A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i feel so stupid for even asking this question but i have been dating this 69 year old man for 3 years and 3 months and i have been to this site many times. what would be the best way for him to tell his adult children (36 and 40 year olds) that he has a right to his happiness and his right to remarry if he so chooses. they are very selfish and jealous people and very self centered. he is a people pleaser and is very codependent. he wants me but he also does not want to get them straight. by this i mean that since we have been back together, they told him that they will not be with him if i am with him.. they have not dumped him but i can never participate in any of him family activities. however, my adult children are very mature and always invite him and include him. it did not used to be this way until we broke up and i know almost for sure that they made him breake up with me. i am sure that in order to please them he did break up with me (this past july). We have been back together since september. befoe that break up i was always invited and accepted by him family. these kids cannot breath without him and can never solve a problem....he always does it for them. he has promised me many times to tell them that we are a couple and they need to stop trying to break us up and that there will be consequences that they may not like if they continue. as i have said before, i have even had to lay down in the back seat when we first go back together because he had a fear that someone would see us and tell his family. we had already scheduled a cruise before he broke up with me last summer and i had a fit, so he called his children and told them he was going to still go and his son-in-law said the following to this man's daughter while she was on the phone with my man: f__that old man , he no longer exist in my life". they were furious that he still went on the cruise with me. however, after our return, he bought and installed a dishwasher for this son-in-law and my man's daughter. he also bought 4 expensive items for the nursery. he helped with a new front door and always does everything that they ask of him. i think that since we have been dating for the length of time that we have they all have gotten nervous for fear that we will get married and he might give their "inhertience" away to me. i have told him that i will sign a prenupital agreement but this is not enough because they want him at their beckoning call to do repairs or babysit if needed and if i am with him he is not available all of the time. i do stay with him but maintain my own apartment and when his sister and brother-in-law visit i have to leave and go back to my apartment because they don't want him to have anyone either because his brother-in-law wants him ready to go fishing or hunting at a moments notice and if i am with him then he may turn down one of his invitations. he is so afraid that he family will dump him and not speak to him but yet he loves me (or at least he says he does). i have told him that if he will deal with his inmature adult kids they will make him think that they will never speak to him again and he will never see his grandchildren again but i just know that they cannot live life without his help. please tell me something that i can do to make this man wise up and decide to tell his kids to buzz off and also tell me if when these people come into town, do i do exactly what my man wants me to do (go to my apartment and stay until they leave town) or do i refuse and make him deal with it. i do not want to break up with him because i am in my sixties and i am a very lonely person. please tell me what you guys think. thanks so much.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2008):
 I'm afraid that if you give him an ultimatum, you'll lose. If he hasn't stood up for himself and your relationship by this time I highly doubt he ever will. You can try it and see what happens, or you can adjust to being second fiddle.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Whatever age you are these adult-children your partner has to put up with should be ashamed of themselves. If you are happy together they should be pleased for you - end of. To pass judgement and actually sabotage another persons right to freedom, happiness and peace in their later years is totally selfish. Phew! Now I have that off my chest time for some practical advice. You must set some tougher rules and be prepared to put your relationship on the line. Different to your situation but a male friend of mine married a lovely lady who was a little older than himself. His mother hated the woman and made a lot of trouble. In the end this guy told his mother well if you cannot be civilised you will not hear from me. He hasn't spoken to her for years - but his loyalty is with his wife. Your partner is not having an intimate relationship with his offspring. They have their own life?? Surely he can see that it is time for him to be selfish now. I think you have to set an ultimatum and mean it - however daunting that sounds what on earth is the alternative? Can you move away - be less available or just take more holidays? You need to establish your own lives as you could have a good 20 years of healthy living ahead of you. Of course we are not there to see how things are but I get the feeling perhaps you are a bit too needy for this man and he knows this so would rather let you 'pay' the price for his people-pleasing and doormat like existence than stand up for himself (you and the relationship)and of course it is the easiest option for him. Are you making it too easy for him to do this? You need some tough love on that man.
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