A
male
age
30-35,
*ongobob
writes:Little bit of a backround, I met my lady 2014 we fell in love she moved in with me very quickly and within a year we were pregnant we have had the baby now live in a 2 bed with my son who is my world and is now 10 months old. I like to think we are very happy though we bicker and have fallen out badly once or twice.My problem occured first when I met said cousin at my lady's mothers wedding, she was stunning in a white dress with her hair curled. I found her very attractive but That was all it was to me back then, simple attraction. I met her once after that and was again taken aback but never thought more of it later I found out that she too had found me attractive. I'm friends with her on facebook and am often swing pictures of her which doesn't help me stop fantasizing about a life with her. Through all of this ive hardly spoken to her, I guess I doubt she thinks of me the way I do of her ( as she would probably think of me as her cousins man if at all ) But regularly I dream about her as I sleep, some nights I turn her away as I'm taken and some nights I chase her, some nights there is nothing but me and her. At first I was counting how many dreams there where but I have long lost count and it probably occures once or twice a week. They say that when you cant sleep you should think of something that makes you happy and she is what I think of. I long for her and other than blind attraction I don't know why.The risk involved in trying for what feels like true love is losing my perfect little life and having no cousin and no fiancée in the end to show for it. What the hell do I do ... Thanks for reading please dont be to harsh on me I'm a loyal man with a conundrum not a pig full of lust ...
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 Your update has giving us a lot more information. If you do not trust her, then why be with her? If I did not trust my Fiance then I would have to leave, as I would simply not be happy. It sounds like you both where not ready to become parents, little surprises do happen, and I am glad you love your son. That does not mean you have to stay with your Fiance if you are not happy. But never is it okay to go near her cousin, even if you do break up, as that would devastate her. Plain and Simple. So take the cousin out of the equation. My advice is work harder to get the relationship back on track, get a babysitter take her out, have romantic nights at home, talk to each other about how you feel and try and work it out. If you try and it still does not work then it is okay to leave and be a good dad.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 She tried to leave when it should have been a time for a new mother to be overjoyed about having child. Sounds like she was overwhelmed, and she had a dream for a knight in shining armor to whisk her away from her responsibility. It would indeed be unfair to say you are the one trying to run away from it. Her wanting to break up is much more than "falling out badly once or twice." I was just assuming you were arguing over stress, lack of time for each other, or not doing enough household chores.
Trust is hard to earn back, but if she has the will, she will find a way. The priority is your child. It would be reckless to throw it all away for the sake of having a perfect relationship with a clean slate. I guess you would have never thought of "the one" being able to betray you. She's human after all. I won't say you are justified in looking at other women because you are starting to go down her road. Believe me, tit for that, fighting equal, does not feel good at the end. Be the bigger person because if your fiancé found out you are dreaming about your cousin, it would be all over and all efforts to rebuild this relationship would be in vain. I think what she needs is acceptance that she is a mother and she will be missing out things right now. That doesn't have to be the case. It may be a cultural thing. A large majority of the world have children under 22, and life certainly does not stop. As for advice, no blame game, no fighting. Don't expect passion, and honeymoon or fantasy. Just day to day peacefulness and baby joy. No need to make decisions about wedding. All you have to do is do your part and not start another relationship before ending one. As long as you are in a relationship you still respect each other.
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A
male
reader, Bongobob +, writes (29 August 2016):
Bongobob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think your all right in most respects, this woman is a symbol of the life I could have had, things aren't great between me and my lady and I cant seem to fix them, the sex life has gone down hill, where we used to cuddle we now just sit and watch tv ... I think its unfair to say I've ruined her life though we had a split condom and she refused an abortion which I don't regret because as I say I love my son, but you can't help but feel a bit trapped. She tried to leave me for another man a few months back but I managed to beg her to stay, now I don't trust her and dont feel as in love, I took the ring back off her and said id propose again when I felt comfortable. Since what she did feels like a betrayel I feel justified for looking at other women, we where to young to say forever.
Is there such a thing as ment to be, if I don't get that same excitement anymore should I keep working for it with her I don't think she feels the same about me anymore, can we get it back ...
All made so much worse by these dreams, if you have ever had a dream about someone in which your in love with them you'd understand why its hard to get them out of your head, after a few days you finally stop thinking about them and then bam another dream, they seem to be getting worse too everytime things go a little further ...
Please can you all keep talking to me I think this is helping
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016): If I was with someone who was obsessed with another woman, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me. If she knew how you're feeling, what do you think she would do?
Think how you'd feel if she found out how you're thinking and feeling and left you? Or found you were cheating (if that happens). And you realised your cousin is gorgeous, but for example, boring, or there's no chemistry, or she's annoying or thinks these things about you?
It's unlikely to be a love match made in heaven.
But what concerns me is how little you are emotionally invested in the lady you say you're in love with and have had a child by. Try to get a kick out of being with your partner, do fun things together, get a sitter and go somewhere, maybe where you first met. See if this relationship still has life and love left in it or if it's worth throwing away on a fantasy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 I agree with the other posters, particularly with WiseOwlE. No need to call you names :), but, yes, this is about lust, what else. You long for her and other than blind attraction you don't know why ? Because there's nothing else - it is blind physical attraction.
You have a perfect life, your own words, and a nice little family- which maybe arrived a bit too soon, out of impulse and " going with the flow " rather than from a deep, firm committmenet . Then again, if you still want to invest emotionally in what you have now, and want to keep it intact and protect it- it's not terribly hard to get rid of physical infatuations. You just need to starve them, rather than feed them. Stop stalking your cousin's FB, to name one thing.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 What you describe sounds very much like romanticising. It's unrealistic and as you have already pointed out, dangerous as you run the risk of potentially loose all that is 'real' and already have. You have idolised her in a way that matches her looks which is rather foolish as you hardly know of her in any other way. True love as you feel she could be, is more than just physical attraction so again it seems your rational thinking is skeewiff. I don't know why someone would be so reckless to suggest that she too has an attraction for you when they know you are happy in a relationship and why are you choosing to be equally reckless with being in contact via Facebook? Thats wrong given what you have posted and hardly fair to your spouse regardless if she is,at the moment, oblivious to your wandering eye and misplaced emotions. So, what to do? My first piece of advice would be too de friend her on Facebook. No need to explain if she asks- people do it all the time and if thats too hard then de activate your account all together. Life still goes on without it, even better in situations like this. Second, make extra effort in spending quality time with your spouse. Enjoy all it is about her and re iterate the value of what you have. Its hard to sweep good feelings aside but what you need to be reminding yourself is that these feeling are based on what you have manipulated them to be. Embers are easy to put out if you stop fuelling them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016): I wouldn't go as far as calling you a pig full of lust. You are caught-up in fantasy, and lust does have a lot to do with it.
You included a lot of covert messages in your post, that offered a few hidden details. You love your son, but you feel you committed too soon. Starting a family with your girlfriend was more of a surprise than a plan. You wouldn't come right out and say so. Someone you think is prettier comes along, and suddenly you're ready to trade-in the old used model. Never-mind you saddled her down with a kid, stretching her young body in the process; and now her cousin is such a knockout.
Seriously?!!
Your attraction to her cousin is purely physical. Don't claim love has anything to do with it. It doesn't. It all comes from below the belt.
Although you haven't cheated physically; you've cheated psychologically. Dreams are bull manure. You really need to get a grip. How do you conclude you want to spend your life with someone based on one meeting, and basically just her looks? All you know about her is what you've created in your dreams and fantasies.
You really need to plant your feet in reality, love your girlfriend, and be a good role-model for your son. Time to grow-up and man-up. Her life could have been completely different, if not for you. Remember that.
Kids deserve two parents and functional families. You didn't use a condom or contraception; so now you're a father. The worst thing you could ever do to the mother of your child is go after one of her female relatives. You may not be a pig, but as far as women are concerned; that's down there with a dirty dog.
Think with the head with the brain in it; and do the right thing man. Love the woman you're with, and be faithful. All that nonsense with Facebook is just paving your way to cheating with her cousin. The next post will be about the guilt from cheating; or she'll catch you making play for her cousin. Please stop adding to the already over-played bad side of male behavior. That male bullsh*t keeps the pages of this site full of the woes, angry posts, and cynicism from females.
Read a book or play music before bed. Think about the woman you got pregnant and altered the future for. Motherhood could have been further down the road, she could have focused on a career, and/or met a man willing to marry and commit to her. May sound corny and old-fashioned; but I wonder what she'd say if she read all this?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 August 2016):
They say that yearning is better than having. When you fell in love with your fiancé I am sure you fantasized a future with her too. Now you have it, you want something you can't have. What is it about life with your fiancé that is not enough, and how is that your fiancé is suddenly not your true love, now that you met her cousin a few times? Do you miss life when there is less responsibility as a father? Do you feel such responsibility is handed to you too early in life, when you should be having fun, chasing dreams, travel instead?
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