A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:To start with I know woman like to say stuff like "your wife just needs you to be more affectionate" on these types of forums when men say they have this problem. This isn’t one of those situations at all...let me explain. Me and my wife have been married for 2 years now and known each other for 3. I am a guy with a high sex drive always have been, she married me knowing that I was. And I married her knowing that she didn’t have the sex drive that I have and that there would be times that I would be a tad frustrated but I love her and it's ok. But it’s been a year now and it’s getting to be not ok. Every time I try to make love to my wife I am rejected.And every time it hurts like hell. I am a passionate lover and I love foreplay I am not a guy that goes for a quickie. She’s either too tired, not in the mood or any number of excuses. I’m fair; yes my wife has the right to be tired.We have a baby now She’s given me a reason to believe she cheats just that we do it so infrequently that it’s hard to believe sometimes that one of those far few between times resulted in a baby lol.Anyway back to her having a reason to be tired.She works in the medical field we have a 5 month old little girl that we both adore. But I work 40 hours too I have a desk job she’s on her feet constantly. But regardless both of us have been off for over a week. Her grandma died and we got bereavement and then following it our companies that we each work for has been out for a few days for Christmas and we both go back to work on Wednesday. During this week that we’ve been off I understand a death in the family so I’m not trippin, when you're grieving you’re not in the mood for sex. But we cuddle I kiss her and were affectionate to each other and there are no complaints in our marriage from either party. We both do our part. Question is.....I get sex maybe once a month if that! She gave me head the other day in exchange for me doing baby duty at night for the next 3 days; lol we take turns. And she does those deals sometimes and I take them but using sexual favours only to get something out of it when you’re married to the person seems kind of screwed up right? There is no romance or passion in our marriage and it isn’t like I don’t try my hardest. I work hard and work overtime I rub her feet when she’s tired I watch the baby when she is too tired to. I love her and I show it. All i ask is for some sexual intimacy from her from time to time I have needs and not having sex with me is bad but what is worse is the rejection every damn time I try! She doesn’t even kiss me for more than 5 seconds because she knows what I’m trying to do. However I do have friends that are girls that would in a heartbeat but I’ve never cheated on her and I have no plans to but the fact that the thought crossed my mind bothers me! I miss my wife. I want to make love to my wife and she doesn’t want to make love to me, what do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice i agree it comes down to either sticking with it and accepting this is how it is or moving on. I did make vows so maybe ill just love my wife and be fustrated from time to time. We have talked about it....and i think its just gonna kinda be this way. Our life together is aeesome regardless its this small part that drives me insanity lol ill figure it out
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): I think this is just the best that your relationship is ever going to get, sorry to say that but you two are just fundamentally very different in this one area which is very important to you. Your wife can't become different from who she and who you knew her to be going into the marriage.
Can you learn to be content with what you have? I think that really is the only way if you're going to stay married to her. I mean, you can do a lot of things to "get" more from her, and it sounds like she is making efforts as well, but it would just be the outward action not with inner enthusiasm and I presume you don't want that you want her to actually like it as much as you do but that's not going to happen because she just is very different from you.
So...I would say at this point whether the marriage continues or not depends on you. You're the one who is frustrated and unhappy. So it's your call if you want to lower your expectations to be more realistic, honor your marriage vows and accept that marriage requires sacrifice (hey it's not like you don't get ANY sex at all, just that it's not enough for...for what exactly?).
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reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Thank you for following up, OP. Like a doctor diagnosing a patient, more information and knowledge helps paint a more accurate picture, thus giving more accurate advice.
Did you say that it was just this past weekend that her grandma passed away? If so, you may want to wait a little bit to do what I'm going to tell you to do:
I agree with the others, if what you're saying is true, it sounds like you do share the burden of the house and the baby and other chores with her as it is. She should never use sex to get you to do what she wants.
Sex drives are never static...they flow up and down based on stress, age, diet and exercise levels, and other things. My husband and I were very blessed with a similar sex drive, but there were times when stress got to him and he was more tired than I was. Not to mention that when I was sick (Like I said, I was on dialysis for awhile, was sick for a bit before that and for a month or so after the transplant), my drive was considerably lower than his. Luckily, these were temporary.
When I was at a low drive point, I often relieved my husband's tension with lots of oral and other techniques, making sure that he felt loved and de-stressed. This helped particularly during the 6-week stretch after surgery where sex for me was banned. I was feeling like I wanted it after a month, but what I needed was closeness.
Likewise, when my drive was high and he was under stress, he helped me along too as well, but he also gave me what I really craved...cuddling and affection.
Sex is extremely important in marriage. If she was close to her grandma and is grieving, giving her a few weeks isn't unreasonable. But I think you need to sit down and talk to her about how you're feeling. I know you feel unwanted, and your self esteem is already taking a hit because of your feeling like you put on weight.
Don't initiate conversation right after a rejection when you're feeling frustrated. Talk about this on a Saturday or Sunday when she's off and explain how you feel, that you can't live with bribe sex once every 2 months (I'm with you...I'd go insane!). I would feel unloved too if my husband did that. It matters to feel wanted and to be allowed to express that love through sex.
Instead of making her the problem, externalize it and treat her like you both are on the same team. Enlist her help in coming up with ideas to increase the intimacy in the marriage. If she gets defensive, be honest with her and tell herthat constant rejection of your sexual advances, and the fact that she never initiates makes you feel like she doesn't love you and wants out of the marriage.
She could use medical help if she's depressed or is already taking medicine that lowers libido. If she's using sex to bribe to take over some house duties, like I said earlier, a little money to get outside help for household chores like maid service or laundry detail, or taking out a few extra meals rather than having her cook and wash dishes, and maybe a quick meal like cereal and toast rather than a big breakfast every day with its own share of greasy dishes and workload. Those Jimmy Dean breakfast bowls are really nice when you want the big breakfast taste without the mess. A multivitamin can work wonders too!
Remember, the new baby and the grief will dampen the sex drive. In this time, can you live with other ways she can get you off, like oral or hand jobs or other creative ways to do something? Also, many women start automatically rejecting sex when they otherwise wouldn't when groping becomes excessive. Example -- every hug ends in a feel-up, or when she rubs your back, you move her hand to your crotch or something. Sometimes, affection is what it is, and always adding the grope can turn off a woman and make her distrust your touch.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Sadly it sounds like you are doing what you need to do...
and it sounds like you married her knowing her drive was lower.
so now you have to decide what you want to do....
here are some options for you. granted not all of them work for all people:
1. divorce her and find a woman with a similar drive
2. suck it up and deal with her lack of drive and your high drive and masturbate a lot...
3. cheat on her
4. approach her about you taking a lover to satisfy your sexual needs.
you keep saying this is about making love to your wife....
but if you have a good life with lots of affection as you say... then it's really about sex and orgasm for you... because the part of making love that is key for many women is the affection and the kisses and the cuddles...
It got me through 6 months of no sex with a man who has almost no sex drive....
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 December 2012):
 May I post again?
My "point" was (and is) that, when two people try to make a relationship happen.... but those two people have a mismatch of their desires relative to sensuality/intimacy and sex.... then they are NOT a compatible couple.... and it may be that the best - or, ONLY - solution is for them to go their separate ways.......
I think the OP has clearly described a situation wherein he did all that any guy/partner would do to BE a good partner.... (and she - wife - didn't do anything to scuttle their marriage/relationship, either!)....and there really are no ancillary considerations here..... There's just a mis-match....
Swallow hard and "take the medicine" (a separation)...
You will BOTH be happier.... as you (both) will be free, if you wish, to pursue other partners with whom you DO have a better match.
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo my wife has never distrusted me and i never given her a reason to.... My last realationship before her lasted 3 years and in my last realationship we had has all the time it was a pure physical realationship and we stayed together because the sex was awesome....she cheated on me several times and it was ended . After my ex i was only with 2 other people and they were one night stands, then i met my wife....she knows my history and i know hers, i leave my cell phone out in the open and she knows the passwords to all my accounts and we share a bank account so no,.....trust isnt the issue, but maybe attraction could be, i asked her many times because being rejected by my wife over time caused me to have a tad of anself esteem issue....she assures me shes still attracted to me. She just doesnt feel like having sex. I gained a few pounds when we got together but thats it.....also to respond to your post, i just said we share duties and i do everything some nights so she dont have to, she apprecaites it so no its not that she thinks i dont do enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): You need to LISTEN to your wife and really try to understand her first before you have any hope of building up intimacy rather than just negotiating emotionless sex for other chores. Obviously you are trying to understand her point of view but I think there's still a lot you don't know about her because you keep referring to her lack of desire as "excuses ". This is basically invalidating her reasons for not wanting sex or saying you don't accept her reasons as valid. Because you them as "excuses".
Despite the good things you do for her, invalidating her perspective on a contentious topic (which is what this sex issue is for your marriage), just puts a wall between you and this rift grows bigger over time even though outwardly you are still doing a lot of nice things for her. It pits you against each other rather than both of you working cooperatively to improve the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): OP, does your wife have resentments towards you, of any kind? Does she feel that you don't do enough at home, or that you don't make enough money, or that you're too overweight, or whatever? Does she resent you that you don't volunteer to do "baby duty" on your own anyway, but only if you're getting something from her in return? (I would get resentful if I were her)when women resent and lose respect for their mates, it lessens their desire and attraction to them. A woman who feel attracted to a man, because to her he fits her definition of what 'attractive' means, will want to get physical with him.another issue is trust. Does your wife have any mistrusts of you? Due to anything? Have you lied or kept secrets from her in the past about anything such as finances, past girlfriends, whatever? Have you let her down in a major way? Again, a woman needs to feel trust towards a man if she is to feel attracted to him long term (one night stands, short term flings is different, since for those you don't emotionally invest yourself in the other person).Another issue is selfishnes. Does your wife think you are selfish? Over time, women get really turned off if they perceive their mate as a selfish person. the first six months of your relationship when you said you were having physical intimacy 3 times a day. Hmmm.. either she was just pretending and putting on a show to 'hook' you in because she wanted to settle down and get married. there are women who deliberately do this bait-and-switch thing to get a man, which I think is deceitful and immoral. Or, she did honestly feel more attracted to you back then and then as she got to know you better she became disappointed or mistrustful or resentful. Do you know which it could be? (I have been in your wife's shoes and in my case it was the latter reason...after I got to know my husband better I became very disappointed and mistrustful of him due to finding out about lies he had told me during our courtship and things he did behind my back and other selfish actions that killed all my trust and desire for him. we're getting divorced after several years of trying to work things out but I still can't regain any physical attraction to him although I do find other men attractive so I know it's just him because he had done a lot of relationship-damaging things and this is a consequence which is that it kills your mate's feelings.)"We dont do foreplay we cuddle we kiss and we hold each other we clearly love each other if i try to push it further its rejected. She will not relieve my fustration she sees it like most woman, "i dont feel like it so go masterbate" .....its not about getting off! I want my wife. Why is that asking too much? November and december i didnt have sex, she did me a sexual favor in exchange for baby duty but that was that one time. And she didnt want to be touched during it just did her thing and got up. "it's not your wife's job to relieve your frustration. You can certainly relieve your frustration on your own. And you are cheapening sex by trading it for chores, but she sees sex as a chore so it's an equal exchange I suppose. I think you want your wife to give some indication that she finds you attractive, right? Many men base their entire self esteem on this. If so, then ask yourself if you have done anything that has made her resentful, mistrustful, disappointed in you, because having these negative perceptions of their men is what turns women off to them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the excellent responses and answers, help and advice. I’ve read each one. I am getting a vibe and I see from what I have read that there is a basic assumption gathered about me, and maybe it is because of the lack of detail about my question or because I am a male in general and some of you have had a negative experience so your projecting that typical male mindset upon me. Let me clear a few things up. As I said in my post we take turn with the baby duty and chores. And what I mean by that is....I am a breakfast person I am up every morning and I took, I switch it up but I cook bacon eggs and biscuits sometimes I do sausage and pancakes but that is neither here nor there. Lunch is shared between us, we will either order in, or we take left overs from dinner the previous night because sometimes (most times) were at work and can’t eat together. And if we are together and someone just does the cooking, neither of us is lazy and neither of us has an issue with the other person not doing their part. As far as dinner, she is an excellent cook and loves doing it and the times I have offered her to sit back and let me do it, it’s rejected. She wants to cook dinner, which I don’t mind since I cook breakfast so we share our respected parts. As far as laundry, she washes her scrubs and I wash our everyday clothes since I don’t have a uniform at my job. She does laundry probably every other day and I do it every other day. We share that. I take out the trash and she cleans up. I rub my wife’s tired feet because as someone mentioned, she works dialysis and is on her feet constantly and she’s stressed people die often in her line of work. I get it and when I am making her feel better and relax I am not doing it for sex. And she knows that too. She loves to cuddle and we do it often and most nights I don’t even bother to try and have sex...I don't expect to be allowed to seduce her so I don't try most of the time. I didn’t marry my wife because of sex I married her because she was the sweatiest most sincere person and she was honest. And to me there is a difference between release and making love and there not one in the same. You get a release from making love but the difference in that and masturbation or a quickie is the method. I cherish my wives body and love her kiss, I’m not trying to over romanticise that act I’m just saying for me when I have sex it’s how I show her that I love her. Yes I watch the baby so she can sleep and clean the house sometimes so she don't have to. During this last weekend when her grandma died I did everything for her and took her out to get her mind off things. Yeah sometimes I try to have sex with her and I'm rejected but it’s not that I’m basing my relationship on it and I'm not ignoring her needs because I have mine. I agree that I married her knowing she doesn't have the sex drive I had. But how was I to know she would go from twice a week to hardly once a month. Also as I clarified the issue didn't start with the baby....the baby gave her a great excuse that she used many times but it’s a valid excuse....and as I hate to say it a convenient excuse and I know pregnancy is hard it’s been hard on both of us, more her because it’s her body but like I said after the 6 months of us knowing each other sex went downhill ...when I said it’s been a year I mean, it’s been really eating me up for a year now not that the issue started within the year...the issue has been there for about 2. There was a great 6 months when we got together it died down but didn’t disappear, then it disappeared and for a year now it’s been hurting me. But yah she took an excuse and ran with it no matter if it’s a good one or not she milked it and no matter if she was feeling good that day or bad ...she was pregnant than it turned to she had a baby even when I stay up to take care of the baby so she can rest. I’m not unfair to her I baby her even when I expect nothing from it. I love being there for my wife just sometimes I want her...
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2012):
IMO, sexual favors for chores is prostitution on some level. Don’t care if you are married to the woman or not. So my question is: why don't you do chores just because they need to get done? And the answer is… because I would if I knew I was getting sexual gratification on a regular basis…. And you aren’t and you won’t because she’s being pressured.
I see the power struggle here.
You’ve known each other for 3 years. You are married for two which mean you only knew each other for one year before you married… I mean that’s not horrid but it’s not GREAT either…. Things can change after a year together… clearly it did for you.
So let’s assume you are married 24 months. You have a 5 month old child that was born when you were married for 19 months which means she was conceived at about 10 months married. Ok so you had nearly ONE year of wedded bliss without pregnancy stress and hormones and now the birth and lactating hormones.
You know you have a high sex drive. You know she does not. YOU KNEW this when you married.
You say it’s been a year since your wife started rejecting you… well she’s been either pregnant or post-partum for 17 months now… so for the first 5 months of her pregnancy all was ok? OR was it bad then and it’s only in the last year you are upset?
Then you go on to say that “we do it so infrequently that it’s hard to believe sometimes that one of those far few between times resulted in a baby” SO NOW you are saying that it’s nearly TWO YEARS that you have not been having sex… since in order for her to get pregnant during those far few between times she would have had to conceived OVER a year ago.
SO before I can address if this issue is child birth related vs bait and switch to get you married, I need to have a more accurate picture of the timeline for your self life.
DID it die shortly before or after the marriage? OR is it directly related to the conception, pregnancy and birth of your child? Because if the timeline is in direct correlation to the child, I have your answer… IF however, you are misremembering (as is common with something like this) then we may have a different issue.
Both parents working full time, caring for a child and running a home… it’s tiring. I don’t have children at home now and after a full day at work I rarely want to do anything other than get into my jammies and veg on the couch…. And weekends… those should be for resting but you have cleaning and laundry to do don’t you? Who does the cleaning? Who does the laundry? Who prepares the meals?
You say “we both do our part” what part is that…
Like I said… lay it out for me…
Who does child care in the mornings?
Who gets the baby ready for bed?
Who prepares dinner?
Who cleans up after dinner?
Who does the laundry and the cleaning?
Then you say “I GET SEX maybe once a month if that”. NO you don’t GET SEX . That may be your problem…. What you need is wife time. Do you get WIFE TIME? Or is it sex? Are you having SEX or making love?
You say you want SEXUAL intimacy… what you mean is you want to get laid right?
What’s worse is the rejection every damn time?
Will you be willing to try something for me for a while? (not one or two times but it will be probably 4-6 weeks worth of effort on your part)
To me, getting a foot rub is intimacy. Getting a foot rub is romantic. I think we are defining intimacy and romance and passion as SEX and that’s wrong. SEX itself is the release. The release you can get from orgasm from masturbating.
So here is my plan for you:
For the next 4 weeks… YOU NEVER ask for sexual favors. IN FACT, if she offers you say “no dear I’d rather just cuddle right now” (she won’t offer so don’t fret)…
DO not grab her breasts.
DO not pinch her tush
HUG her
KISS her
Cuddle her.
DO NOT ask for sex or make any overtures for sex. IN fact, NO genital contact for a month… NONE… just affection. NO talk of sex, no pressure for sex…
With a 5 month old baby especially if she is nursing she may be touched out at the end of the day.
In addition, continue to do the chores… and add some if you can… if she makes dinner, you make it a couple of times a week or order out if you can afford it….
We are trying to work out a LONG term fix for this, in order to do so you have to relieve the pressure your wife is feeling from you for sex.
EVERY TIME you TOUCH her she thinks you want sex. She has to be retrained to learn that you just want to be with her NO SEX…. NO talk of having sex… NO talk of wanting sex… NOPE you want romance, you want intimacy…. You want affection… you do NOT want sex as far as she is concerned. I don’t care if you masturbate daily in the shower… NO sex no blow jobs, NO requests for sex or blow jobs and no bartering for it…
IF she says “if you do baby duty for three nights I’ll give you a blow job” you say “darling I will happily do baby duty for three nights without a blow job” TURN HER DOWN… but do not be going out on her… do not be ignoring her… in fact spend as much time with her as possible… be affectionate… when you hug her.. MEAN it but do not grind her… treat her like you did before you were sleeping together… you feel the same way you want her… you just now think that because you are married you are able to ask… NOPE… you still have to woo her…
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (26 December 2012):
OP you sound smart enough to understand your wife's feelings which is good. It's much easier for guys to get turned on, women generally need to be in the mood and to feel sexy. If your wife is working full time, recently gave birth, and now has a baby to look after then the deck is stacked against any passionate lovemaking in your situation. If she is taking the pill or other prescriptions this will make it worse. You have to make changes. You need home help and baby help. You need weekends away on your own. You need to date again. The problem will be that your wife will probably be so tired that she will just want to sleep any chance she gets! In your regular schedule make time for her to go to the gym, get her some new clothes, and feel better about herself.At the right moment talk with her, lovingly, without showing frustration, and help her agree and work together to get your love life back. Maybe new year resolutions is a good time to start. You can do it, good luck. And as a ps. if you have financial stress then work out how to get out of this first.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2012):
Question - Why is she offering sex for you to do chores?? Why aren't you already doing them anyways? You both work full time, right? I completely hate the idea of sex being used in that way, and I would never use sex as an incentive, because that doesn't belong in any relationship. Sex is an expression of love.
You said she's a dialysis technician? I'll tell you this, having been on dialysis for about 7 months, those guys work INSANELY. Their job is so stressful because if they make a mistake, people can die. Even if they don't make a mistake, people can die! I saw it happen a few chairs down from me. This lady passed away right there. It went from routine day to panic and EMT's all over the place performing CPR and trying in vain to revive her. After she left, the tech on duty just cried. Your wife expends a tremendous amount of energy in that job physically and emotionally.
I'm trying to be nice to you, because a sex drive is something important in a marriage, and once per month is not much at all. Look at it this way -- she's on her feet all day dealing with patients, the resident RN, the doctors, the medications, and this *is* all on her feet. Her feet are crazy tired. I don't know if she's breastfeeding that 5 month old either, but that also takes energy to come home, take care of the crying baby and wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and changings and all that. Then you add family obligations like Christmas parties for work and family, and then you needing sex. Then you add a recent death in the family and this is the first Christmas dealing with it, and you have libido fricasee.
If you really want her to snap out of overworked grieving mom mode, you have to take her AWAY from the environment! One night? That's really good, but get her away for a weekend or longer! Give her a chance to get that cleansing sleep, recover her energy and get to know each other again.
This time in your life may feel like it will never end, but it does. Babies get older and start sleeping through the night. Eventually, in a mere 5 years time, they go to school. I hate to break it to you, but sex 3x per day will probably not be in your cards for a bit. All of us did it in our carefree single days, but life has a way of jumping onto our backs, and all of us old married couples (you've been married 2 years!) had times like you're having, where you labor feeling unappreciated and ignored until one day, you rediscover each other again.
You knew going in that her libido didn't match yours. Now, you need to be doing chores without making her have to bargain sexual favors with her! Geeze. Maybe that's one reason she doesn't want to have sex with you in the first place. Second, you've gotta talk to her, and NOT right after she says "no". Tell her you're feeling pinched. Tell her what you're going through so that you both can work together to find a compromise.
Seriously. Do you have money? Know what a really good aphrodesiac is? MAID SERVICE! Cheap and easy and OMG, that's so much better than flowers!
Next, and you're not going to want to admit this one, but it's the truth here. Women who orgasm regularly are far less likely to turn down sex. How good is your oral sex skills? Do you KNOW if she's having an orgasm, or do you simply think that the sounds she makes while you're getting to it are enough? Are you in the same positions all the time, and please don't tell me you actually think that her pleasure is only deriving from penis-in-vagina sex, right? It doesn't feel the same for women as it does for men, even in the blessed few that can have an orgasm that way.
Let me give you an example because I am really trying to help out here: What if I told you that the only way you could have an orgasm is to rub your scrotum? Don't touch your penis. Just your scrotum. Yeah, I didn't think so. You couldn't get off either. Tell me that if you're doing oral sex, you're not just doing it for a minute as foreplay. You need to ramp up your clitoral stimulation big time, because the proof is in the pudding here. Your wife would want it a lot more if you were sending shockwaves of true pleasure through her.
Yes, I will concede that she does have responsibility to prioritize sex higher, because foreplay does begin in the mind. If I went to bed all stressed out and thinking about my problems or what I have to do the next day or grieving, I'm not going to want to have anyone touch me. Foreplay begins in the mind. If I'm not in the mood, I can get myself in the mood by thinking about my husband's lips, his hands, the heat of his body, and other things he does to me that I won't write about. But I can have an orgasm when we are intimate because he makes sure of it unless I'm giving him a quickie just to make him smile (it IS nature's tranquilizer!).
You can't compare what you have to what you had, because you two are married with a baby. It can sure get BACK to more regular intimacy, but baby and toddlerhood is always challenging for the libido! If you need a maid to come in or maybe takeout a couple nights per week to get out the cooking and cleaning duties, then do it! It's a fantastic investment! Book a Bed and breakfast for the weekend, go there on Friday, and get some sleep! And LEARN how to give a woman an orgasm!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): It seems like a lot of people are taking your wifes side, but I completely disagree. From what you have written, you've shown you're trying hard to please her- you're doing baby duty, taking her out for dinner and dates, and trying to be affectionate.You deserve intimacy. You deserve to make love to your wife. Yes, having a baby is tiring and exhausting. Still, your wife cant just say no to sex forever. "Being tired" is not a permanent excuse. Is she going to be tired for the next five years? You deserve a reason. She needs to explain why she feels this way, and when you can expect to have sex again. That's only fair. Tell your wife your issue like this: "I love you, and I care about you deeply--that includes your well-being, and your sense of self worth. If you've been feeling down after the baby, I want to know and I want to help. I miss you. You, as in the woman that you are, and not simply your body. All of you. I want to know how we can work toward making love with each other again. Fufilling my own "needs" is lonely and depressing for me. The fact that you wont let me touch you hurts. I miss you, and your personality, and everything that you embody as my wife."Your wife needs to hear the truth. Baby or not, the fact that she does sexual favours and wont even let you touch her is not a good sign. If she's allowed to hurt, you're allowed to hurt too. Marriage is a two way street. She needs to put some effort in. That means, explaining to you why she is acting like this. It may take time for her to warm up, but she still owes you an explanation. A real one. Not "im too tired."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): She isn't rejecting you she is rejecting the activity which is sex. You shouldn't personalize it because you're making yourself miserable by turning this into a bigger problem than it needs to be. You can masturbate for physical release. You can cuddle with your wife for emotional closeness. She is willing to be close to you just that you don't want to see it you only want to connect via sex. That's you putting up barriers because then you are rejecting her outreach attempts by saying cuddling isn't enough it must lead to sex to be valid for you. In the end you cannot change someone else, you can't make her desire an activity you highly want but which she doesn't whether its skydiving or sex. She can and is doing it anyway for you so be happy that she cares enough about you to do that. The only person you can change is yourself. Let go of your desire that she be more into it because that's not the woman you chose to marry. Appreciate what you have and don't focus so much on what you don't have. Don't insist that closeness in relationship must happen only in one way which is through sex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): You need to love her the way SHE wants and needs to he loved, not the way YOU want to love her. Otherwise it does not feel like love to her and therefore it isn't. Rather it is just you wanting your wish to come true despite reality. No matter your intentions, if the other person does not feel loved then what you are doing is not loving it is focused on your own wants. If you're only fling what she wants so that in return you expect to get what you want, that isn't love its a business transaction. You can trade actions like this such as her sexual favors for your baby duties, but you cannot create emotion or desire that doesn't already exist. Thus the best you can hope for is emotionless sex. You shouldn't get mad at her for this because she cannot create emotions on demand so if its emotions you want you will be unhappy but that is a problems originating in you because you are the one who has that expectation. If your love is focused on her rather than on yourself then you would just hold her and cuddle and never ask for more. You would be happy that she is happy. That is what it means to love the other person at the level they are at not at the level you want them to be. That is how she wants and needs to be loved. You want sex with her because that is how YOU want to love her but that isn't what she wants. You are still being self centered (not selfish, but self centered as in imposing your frame of reference on her on what love should look like, rather than adopting her frame of reference) .So ask yourself again if you are truly able to love your wife the way she needs to be loved, not just the way you want to love her. It is definitely much easier if she wanted the same thing you do which is why it is advised to only marry someone you are compatible with. Why make relationships more difficult than they need to be? But the reality is that she just doesn't want it. The first 6 months of a new relationship are always different from the rest of the relationship because you dont know each other and there is novelty. You shouldnt use those first few months as a benchmarks or proof that she can or should want more sex because that wasnt the real her. She is trying to love you the way you need and want by doing sexual favors for you. Yet you're still unhappy because you want her to be more enthusiastic. Thats asking too much. To be unhappy with her when she is doing what she can to please you, but because it is not how you want her to be and it doesn't complete your fantasy, is to put her into a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. Therefore you should also continue loving her the way she needs by not asking her for sex, and by giving her no strings attached affection.If you weren't already married I would advise you not to marry her because you're just not compatible and you're never going to be happy if you try to change each other. But since you did marry her you should honor your vows and lifelong commitment and place the marriage over your own personal happiness. Your marriage may be lacking in this area but that doesn't mean you can't still be overall happy. You can't have everything you want if life and this may be one such issue for you since you chose to spend the rest of your life with her.Marriage is hard work and it is commitment to place your spouse 's needs above yours. It should also be a give and take. It sounds like you two are striking a balance but you're unhappy and want it skewed more to what you want. I honestly think that if its been this way for 90% of the relationship then it is never going to be different because you are just not compatible. You just have to learn to accept and be happy with the wife that you have, whom you chose to marry. If you really can't then it might be best to divorce.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): its not selfish really, want a basic last ditch remedy? two months or so of no sex or sexual trades (or at least refuse one or two but very nicely), don't push her into it, linger when u kiss or touch so she knows but pull away first, those date nights? great, try them again but when you get in do something romantic then tell her to go get some well deserved sleep. do this a few times then one night instead of going out cook for her at your house and then...well see if u can do your thing...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): "She doesn't even kiss me for more than 5 seconds because she knows what I am trying to do"THIS is your problem. She isn't too tired. She simply now has developed a negative association to sex and any form of intimacy with you because it leads to pressure. I get that you have backed off and try not to pressure her but it is clear she does still feel pressured. The part about her rejection hurting like hell is a problem too. You probably react negatively to her rejection so now she sees sex as a point of conflict. You need to focus less on sex. Right now even when you give her space you are still focusing on sex watching her like a hawk counting down the time. I have been in her shoes in my first marriage and came to hate and dread my hb touching me even holding my hand because it would lead to him trying to get something more from me and getting upset if I didn't want to go further. I lost all trust in him and didn't want to even hug or hold hands. You say her doing sexual favors in return for you doing chores is hurtful? So is you kissing her because you are trying to get sex from her. Or rubbing her tired aching feet because you are tying to get sex. Once a woman feels that everything you do is trying to get sex even WAITING 3 weeks giving her space is still for the express purposes of getting sex it makes her hate sex. With you at least .those 3 weeks in between are too short for her and with time if this dynamic goes on she will want it even less with you because of the desperate resentful vibe you will now be giving off. In my second marriage my hb never pressured me and thus I love having sex with him and have sex 10 times more frequently in my second marriage than in my first marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem hasnt just been going on a year its been going on for prolly 90% of our time together. Its just been a year now since its been really getting to me.
When we first met and started going out we did it frequently like 3 times a day and that lasted maybe 6months and then just died completly....the main theme is that shes tired and im undrrtanding she works in the medical filed she works in kidney dialysis and the people she works with and her patients makes her life ruff.
I never use woman as objects and when i need it bad enough i do masterbate its just to the point that masterbation is depressing when i have a wife that i love that i want intamacy with.
We have had times where we would take the baby to my mom or her mom and we would have date nights and i would buy her flowers take her to dinner and we get to have a full nights rest without worrying about a crying baby. And she used that time as soon as she hits the bed for sleep despite my best efforts to make it more than that.
And the bargaining thing its not often its just when she really doesnt wanna do something for the next 5 days she will maybe once a month offer sexual favors for chors on my end. It doesnt go both ways she doesnt want sex.
We dont do foreplay we cuddle we kiss and we hold each other we clearly love each othrr if i try to push it further its rejected. She will not releive my fustration she sees it like most woman, "i dont feel like it so go masterbate" .....its not about getting off! I want my wife. Why is that asking to much? November and december i didnt have sex, she did me a sexual favor in exchange for baby duty but that was that one time. And she didnt want to be touched during it just did her thing and got up.
The death in the family just happened it was her grandma and it was sad and we mourned but that just happened the problem has been going on for more than a year. Yes a baby can tire u out i too have been tired she hasnt taken care of our little girl alone. I do my part and more infact sometimes i get te baby go to another room and watch her all night so she can sleep....if i wasnt making this process easy on her it would be one thing but during and after her preganacy i babied her! And never once was I angry for not getting anything out of it, but its building up and all i want is to love on my wife.
Why is that selfish of me?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 December 2012):
I don't know of many marriages where both of the parties work full time and have a 5-month old baby AND a death in the family that have a rocking sex life. If she was close to her grandmother as I was, it's a very traumatic thing. I'm guessing she's feeling like she can barely keep her head above water, much less worry about the semen coming from your head, to be blunt about it.
You said "It's been a year now". For 5 of those months, you've had a small baby, which is a huge drain on even the strongest of libidos. For 7 months prior, you've had a pregnancy, which can wreak havoc on the hormones of many women, rendering them less amourous. Your situation isn't exactly the "norm" this past year. Has she had postpartum depression? Not to mention you had a death in the family.
Normally, I'd say this was a compatibility issue concerning the sex life, but in this case, it sounds like you're thinking with your penis too much. What did you do when you were single? Did you use women like they were objects, or did you, like many men, relieve your sexual tension by masturbating?
You should talk to your wife. If she is caught up in postpartum or is dealing with grief, her talking to a doctor for some therapy might help her cope with things, because right now, she's viewing your requests for sex as yet another demand behind her aching feet of work and the high needs of her baby. Any woman you'd be with would find it difficult to maintain pre-marriage/pre-baby sexual desire. In this case, I'd suggest some patience and understanding while at the same time seeing how to medically find ways to help your wife deal with grief, hormones, chemicals, and rest.
Sometimes, the environment can be overwhelming. I know that getting away for a weekend or a few days at a bed and breakfast while having the baby be looked after by grandparents or a trusted carer can be a tonic for the sex life.
Relieve that excess sexual tension in the shower if you must, but marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. You don't have to go cheat on her simply because life gets full. Not only that, but if she's dealing with grief and loss, you being there for her will pay dividends. Sometimes a trip to the doctor or therapist might identify depression or grief or at least find a therapeutic or medical way to increase libido.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): Give her some time. I think she is doing her best with the situations you both have going on right now. The holidays are stressful, the new baby is stressful, her job is stressful, the loss of a family member is beyond stressful and she has other responsibilities pulling her in various directions. Over the next day or so try and get her to just relax. Sit around all day today and watch movies together. Leave the responsibilities of the "perfect home" for another day. Allow her to grieve her grandmother in her own time. Help out as much as possible with the baby. I understand that this has been an ongoing issue but you are also very newly married and started a family early on. You've gone from the happiness of engagement, to wedding, so very quickly into the announcement of a child, to having the child, to now trying to fit all of this into the equation in addition to all the rigors of daily life.I'm sure she loves you and would probably rather sit around all day and night and make love with you. But, there are responsibilities at play here and that is what is first and foremost in her mind. Don't take offense to it. I did go through a period that I didn't want my H to touch me or try and make love to me. We had a child at the time, I was working, trying to keep our home and other responsibilities. Woman are always trying to compete with one another and keep the "perfect" image up. And then you also have to keep in your mind that you are a wife too and your husband has needs. It's exhausting! And sometimes the H gets left for last. It won't be forever though. I think she is trying.Give her some time. I don't think you are sexually incompatible by any means. I think she might be overwhelmed with everything going on and needs some perspective, understanding, and time.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 December 2012):
This is one of my "pet" questions.... since I - like you - endured 5 years in a "relationship" in which there was a sexual-desire/preference/frequency mismatch.....
My "take" is that you knew of this mismatch, going in,... but were unawares that is could become a sexual/sensual desert, such as you describe...
AND, my "solution" is that you and wifey sit down and decide (It's actually HER decision!) IF she insists on you and she having a "marriage" void of sexuality/sensuality/intimacy .... and that - if that's so - then the "marriage" (relationship) cannot continue...... Then, you and she agree to go on your separate ways....
Good luck....
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