A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi need some advice on my sex life. So I've been in a relationship for two years and I love my bf very much. The problem is that our sex life is quite bland. I am quite adventurous and kinky I love to go down on him but he doesn't reciprocate and it's really starting to get to me. I want to have threesomes and watch himWith other girls and have him watch me, I want to try as much as possible with him but he doesn't want to. He says he's up for it all and encourages my fantasies when we're drunk but when we're sober he just wants plain missionary. I don't want to break up with him he's amazing to me but I've always had a high sex drive and I do t feel satisfied anymore. I've tried talking to him to see if he's gone off me or if he's okay in himself but he's assured me he's fine he just can't keep up. I surprised him with a hot girl for his bday. He came upstairs I said I was doing the laundry and he walked in on us in lingerie and me pleasuring her. Most men would be happy he got awkward and walked out. Yet when he's drunk he's all talk. I don't know what to do, I can't change my sexual desires and I don't want to lose him either. Help
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 June 2017):
 It sounds like he likes to think off it as a fantasy but his actions say he would never actually go through with it. When he is drunk he lets his guard down and he likes to talk to you about a threesome. But when it comes to it he doesn't want one deep down. Surprising him probably did make him feel awkward. I understand why he would. It was sprung on him. If he is not willing to open up and talk then I can only see two options, drop the three some, or else end things if you are not getting enough from the relationship.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 I think you need to look at his ACTIONS here. His actions are that he likes the "verbal fantasy" but don't want to try it in reality. I think he is afraid that YOU rather be with a girl than him or that he can't perform/live up to expectations.
My advice? STOP bringing it up. Try new things in the bedroom that JUST involved him and you. If he talks about wanting a 3-some, tell him if he REALLY wants it, it's on him to ARRANGE it, and that he STILL can back out but that you have tried to arrange it and it seemed like it wasn't what he REALLY wanted.
The whole ACTIONS speaks louder than words comes to mind. He is ALL talk when it comes to having more people in his sex life and I think you have to respect that and find other ways to spice it up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2017): Ok you set up the surprise and tell him you are doing laundry!
I see it as very thoughtful that you could stage all this out for him for his birthday.
But surprises can backfire because basically the recipient is 'surprised!'
He probably came in from work and needed to use the bathroom and get a change of clothes and thought perhaps you would have cooked a romantic meal for two.
Perhaps he even had a surprise for you in his pocket in a tiny box and maybe he was ready to go down on one knee, but in not the same way you had in mind.
So in he strolls and there you are at it!
His brain just didnt connect!
Did you leap up yelling "Happy Sexy Surprise Birthday?"
Did you have big banners and balloons around the room saying "Its sexy surprise birthday time!"
If not the blokes brain did not compute!
He thought you were lying and blatantly cheating!
He may have thought "oh..where's my romantic dinner gone?"
He wasnt thinking double muffburger and cheese and you werent swanning round him popping champagne and flattery so he felt confused and not sexy!
Now he doesnt want to explain this as it makes him feel worse so just say to him :
"That was a lousy surprise I prepared for you..I'll just do a jacket potato next time!"
Maybe he will see the funny side. It certainly gives him an interesting tale to tell down at the bar!
He can boast : "I caught her at it on my birthday and she had the babe stay over night while I slept on the couch! Some birthday! Worse part was she couldnt see what she'd done wrong and kept wanting to relive it!"
And his drunken bar friend can say: "You lucky sonofagun..I'd have jumped right in there..slapped the new one on the backside and got right on in there!"
And he can say "Yeah but it wasnt like that man...I had no condoms on me!"
You are one of those rare sorts that literally mean what you say!
Most people dont mean what they say!
They lie and they embellish and they backtrack and they forward flip!
You are a remarkable example of a totally honest human being and that is why you are confused now because other people find it difficult to be upfront and open in this way!
You mean what you say , but now that you realise that most people do not mean what they say please temper your words with
cautionary words like "might" and "maybe" and "possibly!"
And tone down what you believe other people do and realise that it is a world of braggarts as a standard form of interesting conversation and many times many people do not expect what they say or joke about to be a reality!
Have you thought of being a reporter because you are clearly a very brave forward thinking out of the box individual and you would soon get the knack of the difference between a hidden secret/ a fantasy/ a deliberate deception/ a cover up/ an exploitation/ a falsehood/ a ribald account or a self-serving account/ a hypocritical account or a sugarcoated account/ sweet talking or genuine intention!
Many people are deceived by the tone of voice alone!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 What? I must have been born on a different planet. I think this is a"you've been punked" question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2017): Thanks for the replies. When we first met it was tru a chat site we were both very sexual and and forthcoming in what we were into and both liked the majority of the same things. He would brag to his friends that I was bisexual and that he can't wait for us to have threesomes etc. I told him to keep our private life private. We always had great sex and we were leading up to introducing another girl to the bedroom. Because we both wanted to try it and it was actually him that suggested it. So when sex started to get a bit boring and his bday was coming up I thought I'd surprise him. It didn't happen and was very awkward between us he closed up and was very different. About a week or so later we went out for a meal and drinks with friends and when we got home he started talking dirty asked me to dress up for him then told me how hot I looked when I was with the other girl. So clearly confused I stopped and asked him why he didn't join in and had been off with me and again he didn't want to talk and went to sleep on the couch.. I am in no way pressuring him o to anything and I do not cheat nor does he think it's cheating as we have spoke about threesomes before and what our boundaries are. He was the one who initially brought it up and I just delivered. I would never cheat or do anything to hurt him whatsoever. As for moving in another partner ? ? Why on earth would I do that? These were his likes to and his suggestions we both agrees a threesome with a girl not a guy because he said he wouldn't be comfortable with that and that was fine with me. My problem is that I don't understand where his ever changing attitude has come from and what to do about it? Because he's all up for it again whenever it suits him then in reality it's a no go. No life isn't like a porno and I'm not some shameless sexy pest, we both liked these things ! We both love together have good jobs and want a family and have said we'd live out of fantasies and travel etc before we settle down and raise kids. Now I'm lost to where I stand with him as he won't talk about anything even after he brings it up.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 June 2017):
 This is a very interesting question because it throws open the debate to the very subjective interpretation of an adventurous sex life. So here's the thing. It's not that your sexual desires don't align, it's that yours is on a different stratosphere altogether.
You're more than just the talking? dirty during foreplay kind of girl. You're into threesome?s and you're not monogamous. You somehow seem to believe that it's perfectly acceptable and reasonable to perform sex acts on another female and you are surprised why your boyfriend wasn't "up for it", pardon the pun. Well he would be.. Only if life was a porno movie! Where you'd be pleasuring a girl and he walks in and joins both of you. Real life I'm afraid is very very different. Not many people would be accepting of this and most would frankly be appalled at the fact that their relationship has been thrown wide open. Talking the talk while drunk and horny and walking the walk while perfectly in a normal state are two completely different things.
Your actions could be construed as cheating and you're basically up for an open relationship. This is not everyone's cup of tea and can massively backfire in a relationship if both parties are not into the same thing, with the same desire for it.
Your boyfriend is monogamous and while he's into dirty talk like most people, while in a moment of passion, he doesn't want to act on it. Just like you don't understand monogamy and find it boring, he doesn't get your idea of open relationships and cuckolding in practice. Maybe? right now you think, "well I'm not looking to be with anyone except him, so I'm completely monogamous but just wanting a bit of fun", you don't realize how devastating your actions could be for this relationship. It's all fun and horny now but what if one of you falls for the third wheel? How will your life be once you get into this lifestyle? What if one of you suddenly decides that they don't want this any more or conversely, what if they want to take a different partner and want them to move in?
I think you should seek out a partner who's more into the same kind of stuff as you. Your ?boyfriend and you are both not on the same page and this could mean big problems eventually.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 June 2017):
 Not all men would be happy with your idea of a Birthday present.
I actually expect that the majority probably would not have taken you up on the idea.
You are not sexually compatible with your BF. No matter what he says when drunk, deep down he is more restrained in his sexual outlook, and that is OK.
You cant force him to do something he doesnt want.
YOU have to decide if the sex is more important than a loving relationship with this man, and if not, you have to make the choice to leave and find someone you are more compatible with.
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