A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My friend upset me again talking about interacting with another man who she has a past with...I've covered with her in the past that she's to have as much fun as she can with whomever she feels like regardless that I'm mad about her.We have fumbled around a bit in the 5years that we've become close and had sex the last time around A year ago.Even though were not partners I'm her companion.I'm asking her to keep anything sexual or intimate with others, to just keep to her self or share with her girlfriends.I'm sincerely sickened by the fact someone else could be doing that.But I respect her a lot and don't want any boundaries between us so she's got the green light.This just caused A massive fallout.Apparently I'm offloading my insecurities by being upset with her for rubbing her latest news in my face.I've tried to state my position to her,I'm just worried shes upset she can't be honest,but I still love her and don't want to hear it.99.9% I can deal with.This is just that 1%.How do I approach this again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 She is your friend, she should be able to talk to you about anything if you really though of her as a friend, but you don't you want more from her and you are burying your head in the sand, I agree that this is your issue not hers. You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for because if she does not want the same you are tormenting yourself. Her not telling you about men does not hide the fact that she is still getting with other men, you are living in a cloud if you think you can escape it, some day she will get a boyfriend, get married have children what will you do then? Look back and realize you have wasted ten years of your life lusting after her? You need to get a grip and pull yourself away from this woman and give yourself time to move on and meet someone who feels the same about you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 Eh that's why I say that being " friends " with someone you have feeling for is impossible- and also underhanded, in a way. You accept to play by rules that you can't stand, then when the rules are applied, you complain. Not fair.
Now, I must say that I think it's unnecessary, and incredibly juvenile, to debate the details of own's sexual life with friends, and worse with male friends. That was something I used to do until maybe 18 or 20 at most - my girlfriends and I would compare notes,- and penises and performances. But we all ditched naturally this habit growing up.
Own's vagina, I think, is a bit like own's bank account : It's a private thing.The less people knows what goes into it, the better.
But, that's just my personal opinion, other people have the right to see it differently and to share whatever they want with their friends. This girl likes to share her love life with her friends- and you are a friend, so she shares as she would do with a GIRLfriend.
It sucks for you, but, you only have yourself to blame. You should not try to play buddybuddy or " companion " to a girl you obviously feel territorial about and emotionally invested in.
Or else, you should be absolutely, shamelessly frank with her and tell her : I am JEALOUS sick , and , as silly as this is because I know there's nothing between us, I feel hurt when you share certain things with me. No, you can't be 100% honest with me- the green eyed monster is eating me alive, so please spare me.
Then, it's up to the goodness of her heart, but I can't think that the average person would enjoy , as you say, rubbing it in your face, if she knows it bothers you that much.
I suspect, though, that you have been a bit ambiguous about that - you have talked the talk " sure, go have fun...don't mind me... you've got green light ... " then you can't walk the walk, i.e. you just can't handle it, you are " sickened " when casually reminded that she is not yours. I would not be surprised if she felt this is somewhat dishonest and manipulative, and that's why she gets upset ... that you get upset.
What a mess. All in all, I'd tell you to be brave, pretend that you are pulling a Band Aid, and rip yourself off this " friendship " for a good while. It will hurt quite a bit right now, perhaps- but better than being hurt a litle less in longer installments, for maybe 5 more years of your life. The 5 years you have wasted on a pipe dream already should be more than enough .
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 You've been in prison of your own making for 5 years.
First of all, this has nothing to do with your "insecurity". To display insecurity means that you have something you should feel secure about.
For example - I'm married. If I constantly was in a state of anxiety over whether or not he was flirting or cheating or thinking about other women, my insecurity might cause me to be suspicious, to track him or ask incessantly about pretty co-workers of his, or break into his Facebook or email or texts and scour for something incriminating. That would be me feeling insecure about something that should be secure, in this case, my marriage.
You, however, don't have anything secure to feel insecure about. You are feeling jealous and territorial, but not insecure. What you *do* have are unrequited feelings, and THAT is your prison. 5 years is a lifetime! You should have fallen in love, married, and had kids in that span of time. You could have gotten a bachelor's degree, saved up to go on a trip around the world, so much wasted time!
You can't waste anymore of your time, vitality, or obsession on this girl anymore. The sooner you realize what a dead end she is, the sooner you can move on and free your heart and dreams and find someone who will actually cherish you!
You can't be "just friends" with her. You've had sex, and you want a relationship. You're hoping that she'll suddenly get struck by emotional lightning and realize that her dream guy is standing in front of her.
Not only that, but there's a sort of safety in the friend zone, the search for the attainable. It protects you against REAL intimacy to be caught in the eternal chase rather than actually building a true relationship. But you're wasting time, vitality, years, in this prison.
You need to cut off the flow of communication now, or you'll be stuck in this rut forever. You need someone who hungers for you like you do for her, and this girl is not it.
Please don't waste any more time in friend zone prison, being used as her emotional toilet. Break free!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): You're an infatuated friend and the problem is yours, not hers. She can talk about whatever she wants; if you don't want to hear it, just leave. You can't tell her what to talk about; nor with whom she should discuss things. A friend lends an ear when you need it. You persistence isn't going to force her to care for you in the way you want her to.
You're frustrated because you can't force her to love you.
You can be as crazy about her as you like. What's the point if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings?
She is stringing you along, because she feels sorry for you. You've been in her life so long, it's hard to just tell you to move on. You wouldn't listen anyway.
So I will do it. Move on, my friend. She's not going to offer you what you want, and you're wasting your time.
Obsessing over people who don't care for you in the same way is not healthy.
Time to let go, and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2016):
 What does being a companion mean between you two?
You call her "my friend", and mention you have fooled around in the past, that you are NOT a couple and NOT dating.. So I have to agree with her, this IS about YOUR insecurities.
My guess is you want MORE than what you are getting with her? You want to be a partner, she wants to keep playing the field?
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