A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Z and I started hanging out with each other (met her through my close friend Y) at college, and at first I thought she was a very fun, talkative, and easy-going person. She just has that charm when she first meets new friends. Z and I would spent hours talking on phone over things that we have in common, and joke about our mutual bad habits... I had super great times with her, and felt she is just like another me, I thought she also felt the same way, because I don't think a person can fake the tiny details of certain things if she has never gone through the same situation.However, she used these things against me and talked about me with other friends as if she totally doesn't agree with the bad habits we "shared" before. I never understood why she had to do that. I don't know which one of her is real/fake? It felt like she has several personalities... she acts and speaks so differently and I cannot keep up with her moodiness and differences... I was wondering if she had to please other friends by agreeing with them, hiding her true identity, or she was phony to me, and did it on purpose to ruin the relationship I had with my other friends, or she was just having fun doing all these things, gossiping, talking behind people's back, or she doesn't even know what the heck she was talking about and that she has a problem!? We would hang out with each other along with our other friends at school. I would feel Z and other friends exchanged glance after I said certain things or sometimes they would smile discreetly, but those certain things are never offensive, maybe it would be about daily life, classes.. etc. It's like I don't know what I have done wrong to be talked behind my back. Z would also gossip to me about our other friends, and joked about them, I just listened to it but I never had fun doing things like that... I think it's not a good thing to talk behind people's back, especially friends. I would wonder if she also jokes with others about me the same way... it makes me very conscious of anything I say in front of her... The weird thing about Z is that at times she can get so angry about things as if she is a very moral person, and she won't be afraid to say mean things when people are just doing things she actually did before. I don't understand why a person can never realize they were also doing the exact same thing that they say they hate? Do these people lack the ability to take a look at themselves??? OR they do this on purpose so they can take advantage of people who are nice?! I often asked myself this question, whether I am also unable to see myself when I point my finger at her, but I feel I already did more than I am supposed to!I realized that Z is a very negative, cranky person, however she doesn't show this to newly-met friends, because she expresses all her anger to me! She would tell me she hates this and hates that, HATE is the word she always uses. Even small things like what a stranger wears... etc... She would also judge people harshly, many small things can make her irritated... now I feel I get really irritated around her (I wasn't like this before) whenever she talks about what SHE hates. Whenever she is unhappy or moody, she expects people to be there and listen to her crap (usually gossip and complaints), and when you have given her the time to vent, you start talking about your own issues, she gets so distracted and says she needs to hang up because of SOMETHING. She is never willing to put efforts in friendship or any relationship.In the very beginning, I really enjoyed hanging out together and I would ask her to hang out, she always refused by making up excuses, ONLY will say yes to places that are close to her home, or activities that interest her. She basically just wants company when she has absolutely nothing to do. And she complains when I don't pick up the phone when she calls. I didn't pick it up on purpose because I was mad at her for being so selfish and heartless to me and I made it very clear that I hate talking on phone long time ago because I prefer spending more time on something more productive, if a friend wants to talk, then hang out and grab a drink. It's not like I don't want to spend time for a friend when she needs comfort, I would do anything for a friend, but because of how she treats me, also because she never hangs up EVEN if i told her I was busy or wanted to work on things on my own. I always went to places she asked even if I preferred staying home, if she and other friends asked me to hang out, and she took it for granted, thought I didn't even have to put efforts. I felt so hurt when in the beginning she often said no when I asked her to hang out, but would only say yes when another friend also joined, I kept asking if I was THAT uninteresting so you needed to have other people there in order for you to go out with me?! I kept asking myself if I had any problem for her to think you can't have fun going out with me alone. But no. Now I realized it's just her being selfish, she had to go out with at least 2+ people so it's worth her time. So why would you want to talk to me on phone and why would you even want to be my friend if you find me that uninteresting?! No matter if it's far from my home or it's not even anything I would prefer to be doing I would still agree to hang out, this is how you contribute to build a relationship/friendship, no??She blames all her problems to people around her, her bf, her close friends by saying mean things to us. She has a lot of friends, but lately I just realized she doesn't have any friend who is close to her, except me and another friend, basically she doesn't have anyone to go out with. I have other close friends and she gets jealous and said "I only have 2 close friends, and that is you and S (her other close friend)", wow is that my problem of wanting to hang out with people who can actually make me happy!? Why can't people take a look at themselves when people don't want to hang out with you? She often acts like a mature, considerate person to new friends by polishing every word she chooses and that's how I was first "attracted" to her personality.. but because I know her too well, what she says isn't what she is. She is very good in refining her words. But it leaves me wonder, WHY does a person need to pretend to be "good" when you actually know what "good" is?? Like she knows how to act considerate, but why doesn't she try to be a better person?Sorry I know it is a very long posting... you might wonder why I've still been hanging out with Z now (it's been at least 6-7 yrs) because sometimes I just forgive her as I still enjoy the connection between people, and I was being considerate to her thinking she might need help when she is left alone... and I basically enjoy harmony among friends. And it's also because we still have mutual friends. But recently I feel I want to stop hanging out with Z because I feel so insulted, hurt, and emotionally drained 80% of the time, and how she deals with our friendship, however, I really want to know how other people would think about this situation as I don't know if whether it is my problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone! I have stopped picking up her calls and talking to her... although I feel I am being quite mean, I don't ever want to go back into the same loop.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 December 2012):
Although you cant choose your family, you can choose your friends. I dont keep any friend in my life who is a net drain on me. I choose friends who make me better, and I make them better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2012):
 First of all DROP this chick Z - she is NOT a friend.
Secondly, you can still keep seeing your other friend just stop hanging out with her one-on-one and if you know she is going to be there, don't give her any ammo. Or decide not to go that day if you know you are not up to feeling annoyed and drained.
Also, gossip. EVERYONE loves it. And sitting and LISTENING to her gossip makes you just as guilty - it may not FEEL that way, but you are. So if people around you start to gossip and you don't want to participate, tell them POLITELY that you don't care for gossip. Call them out on it. Say simply :" I don’t want to offend anyone, but I have to admit I am really tired of hearing about CINDY (or whomever) and what she did and didn't do. It's none of my business. And I don't like to be a gossip".
Personally, I'm ALL for telling people you and me, we can't be friends anymore, because XYZ - but a person like her, it's not going to work at all. She doesn't GET that SHE is the reason she can MAKE friends but not KEEP them.
So, I would just slowly stop spending time with her. If she wants to met up or go shopping, make up an excuse and say sorry can't go. Sooner or later she will leave you be, because you are not feeding her "Inner troll".
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Yes it was a long post, so I didn't read it (apart from the last paragraph) You seemed to need the chance to vent, so you've been holding it inside and suffering for a long,long time... However, it was very important for you to write it all down, thank you for being so honest.
Z... makes you crazy
"But recently I feel I want to stop hanging out with Z because I feel so insulted, hurt, and emotionally drained 80% of the time, and how she deals with our friendship"
Life is very short. How does she improve your life, how much happiness does she bring. You don't need people to drag you down, if you she pains you, then step back, stop calling and see if you can do without her. If she needs you because she's lonely, then again step back, and only give her a little of your heart and time. People who only take are called "emotional vampires". If it's driving you totally crazy, then just give up, walk away, people do that all the time, and it doesn't make them wicked, just human, just smart.
Your not wrong, this is how you feel, you owe her nothing. Friendship's last only as long as you feel they are beneficial. Feeling drained and angry isn't what I call friendship.
Be strong, you know what's right to do, but there is no point in holding on like this. If you want to keep her, then definitely a strong, honest, heart-to-heart talk is needed.
Why should you keep Z in your life... think about it, then make some type of choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012):
Gee your at the least 26ish.. Please grow up and leave this friendship in the the bucket where it belongs..
To me any kind of relationships are either two way or no way.. She gives nothing, makes you question your own self, are you likeable etc and yet you still hanker over this non existing friendship..
Detach yourself, get busy, go out make new friends..
If she a friend honey, who needs enemies..
Take care..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Some "friend". You should be able to find plenty of better ones (friends). Start looking....
Good luck...
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