A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:before you read any further, please don't let the length of this question put you off readling it fully! i'm going out with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years, we took a break for about a month a while ago but got back together. the night we decided to take the break we had unbelievably passionate sex including lots of kissing (which had been previously missing in the r'ship). since we've been back together it has gone back to the way it was previously, my main complaint is the lack of affection she shows towards me such as when we don't see each other for a while or i've been away i'd expect her to show how much she misses me which doesn't happen. also when we have sex, there is little or no foreplay. the best sex we seem to currently have is when we watch porn where she gets turned on really quickly and comes and then she just wants the sex over and done with asap after that by hoping i climax quickly. there is no kissing involved in this and she takes over whereby the main goal to the sex is for her to achieve orgasm. she also seems to really like it when i become rough with her. the other sex we have is when she basically just allows me to have sex with her just to satisfy my needs so once again there's no foreplay and it's basically just about getting it out of the way. when i've asked her before about why she doesn't kiss me she has said it was my breath at times so i went to d dentist and everything but still she doesn't like kissing me. it's just so frustrating, also blow jobs are completely off the cards now, used to get one once every so often but since the relationship has gone further down the line, i get one once every blue moon.personally the thing that gets to me most is the kissing thing, i can deal with the no blow jobs as i know some girls do not like it but the lack of foreplay especially kissing really gets to me especially after i have said to her that it gets to me. also, even though we get on very well with each other, i'm beginning to wonder whether we actually have much in common, our main thing in common is that we work together. she is a very anxious person it has to be said which i think plays a huge part with her being able to relax which in turn plays a part on our sex life. she also gets herself into a state of panic when for example there is a big night out arranged where she has to look perfect, so much so she goes out of her way to look perfect when i feel there's no even need to, she gets herself ina state of pure panic and stress in a bid to look the best. now i'm not complaining about this as she's stunning and everyone also compliments me on how good looking she is but she had a freaker the other day when before we went out, we left the hotel room for it to be cleaned, when we returned it still wasn't cleaned (we had only checked in the night before so it wasn't even that dirty, all we needed was fresh towels). she started freaking out and i told her to relax and that nobody had been hurt but then she starts erratically moving my stuff into a corner as if to make the point that the room was dirty when it wasn't! she hadn't even walked over to my side of the bed until then! she then sort of gave a half apology when she had calmed down and said she sort of over reacted. she clearly over reacted, all over just getting ready to go out! i had every right to say nothing to her as i knew she was in a foul stressed out mood so she then says before we leave to meet friends "i hope you're not gonna be in one of your moods now for the rest of the day". i started laughing and asked her how she could possibly say this given the mood she was just in. she also does this as well when she's in a stressed out mood (an unreasonable mood) she expects me just to massage her mood by agreeing with her and walking on eggshells around her, then if i get in a bad mood she tells me i'm too sensitive. at times, i feel she's like the bloke in the relationship the way she's so emotionless at times for a woman. i really am at the end of my tether but it's sort of hard to make a decision as to whether to end it given that we've been going out for nearly 4 years and because of the age i am at. i'm thinking long term and i really don't think if we moved in with each other or lived together how it could be any better. she refused to move in with me previously when i asked her as she said that my hobbies would isolate her in the sense that i'd be always out of the house and because she doesn't really have that many friends she feels she'd be isolated! what am i supposed to do about that? i have a fear as well that if we were to get married or have children, something like pregnancy would be a nightmare for her to deal with given that she lets simple things like getting ready for a night out affect her that much. i've discussed with her before about getting some sort of cognitive behavioural thereapy to help her with her stress which she said she would do but didn't in the end.i really don't know what to do, i love her but i think that if i was to end the r'ship that i might be a happier person for it mainly due to the fact that i wouldn't have to be unhappy when i have to deal with her stress levels and moods. anyone have any advice or experiences of something similar?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): it seems to me that she has very little confidence/no self esteem to be acting this way. if you try explaining to her how you feel about her behaviour i believe she will take it very personally and you will get nowhere.
how was her up bringing? i ask that because i have a few friends myself who had not so good upbringings and they also have the traits that your girlfriend displays.
she needs to rebuild her confidence/self esteem
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 The fact you think by ending the relationship you would be a happier person says a lot about how you feel and that you seem close to a saturation point and can't take this much longer. It's a warning alert when our relationship, that is supposed to be a breath of fresh air, is starting to make one feel sad and burdened. I think you seem to be willing to make compromises here, you are willing to give up oral sex, willing to wait for her to make up her mind about moving in with you, and about doing something to better manage her stress problem, but relationships are give and take, what is she willing to do to bring this any further? It doesn't seem she is making an effort? Does it often happens that she has to be 'pushed' to do something that in the end she also disfrutes, that she enjoys? You must talk to her and have a clear idea of how much each of you will do to help this relationship surpass this bad moment, not very far in the future as time goes by and you are boxing the compass. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. The fact she doesn't like to kiss can indeed be very frustrating to you, this usually becomes a problem after many years of marriage, to have to struggle with this even before marriage I have no doubt is very hard. If a breath problem you say is ruled out, maybe it's her nature to not display affection as you understand and desire it, in which case this will probably not change much in time - this is another topic to be approached with her. Interesting that you should mention how you think a pregnancy would affect her, it is probably a valid point that you make judging by her reactions, who knows, maybe she is not ready to progress in this or any relationship right now. See how a heart to heart can change things or at least help you have a better grasp of the situation and make up your mind. If you decide to stay, it's necessary that she agrees with a few terms and conditions: that is, enrolling in a stress management course and counselling to determine if her being so emotionless at times can have roots in her past and how this can change; imagine having no sex life in your first year of marriage - this is what normally can follow if this issue isn't addressed, and there is the risk that it's just in her nature to be distant. Has she changed a lot in this aspect since you first met? Don't expect immediate results if you go for counselling. But eventually if you really feel things aren't working and you can't make each other happy, unfortunately you will both have to move on. All the best.
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