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female
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anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid.I have a really low self-esteem. In public situations I get so nervous that I feel I might pass out. Usually I feel like I'm worth nothing and that people don't care about me. At school I see girls hanging out with their big group of friends, whereas I am always on my own. Basically I am really lonely and always have been. What should I do? Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2005): The main problem with changing low self-esteem is recognition of the problem in the first place. And good for you..you do recognize the problem and you are writing in to ask for advice. A positive first step. That says to yourself..you don't have to keep living with this. Firstly, you have to put that inner critic to rest, once and for all. You might not notice that you are being critical of yourself. You might not see the connection between your self-criticism and your anxiety. Take some time to notice how you talk to yourself. You might carry a small notebook with you to write down some of these thoughts. In the same notebook, write kind, comforting words you may say to yourself when you start to beat yourself up.
Stop comparing yourself to others. when one has low-self-esteem, they can’t win in a comparison because they simply won't allow that for themselves. Usually you will come out less than the person you compare yourself to. And..if you do win in the comparison, never, ever devalue your winning traits. Instead of comparing yourself to others, notice differences; don’t judge them or yourself. Remember, you are unique and that is what makes you special.
Try to surround yourself with people who are positive and affirming. Your self-esteem will flourish and grow when you are with happy people. Learn to accept yourself-
accepting yourself as you are now makes it possible for you to grow and develop. When you feel okay about yourself, you are able to risk change. Make learning mistakes-everyone does it and a mistake does not make you a failure. It’s a sign that you’re on your growing edge. Treat a mistake as the gift-it is an opportunity to learn. Don’t fall into the low self-esteem traps of blaming others, denying your mistakes, hiding them, defending your behavior or criticizing yourself for not being perfect.
Stop improving and start developing. When you try to improve yourself, you start from a belief that there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Each improvement leads to the need for still more improvements. Instead, start with your strengths, your talents, the gifts you were given. Then develop these talents. Then you can grow from a foundation of strength instead of a foundation of weakness.
Try affirm yourself every day. Each night before you go to bed, jot down ten things you feel good about from the day. They don’t need to be big things. They could be kindnesses you showed, feelings you expressed, commitments you honored. For example, "I did well on my Math exam" or "I helped Mom in the kitchen" or "I looked nice in my new shirt" Do this every day for one month and watch your self-esteem grow.
Talk to a relative you are close to and see if they can help you seek some good counseling. You do not have to live this way. Take a "self-confidence course"-they help immensley.
Please remember, dear, low self-esteem doesn't change to high self-esteem over night. It takes work. Tell yourself-you are worth it-you really are, hun. The little acts of being good to yourself and compassionate towards yourself will help immensely. These are acts which you may practice every day by being conscious of how you "speak" to yourself. Always-think nice things about yourself. And remember, you deserve to live a happy life-do this for yourself. Good luck to you
and take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (23 September 2005):
Even though in general i agree with Pops, but where i am from if you did that, people would find out and you would be bullied which will make you even more lonely and have no self-esteem or confidence at all.
You need to see an external counselor IMO, but the list idea is a good suggestion.
From my own experience generally people probably dont care about you, there isn't many people out there who gives a monkeys about the environment and others they dont know, but strangely enough they can be the best mates ever if you were actually mates with them.
Now i suffered from the same problems as you, i wont say i know what you going through, because things effect people in different ways, and situations vary upon, school, town, country, time of year, age, year/grade @ school etc.
But the way i look at it is, are they really that good? I mean has anyone driftered away from the 'norm' and actually tried to make you feel welcome or to involve you?
What im trying to prove is they may have a huge group of friends they hang out with and they may look cool or whatever but in fact they are just ordinary 'losers' i guess.
it seems that you think you are SHIT (you aint TRUST me!) and that these other people are gods or something, but this is where it get interesting...you are the good person, even though these people current dont care..you care about them and in an indirect way you dont want to get invovled because you feel that you aint good enough.
Now if you get bullied by them, get starred at by them or have abuse shouted at you from them then please dont introduce yourself you will make it worse and could get seriously hurt.
Other then that you need to evaluate your two problems (and they are problems but EVERYONE has problems and trust me many people have alot more, i think the average is 5):
* Loneliness
* Self-esteem
You need to build up confidence and determination to not be lonely, but theres a problem with that the 2nd problem can prevent this from happening. You need to RESPECT yourself more, but i know, i've had this problem before and its not easy and it takes time, wont be done overnight.
I'm not sure what level school you go to and your grade/year, so it makes it hard to give advice.
I would say start by making new friends outside school, as even though there will be pressure, you havn't seen those people before, yet you seen those at school alot more times there will be alot more pressure, but the same advice was given to a few girls (well, they are women now and still have the mental scars, some even physical) i know and lets just say they had very bad experiences...
they had same problems and its easier to chat to new friends in chatrooms and sites like faceparty as its not face-2-face and you feel more comfortable yet some people who are NOT who they say they are so please dont go down those methods, i dont know the facts but these people i know were in similar situation to begin with, build confidence, get in2 lets say a dangerous situation and then become even worse then they were before and scared to go out.
So dont do no online stuff but if you are very careful and the rite age you could join a youth club or something, however, i guess that sort of situation would be alot worse unless its simply an @ school thing.
Please reply back with your age and grade/year then i might be able to give you some better advice.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (23 September 2005):
 I think Pops is right in suggesting seeing an educational counsellor; they may be able to help you recognise all you have to offer as well as to discover why you feel the way you do.
What about your home life? How are your parents with you? Do they tell you how great you are? Compliment you? This is important for a young person growing up. Perhaps they could see a counsellor with you?
Do write down a list of all your good characteristics. You do have many! Stick the list somewhere you can see it to remind yourself of who you really are.
A counsellor could also help you deal with the anxiety you are feeling when you are in a public place and teach you ways to keep calm.
In terms of your shyness and loneliness, this will take time to build and it will help if you make the first step in the right direction. Try simply smiling at other people as you are walking by. Just begin with that. Eventually, work up to saying a few words to someone who you think may be approachable; this can be about anything, even the weather! It's just to help build your confidence.
Eventually, if you take it step by step with some support from your family and/or a counsellor, you will be able to talk to others with ease. Honestly, you will.
Believe that you are worthy, remind yourself of the facts by looking at your list everyday.
My thoughts are with you.
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reader, pops +, writes (23 September 2005):
First talk to a school counselor. They are free, and available during school hours, and can be a big help. Then, make a list of the good characteristics you have. Start with physical description, and then include personality. Make a second list of bad characteristics you want to get rid of. ( Like poor self esteem!)Then make a third list of things that some people care about in other people, that you could care less about. You want to work on reducing the second list, and increasing the first. The Third list will grow as you age, and learn what is important to you, and what isn't. When you wash your face each morning, tell that person in the movie how lucky the world is to have her in it. Then go out, and find ways to prove her right. Want to be included in girls groups? Walk over, introduce yourself, and join in. Want boys to talk to you? Talk to them. They are just as shy and insecure as you are.
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