A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Feeling guilty and dirtyI am a 25 years old guy who happens to be gay. I was not out with anybody, even with my family. I was still a virgin till last summer.I moved to a new place for my work in June. For the first few weeks I were homesick and were not happy with my current roommates. One day, I got on Craigslist, the men-to-men adult section to see if there was anything interesting. There was one guy who seemed to be nice and was not compulsive for sex. We exchanged some emails and texts before I came to his house.When I met him, the impression was that this man was not a bad one. We talked for a while, and one thing let to another, we had sex. It was my first time being touched by a guy, and I had been a virgin till then. We did not kiss though, since I had no emotional attachment to him.After the event, I came home, took a deep shower to wash away the strange scent of him that lingered on my body. A strong feel of guilt took over, as if in a short moment I had lost all of my innocence. All people who have known me all agree that I am among the most innocent, pure, and selfless ones. But such event let me with a guilt that after all I was just a liar, a young man with a dirty mind and heart.But this does not bother me as much as the thought that one day when I fall in love with another one, my history was not clean, and I did not preserve my soul and body for him. Although if he was in the same situation, I would love him no matter what.What should I do with this guilt? I know that it is in the past and I cannot change it, but there have been so many nights when I thought of my future love, the guilt would struck me to the core.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): I know you said it doesn't bother you but i think maybe it does and that you still need time to process it - time to in a sense "forgive" yourself so you won't be worried so much about what a future brings.I lost my virginity at 25 on a first date with a stranger. I hadn't planned on it. There hadn't even been a spark between us or really any sort of chemistry. But i was so lonely, depressed and panicked that i was being left behind in life. An opportunity presented itself and I took it. I am not proud of what I did but it is just one of those things I had to learn to let go of. I think what helped me is trying to understand why I did what i did. What were my reasons and realising over time how it changed me for the better (such as acting with more sense and a heart willing to take more chances on something real). I come from a religious background so I did feel a lot of guilt, but over time i slowly forgave myself understanding it was the right choice at the time. It would not be the single factor that defined me. Also as the years pass you start to grasp the reality that virginity is nothing, where as a connection with someone is everything. You don't have to disclose to your future partner what happened. They should accept you with whatever baggage you have because all those screwed up things are also the wonderful things that have helped you be you. They say regret at the end of our life is not what we did do but what we did NOT do. Take time to grieve for your virginity, grieve for the perceived loss and find a way to let go then move on.What makes my situation a little different is that I also got pregnant. Don't think that you are immune. You are technically sexual active (even if you don't have sex again until you are 35) so ensure you do get tested.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (27 December 2015):
There’s no easy way to magic away feelings of regret, but we have to find a way to live with them. IT would be easy for me to tell you to stop feeling guilty, that it doesn’t matter, that it’s in the past, that few people your age have never had any kind of sexual experience, or that having sex or not having sex doesn’t make a person clean or dirty, pure or impure. All of these things are true but you’re not the first person to be consumed with regret about their sexual experiences like this, and you won’t be the last. I think the best thing you can do is ask yourself what would happen if the boot were on the other foot and you met some-one with your past. You said that you would love your future partner no matter what. Supposing he confessed his guilt to you for the same offence: what would you say? I expect you’d tell him that no-one is perfect. You’d tell him that what makes you a good or a bad person isn’t what you have or haven’t done sexually in the past, but your attitude to life and the way you treat others. You would tell him all the reasons why he’s special to you. You’d tell him that you knew he loved you, and you wouldn’t doubt that because he happens not to be a snow white virgin. You’d recognise that everyone can make a mistake, get it wrong, and not find the right person first, second, third time around. When you meet some-one who is worthy of you, he will say all of those things to you. He’ll think you’re wonderful and he’ll count his lucky stars for having met you. He’ll just wish you could stop beating yourself up about something that belongs in the past
So what? You might ask. How does that help you now? I think the answer to that is that you need to find some resolve in yourself, to pull yourself together and get on with life. I think you need to accept that what happened is a regret that you have to live with, because in fighting the guilt your thoughts are stuck in that moment last summer. You need to accept that the only thing that has really changed is that you can no longer date anyone who insists on a partner with no previous sexual experience, and believe me there aren’t many of them, and if they’re that hung up on it I’d steer well clear of them anyway. Your focus has to be on the kind of person you want in the future, and it has to be on the kind of person you want to be. Your personality hasn’t changed, you’re still the same person you were before you met that man. Your views on sex and sexuality are unchanged, and that’s why you’re suffering now because what you did was out of character. You’re the same person, so whatever you previously thought about what makes you a good potential partner and what you want to work on, still stands today. You say that you haven’t preserved yourself “body and soul,” but you haven’t sold your soul, or given it to anyone. It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t work like that with your body either: you can give yourself fully and completely to a lover if you love them and want to. Having sex with some-one doesn’t give them anything of your body or soul and make any subsequent experience less completely your own and the other person’s. I want you to think about what first times you still have preserved to enjoy with your future love: kissing (you said that didn’t happen with the online guy), the first time being held by some-one telling you how in love with you he is, the first time introducing some-one as your boyfriend and beaming with pride, the first time being in a crowded room and it being like everyone other than your special some-one is miles away, and the first time having sex with some-one you love, which is so very different ant much, much more special.
What’s done is done. Ideas about purity and innocence run deep, and so do feelings of guilt. They aren’t easily overcome, and I don’t pretend that I’d find it easy to take my own advice. Nor do I find it easy to comfort others feeling exactly like you do (yes, I’ve had to do so), because I know that I can make all the rational arguments in the world, but it’s how they feel. But you have to work hard at it, to really try and block out those thoughts by reminding yourself that your future love will love who you are, not what you were on one day in one bad set of circumstances. Think about what I’ve said. Remember that everyone else will tell you that you’re worthy of some-one amazing and, if nothing else, remind yourself that you trust those people.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): Chances are they haven't saved themselves for you either. It sounds like you have some issues running deep - were your family quite closed about sex and relationships? It's not dirty to have sex with someone, and you might benefit from speaking to a relationship counsellor to help you shake off this feeling because you cannot keep beating yourself up for exploring who you are.
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