A
male
age
26-29,
*ames127
writes:Ok so me and my gf have been going out for about 8 months. And I've been struggling with her sexual past a lot recently. She's slept with about 10 people before me, they were all ons apart from one friends with benefits she had just before we started going out. All the people she slept with were in about a 2 month period just before we started going out, basically in that period she was very easy and would do dirty stuff with these ons that I know in great detail. The fwb she had just before we started going out would do quite dirty stuff with her and she would basically let him do what he liked with her. Before I start d going out with her I was a virgin (never done anything sexual at all) and had never had a gf or much female interaction tbh. So I very much struggle to put her past sexual partners into perspective and I can't help but see her as a slut and get really jealous about how easy she was for those other men and all the dirty stuff she did with them no strings attached. Obviously I know she hasn't done anything wrong and it's fair enough she did that when she was single so I don't punish her for what she did. But I care for her a lot in our relationship and thinking about what she was and what she's done sexually really bothers me. Also it makes me insecure as how do I know I'm any better than those other guys she was really dirty with? It's likely some of them had bigger junk than me or were better in bed etc. And it makes me feel quite innocent and almost small when it comes to the bedroom knowing that I'm just one of many people she's shagged yet she is all I've known sexually. To make matters worse I come into contact with her fwb she had just before me every now and then. And drunken conversations with him present have gone into all the dirty details they have done together and it just makes me so jealous and insecure and almost like he's intruding our relationship as he's done all this dirty stuff to her just like I have. As if our relationship doesn't really mean anything. You want to have a person and secretive sex life in a relationship and I just feel like after that conversation our sex life was almost open and her sexuality isnt dedicated to me if that makes and sense.
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drunk, friend with benefits, her ex, her past, insecure, jealous, period, sex life, sexual past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 June 2017):
 If you cannot accept her past then don't be with her.
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (18 June 2017):
Even if you manage not to make her feel bad or guilty, this thing that's bugging you is going to affect her too. No matter how hard you try to suppress your jealousy and bad feelings, they will keep taking over. And at some point you won't be able to handle it. You will certainly tell her how you feel. You will be harsh with her. And the worst part is this will keep getting worst with time. You will NEVER forget this. You will never stop seeing her as you see her now.You should save her and yourself a lot of grief. And break up with her now. You are young and you could end up breaking up with her for other reasons too. The pain you will be through is nor worth it. If you start over now with another girl you will be able to handle it easier. As now you will have your own sexual past. I know you love her, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for help. But trust me, "the past is in the past", "she's with you now", "what she did is none of your business" and all that sh*t is not going to help you. What you feel won't go away just because a bunch of people tells you what is reasonable for them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): YouWish said:
"It's not a madonna/whore complex. Had the genders been reversed, and it was the boyfriend who had 10 ONS's and the girlfriend who was virginal, would your reaction to his sexuality be the same??"
Yes my reaction would be the same. Slutty is slutty no matter which side does it. It is a madonna/whore complex when you equate all unmarried sexual activity with promiscuity.
The OP is not equally promiscuous with his girlfriend. He is pretty far at the other end of the spectrum in fact.
The OP is guilty of having a penis. That is not the same thing as having a double standard.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 June 2017):
 Having 9-10 ONS's *is* different than sex in a committed relationship. However, once the OP made his decision to continue to date and subsequently sleep with his girlfriend after knowing this about her means that he's made his decision about whether or not he's good with her sexual history. She didn't hide this from him or lie to him. He knew he was with someone with a lot more experience than himself.
It's not a madonna/whore complex. Had the genders been reversed, and it was the boyfriend who had 10 ONS's and the girlfriend who was virginal, would your reaction to his sexuality be the same?? I'm saying no, simply by the female aspect of the entire "Madonna/whore" classification, as if casual sex practiced by a woman makes her slutty, yet there's no corresponding "dirty" aspect to a man practicing the same casual sex.
The guy was within his rights to decide that their values were not sexually compatible when he started seeing her. But he CHOSE to sleep with her anyways, meaning he can't sleep with her, then claim that she is dirty or slutty because her sexual past is different than his. Do you have any idea how monumentally hypocritical that even is??
The thing he honed in on is to have sex with her!! Yet, he sees her as LESS because she has had sex with other men who were just like him. No one would have looked down on him had he decided that he'd rather lose his virginity to a woman with little or no sexual experience, and who only had sex in committed relationships. However, all he thought about was popping his own cherry, and all of these considerations were shoved to the side until he got what he wanted. Sorry, but he is just like she is -- he wanted sex, so he got it. He didn't wait until marriage, or being engaged, or whatever. They have been dating for 10 months, so I'm curious as to how long they were together before the sex began.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): WTF?!?
Having 9-10 one night stands IS DIFFERENT from having sex with one person in a committed relationship.
We can debate whether its okay to call the first person naughty. But there is no debating whether there is any difference between them. Treating those two different sexual histories like they are the same is having a madonna whore complex.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2017):
The anon "politically correct" post is still there!
It's the answer right below Honeypie's.
OP, stop referring to your girlfriend's sexual history and her sexuality as "dirty stuff". It's not dirty, and that's an antiquated way of looking at it anyways. If you want to look at that this way, then you are just as dirty and "slutty" as she is, because that line of thinking, that having sex is "dirty stuff" is from the outdated notion that any sex outside of marriage is dirty and slutty.
You are as she is now, and both of you have sexual history. Do you consider yourself a slut? Do you consider YOURSELF as dirty?? You talked about how virginal you were before you two went out, but that didn't stop you from pursuing sex with her at full tilt.
If some ex-FWB says crap about her, what does it matter what he says?? If you care about her, why cringe and feel small from this guy's words?? WiseOwle was correct in that you thought like a little boy in terms of her sexual history. Why would you look for her FWB ex, get drunk together, and have long conversations about sex with her?? THat's really messed up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2017): I was in your same shoes years ago. Congrats for holding on to your virginity for so long and making choices that work for you. Rule #1: Don't ask how many people someone has slept with - ever. Trust me- you just don't want to know Rule #2: Always get tested before having unprotected sex of any kind. She could have slept with 1 guy or 100. Any person could carry an STD, and it's always safer to check first. Rule #3: The best sex comes from a partner who cares about pleasing you. I've slept with men that can't count all the girls they've been with and they were NO better than the ones who had only slept with 2 or 3. I think someone who cares about you and is attentive to your needs with result in the best sex.Rule #4: Size doesn't matter! Only 1 female friend of mine has ever said otherwise. We don't obsess over it. You shouldn't either. I know it's concerning to you, but sometimes young people go through wilder times. I did later on in life, and it's not something I'm proud of. How is your relationship with her? If she's honest, you're both happy, and have a good sex life, you should let it go. She's with you now. Any time it pops in your head, just force yourself to change those thoughts (Cognitive behaviour therapy works! :)If this is about more things, then look into it some more. Are you worried that inherently your morals and values are different? Is she saying that you can't perform well? There needs to be SO much more to a relationship than just sex. If she's not mature enough to realize that, move on.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 You did say that she had all this experience over a very short time and then you found each other so you could look on the other side of things and see that you brought stability into her life. Before you judge her if you did time for a crime does that say you can never again be trusted, never again get a job? If I was a really bad person and saw the wrong in my ways would you hold it against me for ever even though I changed and now do a lot of good in life? We to often see the thorn in someone’s finger and not see the plank in ours, or something like that. I think many have said to put this behind you and I agree with them, but I AM SAYING if you cannot and don't put her good points ahead leave the poor girl in the best way you can. Don’t cause her more pain don't run her down. I will tell you a true story of a girl that was dating a boy. Both went to the same med’ school. She was from a poor background. He was from a rich one. To help pay the bills she got a job as a stripper in a bar. It was against house rules to do anything more. One of the men pushed her hard to get her to sleep with him, offering her a lot of money which she would not do. It ended up that the night her boyfriend brought her home to meet mom and dad, she found out dad was this same man. dad told the son the dump this girl because she was not from his background , and they did in fact break up when he found out about her job but at a later date they got back together and she told her bf about how she knew dad and his offer. They are now together and working as doctors in the same town and dad and mother have split up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2017): Well, I see the comment from the anonymous reader about political-correctness has been removed?! Or was it my imagination?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2017): Political correctness isn't my angle on anything. I'm quite direct and succinct in expressing my advice and opinions.
If you choose someone different from yourself; prepare to deal with those differences. You're judging her based on what you were told by someone who is jealous and attempting to upset you; so you have to take such details and the source of the information you received into account when advising people. Making snap-judgements based on hearsay and word of mouth got Jesus nailed to a cross. Judge by what you know, not by what you hear. I there is solid evidence to backup what you hear, then use logic and common-sense and make a decision. If it's more than you want to deal with, you let her go. That's what a real man would do.
Sometimes we blow things out of proportion, sometimes we get ourselves into situations we can't see the way out of, and sometimes we think we can handle something at the beginning; but the more we think about it, we can't.
My advice was to teach you a little something about manhood and dealing with our choices as men. Then turning around and blaming the person we chose for our mistake and misgivings.
Political correctness??? Not me!
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A
male
reader, James127 +, writes (11 June 2017):
James127 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers, they've really helped me get some perspective on my issues. I completely agree that they are my issues and I would never make her feel bad or think she should feel bad about her sexual history. It's just difficult for me to comprehend and understand especially as I have no insight into sleeping with other people and what that means or doesn't mean. It's just been difficult aswell as I know about her sexual history in so much detail I can't get it out of my head sometimes, I don't see or treat her as a slut. I phrased that badly, I merely meant I hate thinking about the girl I care so much for doing all these things with other guys. As she was acting in a very easy and promiscuous manner, yet to me she is very special and personal so other men just taking advantage of this special person who I've dedicated myself to makes me jealous and a bit sad.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 June 2017):
 What she did before she met you has nothing to do with you.
You were happy enough to get into a relationship with her so it's very unfair to use anything she's done sexually in the past against her.
I'd say unless you feel like you'll ever be able to accept and get over all of this then you may need to think about breaking up.
If you do get a new GF, DO NOT ask for any details of their sexual past. I really don't get why someone would ask their partner for any of that info, it's just opening a massive can of worms.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 June 2017):
 Honestly, OP?
If it bothered you so MUCH maybe she isn't a good match for you.
My husband was a VERY promiscuous teen, married young, divorced you and then spend a couple of year in his 20's being more promiscuous. I don't know HIS number, nor do I care. It was before me. And no I don't know much about his sexual past as I DO NOT want to hear about it. I don't think it would/will enrich OUR relationship if I did.
I think that is the BIGGEST thing young people do when it comes to their sex lives - they OVERSHARE.
Yes, I think it's good to know whether one's partner has NO experience (like yourself) or SOME/ALOT like her but the details? Nope. Not something that needs to be shared. What does need to be shared are the RESULTS of an STD/STI panel.
YOU have to decide if you can SEPERATE her (in your mind) from her sexual history or not. If all you think about when thinking of her is ALL these dudes she did it with and what she did... then don't torture yourself (or her) by staying with her.
Don't SHAME her for having had an active sex life either. I don't think that makes her a bad person who needs a derogatory nickname such as slut.
And don't beat yourself up for NOT having had any experience before her. We all got to start somewhere and she has a head start. If you don't like that, wish her well and end it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): Having different sexual histories is a bad sign for your compatibility with this girl.
After everyone gets done with all the politically correct talk about how the past shouldn't matter, you are still left with a girlfriend who has different boundaries & values about sex and a whole different set of life experiences.
Your lack of sex is a set of life experiences too. It affects you just like her experiences affect her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): You decided you wanted to be with a sexually-experienced girl and have a relationship; yet you think too much like a boy. You didn't defend your girl's honor when some jerk spoke badly of her to your face. I don't mean fight him; I mean stood-up for her, and let him know not to speak of her in such a way. You could have told him you knew all about it, and you don't care. Even if you had to lie. It would have been for her sake.
Maybe you have someone who isn't the right match for you, and you are concentrating too much on her past. You're too worried about everything except what she means to you, and how you feel about her. In all the good ways. Your mind is too much on your lack of sexual-experience.
I wish she wrote instead; so I could tell her to breakup with you. To give you more time to mature and get more experience. She will most likely do that anyway.
I would tell her to not spend all her time walking on eggshells around you and trying to soothe your insecurities; while you spend most of your time judging, and not caring for her. She has no need to apologize for anything. If he can't handle it; then let him go. It is your option to let her go; rather than hold her hostage to your insecurities!
I'm sorry young man. You're still thinking like a young boy. You're not quite ready for a real relationship. You carry your virginity (or lack of sexual-experience) around like it's an illness, or a disability. You CAN think like a man; and STILL be a virgin. Sexuality is only one facet of your maturity towards manhood. You have to be able to handle difficult situations with logic, use patience; and employ a true understanding of what's right, and what's wrong. You have to solve problems, and how to get yourself out of sticky situations. Now that's being a man. Not how many notches you've carved on your headboard.
If you've judged her to be a slut, then why are you wasting her time? She can do better than give her heart to someone seeing her in such a terrible way. The other guy was jealous and only wanted to make you jealous. It worked too easily.
Why would you try to be a boyfriend of a girl who has so much experience, when you have absolutely none? Then turn around and can't handle any of it?!!
If you truly wanted her for her, what other guys say would not even matter. You haven't matured enough to think like that yet. That's why you're not compatible as a couple.
You don't truly care about her. You were taken by her looks and popularity. You wanted someone to teach you about sex and to lose your virginity. You're using her and it backfired.
Maybe you could say you've bitten-off a little more than you can chew. The other guy you called her FWB recognized you were totally out of your league; and he went straight for your insecurities. You could have defended her honor and just told him, you don't care about all that. She's your girl now! Even if it upset you or shocked you; you should have let how much you care for her, help you to handle it better.
Find a girl with less experience. Someone not so popular with the boys, and one you actually care enough about, to focus more on her. Not who she was or what she did before you knew her.
Most of the young ladies you'll meet, had a boyfriend; or may have lost her virginity before she met you. Yes, they may have had sex with guys with "bigger junk" and better in bed. They may not have had a guy your strength of character, and capability to make her feel loved and safe. They might not have treated her as well, and showed her as much respect. Sexual-experience comes with time, and is no accurate measure of your masculinity. You can have sex at 12, but it doesn't make you a man. Just a boy who has had sex too soon.
If you don't man-up, she's going to realize how little you actually care for her. Your sexual prowess and genitals don't define your manhood. Your behavior, level of maturity, and character defines you as a man.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 June 2017):
He's an idiot, and she's not with him - she's with you.
I'll tell you something else. Just because you were a virgin means nothing in terms of how good you are in the bedroom. I married a guy who was a virgin, and he's a fantastic lover.
Also, don't worry about comparing penis size at *ALL*. Only guys worry about that. We only care if it's too big and hurts us, or it's extremely small, and I'm not talking about the average size, but micro-penis, which only affects 0.6% of men.
One aside here -- for all of guys obsessing over their penis size, only 28% of women can even have an orgasm through sexual intercourse alone, and even in those 28's, it takes a lot of skill and finesse. However, get REALLY good with your tongue and fingers, and you'll find your pleasure-meter for women go through the roof. Many guys with small penises are often extremely good lovers because they have upped their game with oral sex and mutual masturbation as well as other techniques.
Don't compare yourself to other guys she's had. Chances are, especially as the time goes by, she'll all but forget them. They'll become distant blurry memories, and my guess is that they'll be regret and pain-filled memories that you'll automatically and ALWAYS be superior to in every way.
So I hope that takes some of the pressure off of you!
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 June 2017):
 He is just winding you up to make you feel jealous. He is playing on your insecurities. I even think that half of what he said to you is fantasy and not reality. In other words, he's exaggerating to get a rise out of you. Why do you refer to sex as "dirty". It does not matter what she did sexually. It is not "dirty". Another thing is that your gf can't undo what she did in her past, so either you use this as an opportunity to address your own personal insecurities about sex, or you realize that you can't move past it and find someone with less experience, so that your ego is not threatened. Your choice. But don't demean your gf into thinking she is not good enough for you because deep down you think she is "dirty". This reaction of yours says more about your character than hers.
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male
reader, judgedick +, writes (10 June 2017):
first off sex is not dirty , and what goes on between 2 consenting people should stay between them , and i was a virgin for much longer than you but i know my wife was not, and was raped, but i don't know much more than that and it makes no difference to me. Even if she had in the past the best sex ever , that makes no difference to me either, because I am with her for more than just sex , she is my everything. You are getting hung up on things that are of no importance ,and talking to drunks is a wast of time I am like you and have had only one woman and she is with me for more than half my life but I used to think once that I might be a better lover if I knocked around more but we all change and keep changing as time goes on now I look on it that I am with the best woman I have ever being with , we all make mistakes in our time and that might be only be for a short time but the grate thing is that it can make us a better person , open our minds , try to think of what you have together the things that brought you to love her , don't let this eat you up and slut is a word i would not use about any woman , get away from the people that seem to just want to breakup what you have , I are lucky and don't see what you have got
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (10 June 2017):
 Tell him to shut his mouth and not talk badly of your girlfriend in front of you. It doesn't matter what went on in the past. It's what is happening now that counts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): It can be hard to deal with the past but it's not her fault you don't have a sexu all past ... be brave and let her teach you things it could blow your mind and should be great fun ... my partner was married for 20 odd yrs but had no really sexual experience but I have and we are having great fun ... don't push her away have fun together
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male
reader, Dragonslayer +, writes (10 June 2017):
Your insecurities will ruin your relationship. You're still young. Move on. There is no scenario where this works out in your favor.Here is what this say about her........she had sex with a lot of people in a short amount of time. These people used and abused her for sex because she was looking for validation through sex. Then she meet you.She only likes you because you are safe and she need emotional validation from you to feel that void she was trying to fill by sleeping with all those guys.In the end, once she finds someone better she is either going to cheat on you or dump you in the worst way. The verbal abuse will start soon. As a man you are too weak.......man up realize you can do better and kick her to the kerb
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 June 2017):
 Well, an "experienced lover has advantage s She's with you now so be confident that you are "better" than the previous encounters.
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