A
female
age
30-35,
*emindedfrience
writes:So in may this yr. I have to go to jail for some owed back child support. While im gone for 25 days my fiancé takes it upon himself to "not put his life on hold" and decided to cheat. He said he blacked out from within an hr before up to in the "middle" of having sex with this random meth addict after picture woman and yes she supposedly looked like the after picture on one of those posters. Now back to what I was saying I haven't seen much change in my fiancé. He said he would change everything and prove to me he's not going to do it again. But its aug. now and he hasn't proved anything to me. I had mentioned that I haven't seen any sign that would show that he wont do it again. He told me that he doesn't know how to prove it to me. I of course don't trust him after all this has happened. So my question is: What are ways my fiancé can prove to me he wont cheat again and to regain my trust? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (6 August 2014):
 Check out this book- I Love You But I Don't Trust You, by Mira Kirshenbaum. This is a great book for rebuilding trust in a relationship after a betrayal, I really reccomend it for you. I always recommend this book when there is a major betrayal or small betrayals, it really can help you.
The issue here is that you aren't hearing each other. You don't understand what you need in order to feel better about his cheating and he doesn't understand what to do either. He feels he is doing all he can to prove he wouldn't cheat. Not cheating now is, in his mind, his way of proving he is currently faithful. You feel he should be doing more to not only prove he is trustworthy, but also to make up for what he did. You are still angry and from your point of view he is not doing anything. He's at a loss because he doesn't know what to do...
I'd certainly get the book. It helps you to understand why the cheating occurred in the first place and how to avoid it happening again. Also how to understand each other. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): I don't think he can. He sounds like a loser. Why would you want someone like this?
...............................
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 There isn't much of a way he can prove it to you. There is no way he can prove where he has been at every moment of the day and what he has been doing so its kind of up to you really.
You will just have to trust him and hope he keeps to his word. And its really up to your own gut instincts.
You say in your post that he hasn't shown any sign that he won't do it again, but the thing is, what sign are you looking for?
How is someone meant to show you a sign they are staying faithful. Buy you gifts? Marry you? Declare there un-dying love for you? All of these things aren't going to prove he is going to remain faithful to you, even him promising isn't going to prove it to you.
And do you know why none of these things will prove it to you? Not because of you, but because of him.
Its obvious that he isn't sorry about what he has done, because you don't feel in your heart of hearts he has done anything to make it better. If you are not convinced he is going to remain faithful after this inncident,then how are you ever going to be convinced? Not to mention he still hasn't told you the whole truth has he? You don't black out and still function to have sex with someone, that is a blatent excuse.
If you want to try and convince him to change or try and make this relationship work you need to talk about the in's and out's of it. You need to ask him what really happened, and not give up until he tells you the truth. You need to ask him why he cheated on you, and if he gives a really poor or un-realistic excuse, he is just being a typical cheater. And if a cheater knows they can get away with spouting bullshit they will keep on doing it.
You don't deserve to be lied to and led a stray so I would suggest you just leave him right now, but I know its way easier said then done, so you need to confront him, talk about it, see what he has to say, see what his excuses are, and if after that your heart and gut instinct are still telling you he isn't being genuine or he doesn't mean it, then I would go with that instinct and tell him that its over. Good Luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): Let's say the situation was reversed and YOU needed to prove to HIM that you were being faithful - how would you do it?
You probably can't think of anything because there ISN'T anything except just to do it (i.e be faithful)
Unfortunately, it's this exact problem that haunts many relationships after an affair and why so many don't survive infidelity.
Do you have anything in mind that you think he should be doing to prove his worth?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 August 2014):
 The only way to "prove" that one won't repeat an infidelity is for time and time and time to pass, WITHOUT repeating that indiscretion.
YOU get to determine when he has remained faithful for long enough to be "trusted" again....
If all his behaviour makes you believe that he has not "changed".... and is not worthy of your trust.... then your only option is to admit defeat and get (and STAY!) away from him...
Good luck...
...............................
|
