A
female
age
30-35,
*ilmamma08
writes:Ok. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. We just had a baby. About 10months ago i found out he was role playing with other woman on the internet and was constantly beating off to porn when i was not around. He promised he would quit but he is still doing it and lying about it to my face. I always catch him in the act. This is making me feel like i am not good enough for him. i am so much bigger than what i was when we got together but i don't know what to do anymore. i cant take it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Actually it pornography doesn't affect and cause all women such trauma. Some men and women like it, some don't. If one likes it and one doesn't, then they need to either compromise and reach and understanding or they have to admit they have different interests and break finish the relationship. Simple as that. Nobody should FORCE anyone to give up what they like, or FORCE somebody to like something the don't. Like everything else in relationships, it's about communication and compromise.
The reason the men made suggestions about your sex life, because pornography is also used to get ideas to introduce into the bedroom. Many men have desires that may not be met, and they maybe embarrased to tell their partners so they leave it to the fantasy off porn. Some men can replace pornography with different sexual acts in the bedroom. Some women that hate pornography have found that making their own videos, or doing sexy things dose help to replace it. This might work in your case. But sometimes men will continue to look at pornography, because it's not really about proper sex at all. It's all fantasy.
He's use of pornography dose not mean he dose not love you and he dose not think your the best. In his mind it's no more than looking at any other magazine or video. There is no reason to feel bad about yourself, cause he chooses to be with you. Them other women are not real, they can't steal your man, and unless he is sick, he's not gonna reject you for them. Take a look at the index under pornography, and you will find a range of views and support about this whole subject. Read what different women and men have to say, and then have a calm discussion with your boyfriend and maybe you may begin to understand him better, or maybe he may listen to your concerns and just stop.
Why would you feel bad about yourself, do you feel bad when he's reading a book or watching a movie. You must have confidence in yourself, the things he dose should not strip you of your own natural self-esteem and confidence, those things should belong to you and should not be dependant on any man. Check the links and talk to him and see if you can agree to something workable, or otherwise split up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Why do so many men say that maybe the reason the guy is using porn is something lacking in the couple's sex life. Many women will tell you they had frequent and great sex UNTIL he starting using. Many men stop being able to be turned on to their wives AFTER they start using. YOu guys make it sound like it's the woman's fault. My own ex admitted he used through ALL of his relationships, and that it always comes back no matter what. At least he admitted that it had nothing to do with anything the women did. But it AFFECTS us--not just our self-esteem (which is huge), but our sex lives. But even though his porn usage starts out having nothing to do with us, the impact on us is huge. That can't be ignored. That pain can't be talked away. The only solution is his getting help to stop. The men who are empaths understand this and they will help rebuild their marriage. But if they don't, then leave. Staying in a situation like this kills the soul.
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A
male
reader, ez4u2say +, writes (10 November 2008):
It is normal but not as often as you make it sound. Most men do it but would never admit it. It doesn't always mean he wants to cheat or will cheat.If your holding back on sex it could be part of the reason or maybe he is just bored with the type of sex your having. When he is away check the history and see what type of porn he has been watching. If its normal or something different. If it's off the wall type things such as child,hermaphrodite, or weird stuff then by all means get him out away from you and the child. Ask him if there is something missing in your sexual relation ship, it may be he wants things done differently because has become bored. Maybe some nice lingerie and be a little kinky all guys love that stuff! So what if you gained a little weight there are many men that find that attractive heck even I do. Not supersize mind you but a few extra pounds is not such a bad thing. Talk to him and get right to the point, just ask what is wrong with your sex life? But honestly sounds like nothing or no one will keep him satisfied. Sounds like a bad case of ADD.It's your choice but I wouldn't live that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): You shouldn't take it, period.
I've had the same problem before, and I felt the same as you do now. Most people told me guys watching porn is normal, and that I was just being insecure and I should deal with it. I don't agree.
Some girls are okay with it, some aren't. It's something that comes up in most relationships I'm sure, and you need to deal with it early on.
You need to talk to him again, no matter how useless you think it is, and really put your foot down. You shouldn't be made to feel like you're not attractive enough, or not deserving enough... ESPECIALLY since you've just had his child. It's disrespectful because he knows how you feel about it, yet keeps doing it. It's disrespectful because he continues to do it and lie, even after you catch him.
I've known situations like this to end marriages, and while I'm not suggesting you end the relationship, you need to remember that you're just as important as anyone else, and you deserve to be happy too.
Bottom line: If he can't respect your feelings after everything you two have been through, and chooses to lie to you instead, is that someone you want to be with? That's a question only you can answer.
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