A
male
age
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*r. John
writes:Please help. This is not a question about a love or sex relationship but I really need some objective viewpoints on this one.I am a husband and father of 51 years. My wife is 50.We have a son, 26 out of the house and a daughter of 22 who still lives at home.I am the oldes of three boys.My youngest brother, whom is 35, and his wife are in distress do to the following situation.They have a son and a daughter, 7 and 4 respectively.My brother's wife grew up in a severely physically and sexually abusive household.One day the boy saw his sister naked as she had just gotten out of the bathtub and he did or said something relating to the situation, maybe even touched her as children of that age will do.Not a big deal, right? All part of growing up.Well, not to my brother's wife. Having grown up in the environment she did, she went off the deep end and screamed at the boy calling him a monster etc. When she calmed down enough to realize what she was doing she herself called child protective services who immediately got involved.Now this has become an ongoing problem until now they are wards of the state and are seeking to have other family to adopt them.My problem is I don't know what to do. I love them both dearly and it seems that we are the only ones that should logically take them although their grandmother could take them. But I sure don't want them to be raised by her since though she was not a perpetrator of the abuse she knew full well it was going on and did nothing to stop it.My mother wants to take them and loves them so much but she is legally blind from diabetes and has other health problems and we don't know how much longer she will be with us.Final problem is that we live 2,000 miles apart and they will not be able to visit one another very often.Please give me your input. I need to brainstorm here.Thanks to you all in advance.
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (12 April 2008):
Dr. John is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your input in this situation.
Here is an update.
We tried to get my nephew but our situation is less than ideal so cps would not let us take him.
Cps took him from them but allowed my cousin to take him in a foster situation.
However, she and her husband are aging as well as in a dire financial situation as they are having their house foreclosed on and losing their vehicle etc.
He has also been able to stay an occasional weekend with his grandmother (my mother). She cannot take him though as she is legally blind and has failing health.
So he was taken from them and placed in a juvinal facility.
Even when he was with my cousin HE WAS CALLED A SEXUAL DEVIANT! AT AGE SEVEN! He can't walk to school with the other kids, must be escorted to and from school by an adult!
At recess times he is required to sit in a chair along one of the classrooms while the other kids are playing.
To clarify the reason she called cps was she went off the deep end and started to beat him. When she realized what she was doing she felt she was out of control and called cps to protect him. However, cps went into overkill mode and just took him away.
My sister-in law has now gone through classes and six tests and has aced all of them so it looks like they will be able to get my nephew back.
The thing that is most heartbreaking is this boy is such a loveable child and I know would never ever do anything like what cps is accusing him of. He is intelligent and tries so hard to do things for people because he wants to.
Let me open the door for you, I'll get that for you, You don't have to do that I can do it.
He is a model child just because that is the way he is.
If he were actually found to be perverted in some way I, and anyone else that knows him would be absolutely flabberghasted. Its just not in his makeup.
What I fear is that once my brother and his wife get him back they will take off and the family will not see them or hear from them again until my nephew is an adult, just so my brother can protect him.
However, I don't know how my sister in-law will handle all of this.
Anyway, thanks for the comments and suggestions but I don't think at this point there is anything I can do.
A very perplexed and downhearted Doc.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2007): Dear JohnPlase take these children in and don't let them become part of the system.They both need you and your wife soo much, how could you live with yourselfs if they turned out all screwed up yes we would all love to beleive they will be fostered adopted (but we all want to know where we came from)to good loving homes but be honest that is not always the case.These kiddies have done nothing wrong, I am quite shocked that your brother had not done more for his kids, even to the extent of leaving his wife as they need him more than she does.Agian please take these kids and give the all the loce and care they deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): The Mother reacted badly to whatever her son did. She handled It all wrong and now has made a mess of the childrens future. She simply should have talked to her son and educate him in the right way. He is only 7 years old. This does not make sense to me why the mother would have gone to the extremem like that. What a mess. Yes, adopt him, he would be better of with you and away from the mother. She has her past demons, and they are evidently still present. She needs help and the children need you.
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A
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reader, anoddchild +, writes (14 December 2007):
I think you should adopt them and raise them up in a loving household. I think it'd be much better to be raised with loving family where they could at least still see their parents sometimes than to be with total strangers.
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (14 December 2007):
 I think I'm a little confused. Why did the mother call child services? Did she call them because of what her son did or because of her reaction to the whole thing? I just can't fathom any mother jeopordizing her own childs safety and well being over something like that. Yes, the boy needs to be corrected for what ever it is that he did. But for God sake, the kid is 7 years old! It's not like he killed somebody! I can't see how the mother could have flipped out on him like that. Where was she when it happened? I would think that a good mother would be close by if she has a 4 year old in the bath tub. My boys are 4 and 6 and I still tend to them while they are taking a bath. Kids are curious at that age, and no that doesn't make it right, but she could have sat him down and calmly explained why he shouldn't do things like that. I feel so sorry for the boy more than anyone. He's 7, he probably would not have even remembered the incident had his mother handled it properly. Now he's probably living a nightmare because of it and will surely be affected long term from this. He's been taken from his home, his family and his lively hood, all for an uneducated situation. Maybe it's better that the children don't grow up around their mother because she doesn't seem stable enough to properly care for them. I have to say, this whole situation absolutely repulses me. If I were you I would absolutely consider adopting the children. At least they might have a chance to have somewhat of a normal life and they will grow up around family. And your brother will be able to stay in contact with his children. Family and God come first. Please, consider giving them a second chance to live a normal life. God bless you and good luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 I honestly can't believe this situation. I know nothing about the state that they live in, but I can't believe that they cannot work things out with Child Services. Your brother is also a responsible adult here, can't they keep the children if they both attend child courses and if she gets psychiatric help? Everyone has lost it and screamed stupidity at one point or another during the course of a lifetime of raising children, I have a few regrets myself. Did she beat him or something else? I wonder if it would be possible for you to hire a laywer to intercede here. I can't believe that they would have totally lost their rights? Did they voluntarily give them up? If they both did, they could claim that it was under duress. It really does seem like a very extreme reaction to me. They can't be legally adopted unless the parents give up their rights, and your brother did not abuse them in any way, so I can't understand how the state could do this. Which state is it? And I absolutely agree that your sister-in-law's mother would not be a suitable choice to raise them.
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