A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need help. All my adult life I've had disatrous relationships. I was always too trusting and have been cheated on, lied to, used, even raped, the lot. 8 months ago I met a woman and begun a lesbian relationship. We hit it off straight away and I know 100% she's the one. Looking back I feel there was always something missing when I was with men and have obbviously now realised this was because I was gay. I've come out and everything there went fine. I am truly happy with my partner and we have now moved in together and are planning my future. My problem is that my baggae from years of being fucked about in relationships is starting to affect my current relationship.I almost feel as though I am paranoid something is going to go wrong. I know we are blissfully happy and my partner would never cheat on me but can't shake the horrible feeling she'll break up with me and ill loose all of this happiness. I suffer from post trauamatic stress disorder and have panic attacks as a result and this doesn't help matters. My partner is understanding and reassures me she wants to marry me and have kids and live by the sea but I get scared.Recently I've found that when we have a tiny argument, like all couples do, I find myself goading her to break up with me. I say mean and heartless things, which I know deep down I don't mean. Luckily she knows this too but I'm starting to hate myself for making her cry. I've spoken to her about all of this and she thinks it may be that I've been messed around and hurt so much that I subliminally want to get the hurt of a break up over and done with.When we argue I find myself looking for the easiest argument to wind her up with but I want to stop. I love her so much. I feel like when it happens, I change into someone else and become aggressive and nasty. I don't like myself like this. When I calm down I feel as though I've caused so much destruction. MY gf understands and says its fine but I know its not and I want it to stop.What can I do to address these demons from my ex relationships. I know I have nothing to fear with my partner but still feel as though I'm taking my anger out on her. Please help, she's the one and I've never been this happy before* I don't want to drive her away.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (13 May 2011):
 its good that you recognise you have got a problem, some people just carry on making the same mistakes, hurting others in the process and never taking responsibility for it. your next step is to get help to get over the events that have led you to behave like this. it sounds like your self esteem and confidence in yourself have been so crushed by your past bad experiences that you don't believe you are good enough for her and on some level you want to push her away so that she can't let you down like all the men have done. i think you would benefit from counselling, your GP can arrange this for you.
the sooner you do this the better. yes your partner loves you now but if you carry on hurting her like this, her patience with you will probably run out. in the meantime it is always very important to be honest with her about your feelings. if you have lashed out verbally at her when you know it isn't her fault, make sure you tell her what is truly on your mind and make sure you are not too proud to apologise to her
best wishes x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): I'm a straight guy. For the record it doesnt matter if a person is straight or gay, feelings are feelings.
My gf of one year has had similar experiences as you, although I don't believe she was raped. If she was she didn't inform me of it.
She sometimes used to hit the self destruct button. She felt she is not worthy of me and a loving relationship, that she is not good enough..all because of her past experiences. She has recently went through a divorce. By the way she is absolulty gorgeous, intelligent, funny etc..everything I want in a woman and more! I will stand by her because I love her with all of my being and I understand what she is going through. (I am divorced so I've had all the trauma of breaking up a family). That's what people do when they love each other..stick together.
My advice to you is the same as what my gf did.
One word 'counciling'. It will help you address your insecurities and fears. Go for it, be brave you will not regret it. You will be stronger for your relationship and life in general. It takes time but when you work through this you will not believe the positivity and love that life has to offer. Heal yourself first before you can love and be loved.
I hope this helps and good luck. :-)
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A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (12 May 2011):
I agree with Cerberus.
And I think there's one more important thing.
In your past relationships, you trusted too much, did too much for other people. And now you're angry and chaotic. But at the heart lies probably some belief that only other people can make you happy. And that you need them. And that there's nothing you can do to make yourself happy.
You sound so scared you'll be left alone and this fear seems to drive you mad, makes you do stupid things, makes you sacrifice yourself or push those away that might hurt you by fulfilling your fear.
Find your center. Find your happiness, your peace, your trust in life. Build up good friendships too, don't put all your energy and focus into this relationship. Stay an individual. Always be sure that you can survive whatever lies ahead of you. Only then can you take the risk of loving and getting hurt.
You're 21, as your profile says, and you've had a lot of relationship history already. It's just a guess, but it sounds that through your adult life, you've never had a long phase were you actually learned to get by yourself and build a life that suits you on your own. What I mean is, slow down a bit. Even if you've found the one now, take your time to find out what you want in life, what your interests are, and have the courage to make these plans yourself and also do things that don't involve your partner. That way, you can get some sense of independence and maybe that makes you less anxious and more healthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): Go seek professional therapy OP. Somewhere you can learn to control yourself in an argument. I mean my advice would be to learn to see the signs of that rage building up, then learn a way of getting rid of that. Walking away and taking five minutes to calm down. Counting to 100, etc. That advice is all well and good, but you need to go find a professional who will work with you through that, where you can practice that and find a different outlet to vent your anger in those moments.
Don't worry too much, your partner will be patient, but do go get help, be patient with yourself and just work hard to improve that.
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