A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles, I'm in need of some help, I think my girlfriend of 6 months has slid back into her depression, she has told me about how she had depression before. Background info:She is always briefly moody in the mornings and can be hard to deal with but I am able to cope with that, in the evenings she is nice and sweet and apologises for her bad behaviour in the morning, is enjoyable to be with once she has come round. She started a new job at the same time as starting to date me. And things have been good for the first 4-5 months. She doesn't like her new job, because she only has a day off every 12 days, but works 7 hours a day as a mental health nurse. The last 4 weeks she has been breaking down saying that she has no time for herself, pets, or a relationship or friends, she doesn't want to talk to anyone, doesn't want to sleep, avoids contact with anyone and blows them off if they try to arrange stuff with her.She has mentioned that she feels nothing towards anyone, even me. She says she doesn't know if she loves me and is worried that she has gone off me because she doesn't feel anything but she loves Cuddling and kissing and she tells me that she loves me but never intimate and hates me looking at her. she had been extremely argumentative and explodes at anyone over the smallest thing and is easily defeated when something doesn't go her way. I made a post earlier about being accused of stealing her dogs love, after some thought I have put it down to her depression and her dog being the only thing I think she feels understands her. I don't know what to do to help, I am starting to feel a roller coaster of emotions myself because I worry about us, her happiness and well being, she keeps feeding me semi breakup lines which start to make me feel Insecure and I try my best not to feel Insecure. I don't want to break up with her, she is lovely and wonderful when she is not down.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2017): I have a family member who is a nurse and the stress placed on them is unreal. Working 12 days in a row is just asking for exhaustion and she is burning herself out.Nurses in the UK are overworked, they probably are every where else too. Mental health nursing takes a hell of a lot out of people and it's no wonder your girlfriend is drained after spending 12 days being drained by helping others when she has issues of her own. You aren't in a relationship to save her, whilst everyone in a relationship takes on willingly times when they have to care for and support their partner you cannot think you are able to save them from all their problems. That responsibility rests solely on them. It might be that she needs some tough love and you sit down with her and tell her that it is clear she is not well. She needs to get herself to a doctor and signed off immediately. She probably needs medication to level out her mood swings and after a few weeks she might begin to think clearly, once she has had some time to rest and allow medication to take effect. She shouldn't rush back to work but instead seek help to deal with her depression in the long term; looking for counselling or therapy and asking her GP to be referred to people who can help her with this. You can help her by making sure she gets to an appointment, or taking her food over to make sure she is eating but solving her mental health problem does not rest on you.She simply cannot care for people if she is struggling so much herself. I know first hand how being in a job you hate that causes you stress can feel like it is ruining your life. If she hates her job there is no shame on quitting, she gave it a good go and it turns out she hates what she trained to do. It's no big deal. I trained to teach and ended up detesting it; I worried for a long time that my family would be disappointed and they'd think I wasted my time etc... I ended up suffering with very severe anxiety and was signed off work. When my family understood how I was feeling when I did quit they were actually pleased for me. It has changed my life escaping a job I hated and perhaps eventually that is a decision you gf will have to consider. Each day is the opportunity for a fresh start.Being depressed is an isolating condition and your gf will be feeling totally numb to the world around her. Working so much and the demands a relationship brings could be stressing her out more and she might want some time on her own, so make sure you do both have time apart so you can focus on yourselves too. If you stay with her and she wants a relationship and she ends up going to counselling she will have days where she feels totally drained from that and will need alone time to process everything. Ultimately you can't fight this battle alone and she needs to acknowledge she needs help. All you can do is be a consistent person for her, popping in to see her and helping her while she learns to value herself and life again - if she does indeed want to maintain a relationship. Just take things steady and let her know that you want her to get help because you care for her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): I wouldn't bail on her just yet.Realize that depression is something which overtakes you and you have no choice.Her feelings towards you have not changed. She is just numbed by the depression and feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately, everything she is feeling and going through is spilling over onto you. This is inevitable. Our loved ones are close by. And we do need them for support. She may not know how to ask for it or how to get it. She is simply overtaken by her emotions and feels trapped by them. And likely does not realize how much it has impacted you. She is not trying to hurt you on purpose. She just feels helpless.If you want to support her and stay with her in the hopes that it will get better - and IT CAN - then hang in. But she will need to confront her problems. She will need some counselling. She will also need some time off for her own mental well being. The stress of working so much only worsens her condition. She is being overworked and this is a problem in the healthcare field in general. They are understaffed and overworked and overburdened and this leads to burnout, and depression as well as other medical conditions. Have you sat down with her and had a heart to heart talk about all the things you have mentioned to us? If not, it's time to do that. Loving someone and wanting to help them AND save a relationship requires honest and direct communication. Sometimes that person may not want to hear the harsh reality of what you are saying. But it needs to be said or nothing will change. It will continue to be a vicious circle which will spiral out of control.So you need to do the tough stuff now. Do you love her? Do you want her to be ok? Then she needs help. I think she does not know how to ask and if you can take charge, then maybe that is what she needs. An intervention of sorts. Telling her the relationship is deteriorating and that you don't want that to happen. That you see she is struggling and that you want to help her. And that you do care about her. So, reinforce that. Show her you will not be judgmental or pull away. It takes a strong person to be the rock. And it takes a person who cares to want to hang in there.So, determine if you are willing to stay to help her. To improve her well being and your relationship. If so, it is time for her to get help. She has to want it. And it may not be so easy at first. But if she does get help, things will slowly improve. But I do believe in brutally honest communication. It serves to make things better. And at worst, it may make things harder. Or eventually beyond repair. But at least you know you TRIED and that you did your best. Without walking away and giving up, which too many people do.I applaud you for your strength and coming here. It is not so easy what you are going through and not so easy for your girlfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): Maybe it is time to move on. I find it very odd that this person is actually a mental-health nurse; and yet seems so unstable. How can she manage patients, when she can't manage her own illness?
Your loyalty and devotion has been tested, and you have proven you wouldn't just bailout when things get difficult. There is a point in time when you know you've reached your limit, and there is nothing more you can do. It takes two to make a relationship work.
You have to use your common-sense, when you realize things are not progressing in a positive direction. You see the irrational behavior, yet you try to correct it by reassuring her; and just basically pandering to her fluctuating or erratic behavior.
It isn't your responsibility to adapt to her behavior. It is up to her to adjust to the challenges of daily-life, and the circumstances around her.
If she wants to be in a relationship, she has to be healthy enough to contribute and maintain it. They are taxing on the emotions. If she tells you it's hard on her, you must listen.
You are wasting your time constantly riding-out these episodes. You do not have to be cold or cruel to her; but you do have to be sensible and protect your feelings. I recommend that you listen to her when she hints she is having difficulty dealing with you. This story has two-sides. It's not just on her. You may be a handful as well.
You have to be the rational adult in the relationship. She is not handling being in a relationship well, and it sounds like she needs some rest and intense therapy for herself. Let alone handling other patients. Her job is strenuous enough, compounded with dealing with a full-fledged romantic relationship. The poor woman has a full plate.
Gather your strength and courage. Decide whether this relationship is loving, fulfilling, and nurturing. If it isn't; then decide if you should continue being in it.
Is it helping or hurting her? You can't be selfish.
Asking for advice over and over isn't going to cure her. You will have to make up your mind if the relationship is working. You may be doing her more harm than good by unintentionally pressuring her to behave as though she isn't struggling with her depression and other mental-health issues.
You're becoming stressed and confused. I see it in your post.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017): Not everyone enjoys their jobs .. but we make the best of it .. that doesn't account for her moods in the morning .. I would like to see her mood at work .. I think she used to calling the shoots and your one of them .. sorry .. She says jump and you say how high sweetie .. she sounds melodramatic to be honest .. your previous post you had fab advice .. I would advise her to see her gp if that's how you feel .. and let them do a psychiatric eval and see what happens . To me it's her nature .. she been like this since word go with you the imcidnet with the dog happened quite quick in if I remember rightly .. so she couldn't have been depressed then plus you were new where was all her excitement
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A
female
reader, defer2ok  +, writes (4 February 2017):
I know you care about her, but think about the future. Go get a healthy girl.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 February 2017):
 The poor girl sounds exhausted. And frustrated. There may, of course, be depression involved as well (I am no mental health expert and we only have what you have told us to go off) but one day off in 12, working 7 hours a day in mental health the rest of the time (a demanding job), would be enough to test the resilience of the strongest of people. Is it even legal for her to be working those hours? I have not investigated but it doesn't sound legal. I think you need to investigate the job situation and work out ways that she can either cut down her days or change jobs. Then I suspect she could turn into a completely different person.
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