A
female
age
36-40,
*anpopo
writes:so, at the end of june my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me about 3 weeks before leaving for the navy. he couldn't make up his mind what to say to me or about me, although none of it was entirely bad, he was stuck between saying he loved me and saying he didn't- almost the entire time we were dating he constantly talked about marriage and kids, and us moving out together with a few friends and him going back to school after i finished my associates etc etc. we started to work at the same place considering we're both trying to pay off bills and go through school etc and my "best friend" is working there as well, her boyfriend, too. i notice more often that she is not only flirting around with one of the managers, but also with my guy, and this doesn't stop. he also flirts back on more than one occassion. i did talk to him about it and it stopped on his end- he claimed he hadn't noticed. then after about 2 months i caught him flirting around online with 15 year old girls and 33 year old women alike- mind you, he's 23. i confronted him about it and he said he didn't know why he was doing it, but i assumed it was because he was feeling really weird because he was going to be leaving for the navy soon and forgave him, though i let him know he had really done a number on the relationship just because of that. i was devastated when he broke up with me. i was honestly in love with this guy and could see all the good and the potential he had- and held high standards for him. he claimed i was too critical of him and expected too much, which may have been the case- but in the end i was the one hurting. two months after all this i meet another guy, we stay up talking the entire night the first time we meet making jokes and finding out we have so much in common etc. we are dating, but i'm constantly not sure of my relationship with him- i assume because of what happened so recently with me and my ex. out of the blue my ex contacted me online saying "i'm willing to try friendship again". like it was his choice... so i denied him with no explanation- but i'm still hurting over my ex. and i feel as though i'm honestly falling for this new guy- it happened kind of quickly and now i'm a little upset because i have no way of knowing exactly how this new guy feels about me- it's simply a matter of i want to compare something that is impossible to compare. we've only been together for about a month and a half- and he says that he thinks i have nothing to worry about, because "we're both facing and heading in the same direction together" and he says he doesn't see that changing. with my ex, when i finally gave in a thought it was safe and relaxed it all got ripped out from under me. i'm afraid that will happen again- but if i fear it i'm afraid that it'll give it more of a chance to come true. i don't know if that quite makes sense.what do you all think? and what are your suggestions on completely letting go of what happened with my ex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): Goodness me!
I think to be honest that the Navy guy, your ex is definitely best forgotten. Easier said than done I know but you cannot ruin what is your new and potentially great relationship because of your previous relationship.
Trust me, I have and its such a mistake.
I think Navy Boy may have had some feelings for you but he also, i think, has got lots of other things that he needs to explore in his life and do first. He has joined the Navy, could have weeks / months at sea, you would be left behind etc. The fact he has come to you now and said he would like to try friendship is like bully for him! Perhaps, and do not want to be harsh, he has realised life a bit lonely and reliable old you, who he knew loved / liked him lots would always give him that boost he needs to feel great again but ultimately he will get on with his own agenda.
I think you should throw caution to the wind and enjoy the relationship with the new man - maybe you will end up together forever, maybe just for a long time, maybe not for long whoever knows but you won't unless you give it a go, embrace it and enjoy it. Imagine if the boot on the other foot and you were with someone who doubted you all of the time because of their ex? Fair enough share it and he knows what has happened but let him help you learn to trust!
I am the worst for it and great listening and understanding others issues, totally useless with my own. I think too much and it does me no good. I have learnt (I am 33! :o) that I must not think too much. Why worry about things until you have too?
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (31 October 2008):
 I know it hurts to be left behind.(Ex husband was military) It is an awful feeling to have someone break it off with you. Been there. :( When you have someone giving you mixed signals when they have such mixed emotions. Been there.:(
You are young and although I am sure you can't see it now, this actually is going to give you both a chance to really miss one anher and perhaps help you both in deciding if you really want to be together.
When someone enters the armed forces it completely changes their lives. They not only have a job, they have a totally different lifestyle. Since they will frequently be transferred from one place to another, they will be meeting and making friends from many different backgrounds and genders. This can really make it hard to have relationships with someone back home. (None may be of concern, depending on the person.)
Others things to consider would be the long hours in training, long stints before they have leave, distances to travel to visit a mate, possibility that they will find someone new and just move on. Your ex will now be for all practical purposes Property of the US Goverments..Uncle Sam and sometimes they become so carreer driven they don't really have time for anything else.
This break up will give you both time to get your thoughts together and you lives settled down without one another. Your ex will have to be given that needed space to figure out what he really wants in terms of you. You will need to try and hang out with friends, get involved in church or some other social networking organzation. Volunteering in your community could help you to keep focus on others and give you time to think about something other than him.
Remember that when true love prevails it is hard to really push it away not matter how hard you try. If he really loves you his heart will remember even if he his mind tries to forget. Simple letters, or a card now and then could keep you in his mind, after all you are still his friend. Just let him miss you and if things are meant to be it will be up to him to make it happen. The ultimate choice is his after all.
Keep busy and try focusing on yourself. Remember the good times and know that is was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Learn from your relationship and allow yourself to grow from it. Love him in your heart but allow that love to evolve in the ways that will always leave you with a lifelong friend.
It isn't always easy to let go, yet sometimes it's the only thing we can do. To be told I love you then again to hear that words I don't love you, is a very confusing way to feel or view love. Sometimes a person is just so overwhelmed they can't really show love, sometimes they can't give love and they don't even know why themselves. It can be out of habit, or perhaps they were just brought up that way. The instant someone says I love you and then you hear the next time I don't love you usually signifies they are confused. It's possible that they don't even know what real love it, but usually they just can't figure out what kind of love they have, or if they love you in the right way. It happens all the time that certain people just can't make a real heart and mind real committment so they leave you broken with those 4 awful words...I don't love you.
Don't blame yourself, don't blame him. Take a step back and love him but DON'T FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF! Don't withdraw into a quite world..get out and mingle............YOU ARE SINGLE!!! *smiles Make friend, try your best to have fun, be his friend and whatever you do DON'T CHASE! Give him the chance to really miss you but don't focus on that and give yourself time to really decide if he was the one. You might find out that even though you love him, you really can live without him and it might be the best thing for you both.
Be prepared if you have to really let go.........and do it with Grace. Best wishes.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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