A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What can I do about my suicidal ex boyfriend? We broke up on Wednesday after a year and as a result he took an overdose and has been in hospital since. I've visited him every day because I feel responsible, he says he's going to change for me so that we can get back together but I don't know what I want and he knows that. I love him to death, but love just isn't enough to make it work, and I know that if I'm not there for him he'll feel abandoned and just kill himself. The only reason he's still alive is because I called an ambulance to go and get him, I'm the only person he's got. I need space from him to work out what I want but he won't give it to me. He says in order to help himself he needs a goal and that goal is me, if he doesn't have me then he has nothing to live for. What can I do?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Oh dear, the 'I will die with you' controller.
It is fairly easy to spot the violent controller. If you try to break away from him you will see his fists coming your way. Nasty sort but at least it is obvious.
The "if you leave me I will kill myself" sort is harder to spot but just as dangerous. Not because you will end up in hospital because of him but because there power is far harder to break. After all if you desert a wife-beater few people will blame you for escaping from broken bones.
But leave behind a self-harmer and others might see you as leaving someone who is in trouble to fend for themselves. Isn't that how you are seeing yourself right now?
Most self-harmers do it to attract attention, it ain't all that hard to kill yourself, so if it fails then it is most often just a way to get attention. Does he have a history of doing this?
Give in to him and he will do things like this again and again anytime he doesn't get his way and is that how you want to life the rest of your life?
Leave him in the hands of the pro's and cut all ties. There really isn't any other choice, if you don't believe us ask one of the people treating him.
If you stay with him for say a month and then leave the samething will happen again. So do it now and if he happens to commit suicide for real, yes that would no doubt make you feel guilty as hell BUT what is the alternative. Sacrifice your entire life to his whims?
If he is undergoing treatment talk to his shrink for the best way to break of contact.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Self harmers can be incredibly manipulative of other people. In many respects it is easier for them to blame their profound depression (and suicide ideation) on someone else than deal with the truth. The truth is that they have severe mental health issues and disordered patterns of thinking. These can only be treated through professional help and hopefully he will now receive clinical support. I think you need to protect yourself as you are clearly attached to this person but a bit of distance is required. I think you are too emotionally involved to be able to help him since he is willing to place blame on you for his own life problems. Don't feel responsible because this is not your fault.
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A
female
reader, tamsine83 +, writes (27 June 2008):
You must not hold urself responsible! Be there for him as a friend right now, you cannot be his everything it isn't healthy. He needs to get some help also as that is a very drastic move to make because you broke up with him, he needs to think about work, finding friends, hobbies, relationships are a bonus on a good life or a life thats as good as you can make it. Tell him you will stay close until he starts helping himself and you also decide what you'd like to do. You may find that once he finds himself and he doesn't rely on you to be what he lives for then he'll want to be friends. Also you may find that if he doesn't need you so much then you will find a friend is all you want in this. You mustn't ever stay in a relationship because of worrying over someone or guilt etc. Otherwise you will end uop enemys and thats sad. Good luck hun, and post back with an update to say how things are going xx
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (27 June 2008):
 You don't give in to blackmail - emotional or otherwise.He's got a problem, but in the end the best you're going to achieve by being there for him now is to delay what's going to happen regardless of what you do - simply because you're too close to the problem or even that you ARE the problem.You point the professionals at him - the professionals at the hospital who are already looking after him. They're very good at their jobs, not just patching him up but following it through and doing the best that anyone could possibly do to make sure it doesn't happen again. Honestly, you're just a complication for his recovery right now, and he's not going to respond to the professionals' best efforts to steer him in a sensible direction all the time his mind is focused on you as the one and only good thing in the entire universe.It's harsh, but you can't "help lame ducks". Others, experts, can. And then if and when your "duck" can stand on his own two legs, THEN and only then is the time to see if your relationship can fly.
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A
female
reader, elizabeth1986 +, writes (27 June 2008):
Hi hun,
What an awful position to be put in. Its obvious he is very fragile but he should never have put you in that situation. Im no psychiatrist but I believe that somebody who is suicidal needs to sort themself out, and not to lean too much on other people, like yourself, as they will always be dependant on you otherwise.
It might be better to say to him that he should get himself on his feet and happy within himself before he has a relationship with you. You could stay in touch for a few months and he should meet some new guy friends and go out and find something in his life, then see about getting back together. Then you will have your time to decide and he gets the oppotunity to make himself happy, and not expect you to do it for him. His goal can be getting himself on his feet ready for you to try again in a few months??
You shouldn't blame yourself though, it is not your fault, you are not responsible. People break up all over the world, all of the time and not everyone tries to commit suicide, I think it's just that some people dont cope as well as others, and thats not your problem, thats something he has to learn to deal with. Life is filled with much worse things than being dumped and he needs to prepare himself for these things. I really dont think you should get back with him right now, you both need your space and he needs to find something else in his life other than you to make him happy.
Please don't feel pressured into anything by guilt, as I promise you it isnt your fault. Good luck and I hope you get a happy ending and he gets well soon. xxx
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