merlin's sake have some more faith in you!
i BET you are pretty, you sound smart, and he is lucky to have you. just look in the mirror and list 5 things you like about you. then try 3 more, then just try to notice all the little adorable details about yourself.
as for the marriage plans... are you sure you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't make you feel like his special precious jewel any more? i mean most people decide to get married when they are both crazy in love, and i think that's the right thing to do. why bother with a wedding if it might end up badly?... maybe you should just be friends, and i am absolutelely sure you can find a new guy who will not have the "i-need-to-stare-at-them-and-drool" habit.
good luck with whatever you decide. and remember. you are precious, all people are, do yourself a favor and realise it soon.
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