A
female
age
30-35,
*hantomchick53
writes:I am so depressed and need some help/advice...I am 22 on Thursday. I have two kids (3 and 5) and I am 23 weeks with my third. I have messed up my life up so much... I was with a "man" for 5 years and he physically and emotionally abused me to the point where I am now seeing a therapist trying to "get over" all the abuse I endured. He is my children’s Dad. I got pregnant earlier this year and it was basically a one night stand. After leaving my kids dad in 2012 I didn’t want a boyfriend because I had (and still have) troubles with trusting people. I am now pregnant and I am living with this new man. It was rushed because it felt like the right thing to do - try and make a family. However things aren’t so peachy. My new partner is telling me my Mum can’t be at the baby’s birth (I have no say in the matter) and we rarely spend much time together as a couple. He drinks so much and I am not sure if its normal and he just doesn’t seem to care about how I feel. All the decisions are made by him - I have bought everything for the baby but it doesn’t sound like I will get a say in the name, the birth or how the child will be raised. I can see these red flags. But I am scared. I’ve been abused for years and years and now it all seems kind of normal. I don’t know what to do. I have messed up my life so much :'( please help me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2014): "I am now pregnant and I am living with this new man. It was rushed because it felt like the right thing to do - try and make a family."I'm sorry, but moving in with a virtual stranger who happened to get you pregnant on the rebound from an abusive relationship does not "make a family," especially when there are other children involved.The time to determine a man's suitability as a husband and father is BEFORE you lay down and make a baby with him. Agree with janniepeg, I can only assume you have long-term deep-seated issues that have left you desperate for any kind of male attention, and there is no shortage of charming, manipulative controllers/abusers who prey on needy vulnerable women, as you are finding out for at least the second time. "I don’t know what to do. I have messed up my life so much :'( please help me"You need to put your children's interests before your own and do your best to minimize the detrimental effects of your poor decisions on them.If you stay with your current drunken, controlling boyfriend then you will be teaching them that it is normal and expected behavior for men to abuse women and it is normal and expected behavior for women to serve as men's doormats.Your two older children have suffered enough at the hands of their abusive father, for you to put them in a position where they are at risk at the hands of a stranger (to them) to whom they are not legally related is unconscionable. There is no telling what he could do in a drunken rage.You need to do whatever you can to get your children away from this situation as quickly as possible. As Aidan suggests, if at all possible then staying with your mother, even short-term, is preferable to continuing to put your children at risk.
A
female
reader, phantomchick53 +, writes (18 October 2014):
phantomchick53 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo this pregnancy is the guy i am currently seeing but it is not the father to my previous two children (the violent one)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 October 2014):
 As I read your other post I learned that this baby is not even your current partner's. Can you not contact the one night stand guy and tell him about this? You may not expect him to want to be in a relationship but at least he will be financially responsible. You need to talk to him fast because as you wait he will doubt even more that he's the father. I think you should move back with your mom. Your boyfriend is now already trying to isolate your from family members. I am guessing that as you grew up you did not feel cared for and those abusive men gave you negative attention which you thought was better than nothing. Right now the thing to do is not to rely on any other man when your judgment is shaky. You should tell your therapist about this too so you get advice on where to go next.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (18 October 2014):
You mentioned your Mum in your post. Can you not stay with her? Can she not help you, and support you to get out of this relationship? You say there is nothing you can do, but that’s not true because you can walk away. You can find out what support is available and prepare to leave. You don’t, because I’m afraid years of abuse have wrecked your confidence and self-belief. Men have made you feel so worthless that, however bad things get, you simply can’t believe that you could ever have anything better, or would ever deserve any better than what you’ve got now. You run the risk of getting locked in to a pattern of moving from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, because you’re so dependent on men to make you feel okay about yourself, that unpleasant characters spot that vulnerability and use it to gain control over you.
Walking away, when locked in to that pattern, will take enormous strength of character but you must listen to those who tell you that you deserve better than this even if it’s hard to believe. You must ask for help, and if necessary use the answers you will get to your question to show those who can support you what you’re trying to do, if you can’t find the words. You can’t beat yourself up about the mess you say you’ve made of your life so far. You are where you are: you have children who depend on you and the birth of another one to look forward to. You being safe and happy is in their best interest, and that will mean walking away from a controlling relationship. Your partner may prove himself to be a good father to the baby, and he should be given the chance to do so unless he’s a danger to the child. However that is totally separate from your relationship. He wants to control everything about this birth, even excluding your mother. That kind of isolating behaviour is a red flag that warns us he is an abusive character. Be strong, be courageous and walk away.
I wish you all the very best.
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