A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm just plain confused. My (ex) fiance told me "I'm just not in love with you anymore. After four years together I thought we were pretty much set and until just recently she seemed very much in love with me. But what I'm confused about is that when we gave each other our stuff back and hugged she cried, and I've been wanting to ask her about a few things and how she feels but she tells me "I can't yet, this is hard for me". I would think that if she wasnt in love with me anymore then she wouldn't have cried or had this much trouble. Another thing is that her mom got ahold of me (her family really liked me) and said that she's doesn't hold any hard feelings towards me but she also added that my exfiance was saying that she doesn't think I love her. Could maybe that be it? Like a self defense. Get out of the relationship before I would hurt her? Another thing is that she cheated on me once before and I took it really hard but we stuck it out and got over it, I was also thinking that maybe it could have happened again and instead of telling me and thinking I'd dump her she dumped me so I wouldn't have to know and go through that. Kinda like hurt me less to protect me from a bigger hurt. I don't know, I'm just comfused and I want to do what I can do to fix it, I just don't know if there's anything I can do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the help and I did notice that as I got more comfortable I didn't 'try as hard'. Thank you for the advice and ill put it to good use.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I am of the belief that if you love someone, you would never cheat on them. Not if you truly love someone in a respectful, adult, empathetic way. But you got over that and moved on.
It sounds to me that she still really cares for you and your relationship meant a lot to her(hence the crying), but somewhere along the line she has lost that "in love" feeling.
I have a hunch(from the mum saying that she felt you didn't love her anymore) that this could be because she feels you have been neglecting her in some way. I have noticed that when guys get comfortable in a relationship, they tend to stop making romantic gestures and don't show their girlfriends as much attention and affection as at the start of the relationship. These kinds of things tend to be important to a girl. We want to feel wanted. If a guy stops being as affectionate and makes less of an effort, it can feel like he doesn't love you as much. Do you think perhaps you took her for granted a little towards the end? It could be that she has been holding some form of resentment for some time, to the point where this has eaten away at her love for you. It is sad but this happens.
If you want this relationship to work, you need to communicate with her. Let her know exactly how much she means to you. Make one last big effort, before she moves on completly. Make some kind of big romatic gesture. Tell her you are sorry if you have not made her feel like she is the most important thing in your life and that you really want to make it work. Try to get her to open up to you about why she feels she's lost her love for you.
This may be a hard thing to do, if she is strongly resistant and determined to move on. But if she deep down really loves you, and is really just feeling that you stopped loving her, she will come round. But you will have to convince her of your love.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Something has happened, more likely than not, which she doesn't want to tell you about, that could be a lot of things (rape, infidelity, sex abuse as a child, drug use, psychological issues unrelated to you, etc.).
I would suspect, based on what you have said, that it is more likely that she thinks that you WON'T love her if you know what she has really done, or if you knew the truth about her.
Which isn't true, people cheat and love doesn't die, people break up and find that they don't really love someone else, and all sorts of things happen in life, but relationships do end and people stop talking, often forever in today's society.
There is something you can do. Forgive her for anything she might have done, and move on with life. Tell her that. If she ever wants to come to you and clear her conscience, then she will. It may take 20 years or more, she may never clear it, but she clearly knows that she can't continue in the relationship in good conscience and has ended it (for whatever reason that is).
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