A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How will I know if a man has the intention to marry me?My boyfriend of almost 2 years, has at some point said he wouldn't want to marry again. When we broke up and wanted to get back together, I pointed this to him and he said he changed his mind, that he only said that earlier to "protect himself"Few months after, talks about settling down eventually came up. However, we have had fights and we havent has similar talks anymore.Im wondering if he still feels the same, but I dont know how to ask him. I feel I am ready to settle down and see a life with this guy.Another issue is, soon he is moving to a different place for a job. We havent talked much, but he told me before to work on my "papers, professional license, getting a new job" so I can relocate too.I'm just scared that with all the fights, he might have already changed his mind because we havent talked about plans anymore. All he says now is "he has no crystal ball in his hand for him to be able to foretell the future".Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2015): After two years of dating the conversation should have already happened.
Flat out ask him what he sees for your future together.
Do not propose, and if his answer isn't satisfactory for you, leave. No point wasting time if it's going nowhere. Good luck, and let us know how it goes :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2015):
 "he isn't all that bad"
this is not the man you want to marry.
you are ready to settle down NOT settle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know how long I should wait, or should I wait? I have my own fears too, but part of me is ready to settle down. He isn't all that bad, we have our ups and downs.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 April 2015):
 You write: "How do I ask without sounding needy and desperate?"
To be very blunt: There is NO WAY you can pull this off without seeming "... needy and desperate.." ... AND, if you attempt to do so, YOU will be handing him all the information that he needs to know that HE can PLAY YOU indefinitely.
WHY would you put yourself through this? Are you sufficiently DESPERATE (your word)... and this guy SO DELIGHTFUL (though, NOT according to what you've submitted, herein)... that you will subordinate all your self-respect to continue seeing him... and - maybe - marrying him????
Don't set yourself up for a life time (or, part of a lifetime) of despair....
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 April 2015):
 No, do Not propose to him. That get's him off the hook as far as making a decision. He could later say you pushed him into it when he wasn't really sure if he really loved you.
Instead make it all about him.
Take yourself out of the equation (but don't tell him that)
Ask him how he sees his life in one years time, in five years time and in ten years time and in 15 years time.
Make it all about him.
Really ''hear'' his answers. Watch his body language. The tone in his voice. The style of delivery.
Do not allow him to give you platitudes. Instead keep the open questions flowing and don't allow any Judgement to show on your part.
Don't show any kind of disappointment at anything he says.
You want him to feel comfortable and safe about really demonstrating where he wants to go in life. With or without you.
Get him to spell it out and what he really wants out of life. In detail.
Ask him open questions to keep his thoughts tumbling out with open questions that cannot be answered with just a yes/no/maybe.
Open questions start with what/how/when/where/why is
Where does he sees his skill mix best fitting?
What line of work would be his ideal fit, in his opinion.
What are his plans to pursue that dream?
How will you do that.....
When will you know you are ready for that type of challenge in your life...
What makes to certain that's .....
What type of leisure activities would give you the most pleasure.
Why is that important to you ....
Get him to describe the lifestyle he'd like to embrace in 5 years, 10 years and 15 years.
How does he intend to work towards.....
What will he need to get to......
Be prepared for the sad discovery that you are the hastily tacked on afterthough in all his plans.
If he does not mention nor sound excited about marriage within the next 12 to 18 months with concrete evidence that he's actually thought this through (commitment/going forth together/a lifestyle that includes you) with some really serious intentions and planning in his mind..... has envisaged a range of changes that do include you then you are right to wonder if you are little more than his convenient bed warmer.
''I'm pretty sure by then you will not be ....just a girlfriend'' is a wishy washy answer.
It could just as easily come out as:
''I'm pretty sure by then you will not be
Just a girlfriend, instead you'll be my ex/ you'll have seen through my .../ you'll know by then that I lack any intention of ever .... /you'll have given up on me..../you'll have moved on/ you'll have grown sick of me not making a decision about us/you'll be the wife of someone else/you'll have been tamed to not ask questions like that of me.
It's very confronting to have to face the truth if nothing is ever going to change.
Do remember that a guy intent on giving a commitment to a woman is usually also scared of losing her.
So he's anxious about making her ''his girl'' permanently, for all the world to see.
He makes plans to demonstrate his commitment. He worries about her saying no. He goes out of his way to declare his intentions, commitment and his excitement about a future together with her beside him every steo of the way.
His life is not complete without her in it.
Sounds like you want your man to have that fire and that passion for you within him.
If, after 2 years of knowing you, he does not feel that fire and passion for you in his heart then it's time to question if he'll meet your needs and expectations months from now?
And maybe not even in or in 5, 10 or 15 years time from now.
Don't settle for ''almost the one'' nor for ''second best.''
Two years together is long enough together for him to know if you are the ''one'' and for him to do something about it
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2015):
How do you want to be proposed to?
that's how you ask him.
what he says or does when he is drunk does not count. Do not get me started on alcohol etc...
if you are ready to marry him then you PROPOSE. You don't discuss "do you think we should..."
you say "steve (or whatever his name is) I love you and I am committed to spending the rest of my life showing you this. Will you marry me?"
my husband "made" me propose to him.
we got dressed up
we went to a restaurant we don't go to often at all. I got down on one knee IN THE RESTAURANT and I proposed and he said yes.
don't "discuss" PROPOSE. and listen to what he says. DO IT WHEN you are both sober.
to make it up to me at our wedding ceremony he did the same thing. He got down on one knee... we have it on video forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow do I ask without sounding needy and desperate?
I have before asked in a lighthearted way and his reply was "I am pretty sure by then, u won't be just a girlfriend."
He has also said he wants to marry me but this was when he was drunk. He came to a point where he suggested we start saving up, that hes worried about leaving the military soon and needing to get a new job knowing I need help with my papers and professional license for relocation.
Guess I am just wondering if our fights have caused him to change his mind because we haven't had similar conversations since then.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 March 2015):
You won't know until he asks... therefore if you want to know you need to ask him.
AND listen to his words very carefully unless the answer is yes... in which case then you have to watch his actions too.
I'm betting he will hem and haw and say "maybe" or "sure later on"
ANYTHING other than a yes is a move designed to keep you on his leash.....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 March 2015):
Let me ASSURE you.... He will keep you in his stable of available women for as long as you will tolerate his unacceptable and undefensible behaviour.....
IF - and WHEN - you figure out that he is PLAYING you... I HOPE that you will give him his walking papers and tell him: "Nice try, Tiger... but I ain't gonna be one of your available girls...."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 March 2015):
 I don't know you or him, but from what you describe it sounds quite obvious that he is not going to propose to you. Look at what you wrote and how you summed up your relationship: petty fights, unresolved, don't talk, don't listen.
Is this really the guy for you? Marriage isn't all there is to life. Sure it's fun to brag on facebook about getting married and having people admire your ring and congratulate you. But then what? Oh yeah, you're the one who's going to be stuck with this "petty fighting, no listening, no talking" husband for the next 30+ years! No one is going to congratulate you then, you'll be stuck in misery and with no way out except for divorce.
So, before proposing, ask yourself if you're actually interested in this man for the right reasons. Just wanting to get married does NOT mean ANY man will do. The wedding is a day, marriage is for about TWICE as long as you've lived so far....
I mean, you're just 26-29, there is no need to try and pin yourself down right now! I'm happy for those who found love and have great marriages early on, but that's not some grand goal, and life can not be planned. I am much happier with myself having made the decision to not just go ahead like so many young girls did: get knocked up with some guy when they were barely teenagers, and then either get married and divorced two years later, or have three kids by three different dads and no education. For me, and I would advice this for you as well, it is much better to wait until you find the right guy, however long time it will take. Women can have children up to they reach their 40, at least, and even if you can't have children there's always adoption and fostering. I grew up with separated parents and my mom got pregnant with my dad after just 5 months together, and I believe it would have been much better for all of us if she didn't have children with him at all. My childhood sucked, because of my dad not being suitable to be a father, but my mom didn't care because she just wanted children. She thought of her own needs and desires, rather than what would be good for the children.
So I advice you to think about what would be good for your future children: a young mom and dad who argues about petty things, have a bad marriage/are divorced, or to have older parents (or be adopted by a married couple) who are loving and giving and where there is harmony?
So to get what you want, perhaps you need to be patient, perhaps it wont all be like in your fantasy when you were a little girl. But don't rush to marry just because you feel you have to, and take any man that comes along, which seems to be the case. You're ready for marriage, but he does not sound like the right husband for you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 March 2015):
That the two of you are fighting is not a good sign.
That you feel hesitant to raise something is not a good sign.
My rule is that no matter how strong the physical relationship if there is any lack of trust that is not a good sign. Trust is paramount.
My second rule is that if you feel unable to raise something then that too is not a good sign. when a couple are serious there is nothing they cannot talk about together. The trust is so strong that they share everything because they care about each other.
When things are rising towards serious intentions then one hour together feels like a fleeting minute. Time together goes quickly.
When things are not right then a minute together drags on and feels like a hour or two.
A couple who are meant to be together could sit on the edge of a riverbank and look at the sunset and not even need to speak a work and still both be on the same page together. Even the silence is not awkward as just being together feels so good. Surrounded and enveloped in love in the lead up to knowing that you want to be together always
A couple who are awkward together. who have nothing to say to each other and are not sure if anything they say will be well received are NOT and ideal couple. sometimes one sees long term married 40 years couples at this stage as they have sadly grown apart.
But if you have only known the guy a couple of years and you think he may be serious about you then you should by now be at the High Trust stage of the relationship.
He ought to be telling you his intentions.
He ought to know his timetable of when he intends to be ready for marriage
Do not allow him to string you along for another few years only to drop you for a younger version when he is finally ready to settle down.
1. When a guy is serious then he will tell you early on that he is serious.
2. A guy with serious intentions shows you respect
3. A guy makes it known to you how much he wants to impress you - taking you to see family, telling you his plans for 2 years hence, 5 years hence, 10 years hence
4. such a guy opens up to you his innermost thoughts because he trusts you completely
5. He wants you to meet his friends and family, he does not hide you away.
6. He wants to be seen with you because he thinks so much of you.
7. He knows he could lose you if he lies so he is often painfully truthful
8. He really does not want to lose you
9. He has thought through some things and want to share with you what those thoughts are - such as where you will live, how things will be - at that point you need to step in and point out that you want some input. Some guys think they have to make sure he can do it all - and instead some consultation is called for - he will readily understand that and be relieved that you want to contribute ideas too because he is coming around to the idea that it is a partnership not a one man band.
If a guy has not yet proposed at the 2 year mark he has become too comfortable. Why try if everything he wants is already on offer. If that's all he wants then he does not want marriage.
Since marriage takes him off the market and into exclusivity and responsibility. If he has any issues with not wanting to be responsible or not wanting to be exclusive then marriage is the last thing on his mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm too scared to propose, and I still have that fantasy of getting a romantic intimate prposal. He did suggest in some of our conversation that he wants me and sees me as "more than just a gf"..
He is transitioning from military to civilian life, and he still needs to get a job first, I on the other hand is preparing for my boards so I can get my license and relocate too.
We havent talked much yet, lately we have been having petty fights about things and left unresolved because he just doesnt seem talk to me and listen.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 March 2015):
I also dug up this article, which is more for amusement, but could be nice to read:
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/g2171/signs-he-wants-to-marry-you/
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 March 2015):
If you want to marry him, then my best advice to you is to propose. Then you will get your answer. It is the only way to find out: you need to ask him if he will marry you. In other words, you need to propose.
If you believe he will say no, then you already know the answer and wont have to ask. I think you are hesitant now because you believe he doesn't want to, that he will say no, yet you are wondering if he will chance and perhaps say yes down the line.
Truth is, it's a risky bet you're placing. If he hasn't brought it up, and he's been adamant before about not getting married, he probably still is. It is VERY common for men to lie, or fake it, when they want a woman back. They will say all sorts of things that the woman wants to hear, promise changes, promise marriage later on etc... They might even believe in these things themselves, but in reality people do not change. If he had changed his mind about marriage, then he would have talked to you about it, or made a move. That's what I believe. Because you have told him that this is important to you, you have expressed that you want to marry (at least in general, if not directly that you want to marry him). So if he wanted the same, then you'd be talking about it, rather than you sitting here wondering about it.
Sure signs a man wants to marry (whether it be you, or just in general): he says so.
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