A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is good to talk to, not a great listener, but he is very passionate when he cares, is helpful, understanding and not egotistic and is generous.but when it comes to me been on my period, it is a whole different box of cookies, i cannot even so much as mention i have periods, he starts to hum loudly to not listen what i have to say, it could just be me saying i need pain killers because i have stomach cramps...he gets really freaked out and even goes as far as to sleep on the sofa if he thinks i am getting my period, he keeps count of the days so he does not have to spend time with me.i am really hurt by that, he makes me feel like i am disgusting, by not even wanting to touch me and avoiding me at all cost! it is even worst since the man i was with before him treated the whole issue completely differently, my ex would buy breakfast if he could, buy me pads if necessary, wash my underwear coddle me and even make love to me if that is what i required... :(i feel like he had me so spoiled i have no idea how to deal with my new boyfriends fear of period blood, i have mentioned to him several times, i have asked him to please not sleep on the sofa! because that makes me feel horrible, but it is hard to rationalise with someone who can barley get his words out to explain to me what is so frightening about 1/4 of blood. is not like i make him watch it! he would have no idea that i was on it if i never mentioned it, so i wonder what to do about this!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 March 2014):
 I'm glad that he sees that this is important. sorry my last post got a bit jumbled and I didn't check it before posting. As long as he is willing to keep working at it you have the possibility of a livable situation.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much fatherly advice, this approach seems to be getting me some where.
been firm but using words like, circle or monthly time, well it feels like hi listens a bit more now, also i have decided to bring the subject up a lot more often, so i think he realised i was been serious about it and it was not going away so better deal with it!
i also told him what @@brown wolf said, i repeated you cannot choose which situations to deal with and for which situations you bury your head under the sun and completely neglect.
i also mentioned i needed him to be a bit stronger than that, because should something happen to me '' god forgive'' as things are right now, i don't feel i could count on him. i think that trigger it a little bit. some how i feel that did it.
i also asked. should we ever decide to have children, would you decide that watching me giving birth is one of those things you do not want to deal with? to which he replied, that makes sense, i left it at that, to give him some thinking time.
thanks everyone for your input.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 March 2014):
So the humming is anew defense. That is not a good sign. It probably means that he is becoming more fearful or more adverse to the situation. So to your questions.
Should I give him time?
No, time is working against you right now. If he is adding avoidance techniques he is not moving forward.
Should I put my serious face on and try and reason with him?
Yes but may I add that you may want to phrase your request without using any words that might trigger a fear response in him.
Should I wait till it happens and try to persuade him to come back to bed?
No start desensitizing weeks before your period. Don't try to get to the goal in one step. Start with some thing small that he thinks he might be able to handle. For example I'm diabetic and my wife fears needles. She has hidden that fear successfully for years. Now that I am aware of it I'm working on desensitizing so if there should be an emergency she won't freeze up. The other day she held a capped needle without freaking out. That was a small step forward, if I had asked her to give me a shot it would have been a giant step that she couldn't handle. Start small and progress at a pace he can handle. You may have to sleep alone a few more times. Like,"there is a problem in our relationship, can you help me solve it?"
This is the serious face talk. best of luck, this will probably not be easy.
FA
The first thing is to get him to commit to fighting it. You want to start by talking in general terms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFatherly advice: that would be a start. getting him back to sharing a bed with me. But I honestly don't know how to go on about it, if I keep bringing the issue I think I might just drive him away even further. I don't want to try and talk about it every month... I have even brought the subject up for the past 3 months. Until the other day when I went out in the middle of the evening to get painkillers... and he asked me why! And then he wouldn't even listen. That is when he was humming and all that.Should I give him time?Should I put my serious face on and try and reason with him?Should I wait till it happens and try to persuade him to come back to bed?.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 February 2014):
We seem to have wandered from the point. The point is not how to deal with a period. The point is how to deal with a phobia. The therapy method I am aware of (only one I know) is desensitization.
To use spiders as an example. First we would try looking at a picture of a spider. Then as we become able to handle that, we could try watching a video of a spider. Then being in the same room as a spider, and so on.
Perhaps I use spiders because I had a small phobia of them. Now I can watch them up close in person but I don't handle them much. If one walks onto me I don't panic, but I do encourage her to move on.
Right now this guy would be incapable of buying baby food at the grocery I go to because it is in the same aisle as the feminine products. I perceive that our OP's highest goal is to get him to sleep in the same bed as her during that week. Most guys don't shop for the pads or tampons as evidenced by the jokes that exist about the poor guy sent to buy that. Now after raising three girls, I'm thoroughly desensitized. Easier than buying condoms. But to get back to the topic desensitizing this fellow to menses. He is going to have to see a picture, and see an advertisement video and bee in the same room as a package of pads before he is going to be able to sleep in the same bed. And don't start by springing the picture on him as a surprise. I'll never forget the letter to the editor of Organic gardening magazine the month after they sported a huge picture of an orb weaver on the cover. The poor arachnophobe reader had to send he husband to get the mail out of the box and hide the picture. Any way he needs this and every thing you do to help him is a kindness at the least to the next girl he falls for.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy care don't be silly. You really expect me to tell you that I want the whole world to care?I do get on with life and fulfill my tasks, yes unfortunately unlike other women my period takes a toll on me, of course it is not just my period it is other health issues that I already have that contribute to me feeling drained.Now! to be clear I don't expect my current boyfriend to do what my ex did for me, no the underwear bit or cooking breakfast none of that! But I do expect him to care more than my boss would, or my son, or the guy that works in the corner shop from my house, because I though I was suppose to count on him more than anyone else.This makes it seem like I go on and on about my period when I am on it which could not be further from the truth, I have a life to fulfill I don't have time to sit and contemplate the inner workings of me, I assumed it was heavily implied I was only talking about a hug or a cuddle here and there. Yeah! I am clingy I use to make my parents cuddle me for 5 minutes straight too. I honestly do not think it is that much to ask for, I don't think it is that hard to hug your gf if you see her drained, exhausted and looking tired than ever. I would not care if the whole world avoids me but my bf? When I really need him?The only reason my period has become a big deal is because and I am sorry to go there, but I do feel that his reaction to me spilling bodily fluids has drawn a lot of attention to it.Is not like I walk in the room with a banner that says 'On my period everyone' trust me you can just see it in my face.And I mean don't was my underwear (as caring as that was I do not expect anyone to do that for me) but don't avoid me at all cost either.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Hey it was not me :). I did not say anything .
Although, now that we are at it... I must say that I find curious how you two are at the opposite end of the spectrum in making a big fuss about something normal, natural and banal like menstruations. He eeeeews and bleahsss, .. and you require / expect an amount of , more than nurturing, babying which would be perhaps more appopriate for an illness ,than for a regular physiological function ... You feel so sleepy and mellow , that you can't pop your own dirty laundry in the washing machine ?...What can I say, enjoy it till it last if you find other " nurturers "... because I strongly doubt that once you have a full time , demanding career your boss at work, or your clients , if you are a free lance professional, will give a fig if you feel mellow and sleepy, they will require the same standard of service any day of your cycle... or if you raise a child, you probably won't be able to fob him off to relatives or care takers 5 / 6 whole days every month , because you feel " mellow "...
I wonder , as the anon poster wonders, if your attitude toward this time of the month may not be affecting your bf's attitude... Don't get me wrong, I still think is reaction is exaggerated and absurd, maybe he has a menstrual blood fobia , like other people have a phobia for spiders or for clowns or whatnot, and unluckily there's no reasoning with this kind of irrational hang ups. But, it could be that subconsciously, or consciously but passive -aggressively , this is his way to say " No, you are not going to be treated as special or precious or in need of super attentive handling just for having a menstrual period. You are not going to be REWARDED for that, - au contraire... "...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 February 2014):
Thank you for the updates. I would add the advice that the concept of you being punished is your reaction to his behavior and not his feelings about it. What I am saying is that no matter how valid your feelings are, they are not helping.
I agree that his extreme and unbending reactions to a perfectly normal bodily function is a possible deal breaker. something must change for the relationship to survive. since your body is not going to alter it's natural cycle then his phobia must be faced and conquered.
If he can't do that he will be unable to have a successful relationship with a woman.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): I think your boyfriend is overreacting a bit, but on the other hand, maybe you might be a bit more open about that time of the month than other women. I have friends who take that time of the month as a time to be coddled and comforted and want things done for them as if having a period makes them incapable of doing normal things (and for sure, for some women that is the case and they can be incapacitated by cramps) - and that's all well and good if you have a man who's willing to do that. But in our household of three women, we just get on with things. We don't announce it to the family and I don't tell my husband unless there's a valid reason for him to know about it. In your case I don't think your current man is going to be as doting as your last and maybe you might need to curb the expectations a little and prepare ahead of time so you have everything you need when the time comes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi sorry i forgot to mention his age! my boyfriend will turn 29 next month, so i do not consider him young, i consider him much to old to be ewwwing, yuking! and the humming. that is why i am attempting to have a mature conversation with him, like grown adults!
he grew up a catholic, but he does not even go to church any more, so i hope it is nothing to do with religion, because i am trying to label with him, and if this ideology was inflicted on to him by religion i find it to big a battle for me to fight.
any who, i do believe this will drive us apart! i never had a problem with my period, it has never been a problem in the past! but now it is, maybe it was naive of me to assume that a mature heterosexual male who is fully determinate to interact with human females long term would have deal with this aspect of life by now! but i was wrong clearly to assume that clearly!
the worst part is i am starting to feel like the problem here is me having periods, it translates from his part as 'him having some sort of resentment towards me, for getting my period and as a punishment i will be avoided. there is no point on me reminding him, that this is something that naturally happens and i cannot control it. but i feel it is a ticking bomb something needs to change either him or my status.
i mean i find this as rational as me saying, yes i will have sex with you but i don't even want to see your sperm! ever... if i ever see sperm spilling out of your body i will freak out, with men comes sperm, and i deal with that a long time ago... when i became a fully mature woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy care my ex never washed my underwear by hand, I mean he would keep replacements at his place for example pop my dirty undies in the washing mashing and have them clean for next the time. I didn't find it over the top I get really mellow and want to relax and have someone to cuddle me, I feel sleepy and tired and having someone nurturing me felt amazing I really miss that.
My currant boyfriend is not a Muslim or an orthodox Jew ( I on the other hand come from a Jewish family )
My bf us from the USA living in england now, I have tried to talk about it but he shrugs his shoulders and makes noises, it does irritate me but if I snap we will never have this conversation... I have to break the first barrier that of communication, but how?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 February 2014):
Oops, looks like I left a sentence unfinished.
If you use it as a weapon against him, by nagging him about it or by belittling him over it. should have read If you use it as a weapon against him, by nagging him about it or by belittling him over it, it will only increase his fear and drive you apart.
Also I did think briefly about the religious aspects. I do hope that is not the case here I also believe there is no prohibition against picking up a bottle of pamprin / midol.
Honey has a good point that at the age of thirty a man should be able to handle this. I could say that perhaps he is younger . . . . but I really don't think our OP is dating someone under 16.
In the past I ran across a guy whos girlfriend banished him once a month for a week. They were around 16. I gave them the same advice. You want to be involved in relationships with people of the other gender you better find a way to deal with it. She did find ways to maintain a healthy relationship even when her mood wasn't ideal. He also learned a lot about being kinder when needed.
FA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): I understand that some men don't feel the need to know the details of a woman's period time, but to act like a complete da da is silly and immature. If he thinks you are spiritually unclean ( interesting point that So very confused states)and very possibly the reason.Eve's sin remains and A man cannot have sex with a menstruating woman without making him unclean; in fact, simply touching one will make a ritually clean man, unclean. Even sitting where a menstruating women has sat can make him unclean And when you are ritually unclean, you cannot approach God, in mind or person. None the less, unhealthy, in my opinion, like most religions.When he goes to the bathroom (as all humans do with a natural body function)as Brown wolf suggests, reflect his own actions and treat him the same way...refuse to sit near him or go in the same bathroom after him. To sqirm at mother nature is shameful and especially when the nature involves creating life!!!!!!Prehistoric man viewed menstruating women as a form of true power and magic, direct from a sense of "god" . A woman bleeds, each month, timed with the moon, and does not get sick or die. She can also create life,It was magical and she was honored. This may be something that you may have to learn more about (if it is to do with his religion)then at least you UNDERSTAND that this is not really personal,as such and you may decide to accept this behaivour. You may decide that you can not live with this EVERY MONTH but this is something that you need to think about.I keep an open mind on other peoples religions although I do not follow any one particular religion myself. I believe that when any religion hurts another's, mind body or soul, it holds no truth.Mother Nature is not to be questioned or made dirty, it is free and beautiful and full of truth, never be ashamed of been a woman, you were created with man and can create LIFE between you!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Or is he an orthodox jew who is rebelling against his parents.
Orthodox Jews have a huge prohibition against any contact with a female who is "spiritually unclean" due to her menses and the subsequent 5 days after before she goes to the ritual bath to immerse herself and become "spiritually clean" again.
there is NO contact between spouses. It's not mentioned. they sleep in separate beds. She may not hand him anything directly. He may not eat off of her plate while she is "unclean"
So if he is middle eastern or was raised orthodox Jewish, then it to some extent explains his behavior.
does not mean he's correct or over the top but you need to find out why his fear is so extreme...
Personally I find your ex boyfriend a little too much into taking care of you and perhaps, while your current BF is OVERREACTING in one direction your ex OVERREACTED into the other direction. Washing your underwear is over the top IMO.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Sorry, I would show him the door.
If he is in YOUR age group of 22-25 then he is being 100% ridiculous and immature.
I would sit him down and say we need to talk about this. Is he afraid of blood or JUST YOUR period?
I absolutely HATE periods. I wish women NEVER had to have them. Unfortunately I can't just stick my fingers in my ears once a month and hum it away.
Doesn't he understand that YOU getting your period can be a good sign? I (usually) means you are NOT fertilized (aka pregnant).
Is he English or does he have a Middle Eastern background?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 February 2014):
Desensitizing is the right approach. The thing you need to realize is that although the fear may seem silly to you it is very real for him. Even though his fear is real you are right, he needs to be able to handle it better. It is interesting that you were spoiled, when in fact he has been seriously sheltered. It's not as if he has never met a woman who menstruates, every woman he has met does.
The first obstacle you need to overcome is his unwillingness to even talk about it. In order for him to overcome this fear he has to want to. The way to approach him is something like this. Your phobia is hurting our relationship. Since you want to have relationships with women you are going to need to be able to deal with this. If he agrees you need to start small. He is no going to go from unable to mention menstrual pain relievers to having sex while you are on in one step. In fact he may never get that far, but he can do better than he is. You will need to decide together what a reasonable goal and first step will be. He is making it a point to know when you are on your period so he is getting past the don't let me know it is happening stage.
Overcoming a phobia is something you can do together that will build intimacy in the relationship. It is partly a secret you share and partly an enemy you fight together. If you use it as a weapon against him, by nagging him about it or by belittling him over it. Don't treat it as a shame. Most guys are a little freaked out by the whole thing. That's normal. Being unable to sleep in the same room, that's incapacitating.
Good luck with this. I do hope that he sees how necessary it his for him to handle this better.
FA
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (27 February 2014):
Sometimes the way to teach a man is to show him his own foolishness.
When you are not on your period he wants sex right, of course. The moment he mentions it, or hints of it, you start humming, not listening, even go as far as sleeping on the couch.
Then when he says you are being ridiculous, you say “that is exactly how you look to me when you act the way you do. Men are supposed to men in any situation, not just the ones that pleases them. How would you like it if you were bleeding badly and need my help, and I refuse because eewww, blood?”
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 If we will not listen, then write a little note explaining how his actions hurt you. I must admit not all men are open to having sex during the time a woman has her period. But your BF has taken it onto whole new level not wanting to share the bed.
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