A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone have any advice for things I can do to help myself develop an interest in someone other than my ex?We dated off-and-on for about two and a half years. I was sure I wanted to marry him. There were times when I think he was definitely thinking that far in the future, but never with the same certainty I felt. I ended it for good when he cheated on me - a one night stand with a friend of a friend he met at a bar while I was away on a two and a half month backpacking trip in asia. Things weren't where they should've been before the cheating (I seriously considered cheating while I was in asia, before I found out what he'd done), but that was the final illuminating moment that forced us both to just call it quits.It's been over a year. I'm still in love with him. I think about him all the time. I can't get over him; I can't move on.I've dated other guys, both casually and seriously. I've loved other guys, and I've suffered real pain when things have ended. I'm 29, and I'm not a magnet for unhealthy relationships or guys who treat me bad.And I can't get past this guy. I've gone on so many dates in the last year. I just can't muster any interest in anyone - not of the "hey-this-could-go-somewhere" variety, not even of the "this-will-go-nowhere-but-he's-hot-and-i-could-use-some-fun" variety. It's not that I go out with guys and none measure up. It's that I honestly, no matter how many guys I meet or how hard I try, cannot manage to feel even the slightest degree of interest in any of them. I'm going through the motions, just waiting to realize eventually that I CARE whether he calls or not, or that I WANT him to kiss me. I miss being able to feel attracted to guys.I don't think I'm depressed: I go out with friends; I started running a few months ago; I really like my job. It's like my heart is just broken, and not in the sense of "I'm-still-crying-my-self-to-sleep-every-night" (i'm not), but in the sense of "it's-not-working-right."I've been waiting for over a year, and I don't see any change. In general, I'm a person who likes to take action. If anyone has advice for something I can DO (as opposed to just waiting to meet someone who sparks some level of interest once again), I would very much appreciate hearing them.
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (10 November 2008):
 Ok honey, this chap is not coming back and things are now very different, Basically you are grieving for something and a shared experience with someone that you loved and you could see a future with. I have been divorced for 3 months and separated for 2 years. I too have gone out with lots of other chaps and I too feel absolutely no interest whatsover - I too think do I care if this person rings or not or I see them again and the answer is invariably not. This is a very slow process and one that is going to take a long time to get over. I didn't want to get divorced and I fought it and fought it but my husband didn't want to know. It is a soul destroying experience as he cheated on me lots of limes and I forgave but he really didn't care if I did or i didn't so it had to end. I am also a person who likes to take action, I cannot just sit there and wait for things to pan out, but for me and it appears for you there is no action to be taken. It is just the same as if someone had died , you are grieving for what may have been and for what you were hoping for. No one is going to fill this chaps shoes and you will continue to compare him against all others for a very long time. There is no quick fix or remedy for this. Doing anything that is remotely physical helps a lot, esp running. I run through Richmond Park most mornings and esp if I feel at a low ebb. You are still very young and when you are not expecting it someone will come along who will take his place and when you compare the two together you will think my ex didn't have such nice hair, wasn't as tall, fit etc. One year in the scheme of things is nothing. I have found the only way to get on with things is to keep fit, make an effort with your appearance every day even if it is only for you and the cat, eat well, work hard - most people meet their partners at work, go out for drinks in wine bars with friends even when you can't be remotely bothered and keep your attitude positive. I am by trade extremely negative and this just brings you down. Make sure you go out of the house every day even if it is jsut to buy milk.
To me you sound very level headed and not all depressed and you will come through all of this. The fact you are so aware of the feelings and how to help yourself is a very positive sign. Keep going and keep away from him and places that remind you of him. You will come through this and find a spark with another just by continuing to do what you are doing. Send a message if I can try and help more. xx
A
male
reader, ez4u2say +, writes (10 November 2008):
Not only your heart but your ego has been bruised, this makes it much harder to let go.If you thought about cheating then you were not in love to begin with. In his defense I have to say my girl were gone that long I would be doing the same thing he did. Men need attention too. You want to get his attention go out but don't sleep with one of his close friends. He will notice and with a high percentage chance call you. It will bother him trust me. During this call don't be the weaker person. Tell him you think about him from time to time and want to meet up somewhere to catch up old times, say nothing more. When you meet up see how you feel before you open your mouth. Look for imperfections, bad teeth, poorly dressed, scars, pimples etc. Ask yourself was he really that great? If so maybe go out on a date if not your now ready to move on knowing your ego is healed. Since he is human trust me he is replaceable!
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