A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband divorced me after 15 years. I tried everything to make him try again and not give up after so long but he didn't care. Since then things have been very bitter between us by him holding out on money and me being very difficult over him spending time with the children. He walked out a year ago and hasn't spoken one word to me since, only communicating via the solicitors. This has meant that I have never received any closure on why he left. I only found out via my solicitors where he was now living which is miles away from us . We have only seen each other in court but he will not look at me. I have gone to court and got a consent order re money and bills and he tried to get a defined consent order re the children which he then dropped when the children told him they didn't want to see him at the moment, they are both teenagers. We now leave each other totally alone and he never has anything to do with us. I have had councelling to help me get through this and to deal with uncertainty and fear for the future but it hasn't helped me. I would like to get things onto an even footing with him but any texts or emails remain answered and even if I try to hold out the olive branch I am totally ignored. What can I do to get some line of communication open?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): He's still mad right now but I do understand why you want to communicate with each other, preferably in a calm, rational way that allows you to make reasonable decisions together, in regards to the lives of the kids. He is after all, still their father. Sadly, I am not really sure you can get some line of communication going here, a judge can assign a family mediator who can help him to understand the importance of doing this. re: civil contact in regards to the children but will that help. A court could make a decision based on what is in the best interest of the children, not simply based on what your ex husband feels or thinks.
I find it amazing how divorce gets so bitter, like this. Hurt feelings and anger really make it tough for the kids, left behind. The semblance of 'trust and respect' that was once so predominant in the marriage, just gets shattered to smithereens. Your ex husband is being very self-involved, he's not forgetting the tough times and moving forward. You, however, are somewhat more forgiving and want to keep in contact. Which I commend you for doing that. But if your ex husband doesn't want direct communication, then he's still sporting a big grudge and he's finding it easier to simply...disconnect. And I am sorry, as those teenagers of yours do need an involved, strong father figure in their lives. However, if their father does wnat back int heir life, encourage them to see him. Don't let them carry this pain. They are the ones that lose out the most.
So stop exhausting yourself by doing this and just accept that he has chosen his life path and that is to...be hurt, angry and bitter about this whole thing. My suggestion is: any concerns or big decisions you have in regards to the kids, then email him and state that if your don't hear from him within a couple weeks, you will go ahead and do what needs to be done. Keep copies and records of all the emails or letters that you send to him. In the meantime, please drop the fight and do all you can to develop your career and a social life outside the 'scope of your family'. It's time to take the focus of a sullen, angry ex husband and begin focusing on the kids. Is there any male family members you can think that could help you, by spending time with the kids? Grandpa, Uncles, Cousins? Anyone, who you would feel would be an excellent role model for them? If family members from your ex husband's family (in-laws) step forward and want to see the kids, then allow it. The children need to be connected to them as well, provided they are good, responsible people.
If you have a career, then continue on. You may have to downsize to a smaller home, or try your best to live on a budget, to get by. If you do not have work, then look into a job or getting yourself educated and making aan independent, solid life for yourself and the kids. Look after yourself as well. Search for the means to gain support and have a healthy social life with a group of trusting friends, who can offer you support. Meanwhile, protect your children from the situation as best you can. And as for closure..your closure came the day he walked out. He's not going to give you anthing more than that so I am sorry. You need to 'accept' that and 'move on'. It's just the healthier way and the kids need you to do this too.
Good luck, hun and take care yourself and those kids!
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 October 2008):
I hate to use the kids in this but since they are both teens they may be old enough to try and help.
Get one of them to call him up and ask him to please tell them why he left.
If you are not comfortable with that (and I can easily understand why you wouldn't be) then call his mother and ask her.
Good Luck!! xx
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