A
female
age
41-50,
*llieb19
writes:I recently got out of an almost 7 year relationship, where my ex fiance cheated, was emotionally abusive, and I felt trapped. I am finally over it and have met a new guy who I have been seeing for about a month. So, far it's going great, but I am unsure if I am a good judge of character now. What bad signs do I look for? Any advice? When is it ok to get more serious with him? My ex and I have been broken up for about 2 months.
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emotionally abusive, fiance, my ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Flamegenie +, writes (10 July 2012):
Like you, I've been in an abusive relationship with a cheater for almost three years. The man was insecure from the get go and he accused ME of being unfaithful which was the farthest from the truth. I didn't realize that he was projecting his infidelity onto me in order to assuage his guilt feelings. I had to go to therapy in order to realize how toxic this relationship was. He used to talk to me about his infidelities in graphic detail and I put up with it. I used to ask myself what was wrong with ME as to why I couldn't attract a kinder man. I think signs of good character in a man are punctuality, generosity, offering to help you even when you don't ask for help, the ability to be faithful, healthy self-esteem, patience, the ability to listen when you have a problem, HONESTY, the ability to laugh at himself, the desire to spend quality time with you. I really don't know the answer to your second question in terms of when it's time to get serious with someone. I would say you should give it at least a half year but maybe even a year before getting serious, but there are no hard, fast rules about that. At the moment, I am starting all over again at age 65 in terms of dating. I lost my husband over four years ago. Because of my age, I decided to date about nine months after he passed away. I made the mistake of getting serious with one of his former friends, not realizing what a horrible character he had. I am still healing from the hurt. And, that's another thing you need to be careful about. You probably haven't quite healed from the abusive relationship, so what you want to do now is just date casually and not expect much for a while. You'll know it when the right man comes along. And, if he is too much like your ex, then I would say you need to sit down and figure out why you keep attracting the same types. My abuser was nothing like my late husband.
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I've always believed the best relationships are based on a couple things (beside the usual "good communication" and "trust" obvious points). This is just my own thought, so take it for what you will:
1. I want to be in relationships where my girlfriend and I don't NEED to be together, just WANT to. No desperate people, or ultra-clingy people, or stalkers need apply. Someone with such a deep seated insecurity that they jump into codependent relationships will have needs you cannot fulfill and will someday look for someone else to fill their holes.
2. Your significant other should put you first, just as you put him first. Ideally, it's mutually yielding, not 50/50 but 100/100. If he seems more concerned about what you can do for him than what he can do for you, it's at least a red flag. YES, you should do whatever you can for him, but only if he's trying to make you happy too! If he puts himself first, then cheating is just doing whatever makes himself happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I think that maybe it is too early for you to be in another relationship when you just ended a long term relationship. Most people are too vulnerable at that time to be a good judge of anything. Especially when there was cheating and abuse. You need to allow time to grieve and get used to being by yourself again.
Some signs could be mood swings, any sign of verbal and physical abuse, trying to cut you off from friends and family. Those would be the obvious signs, but some people who are problematic will seem ok for a long time and then when you're emotionally attached to them they start to change their behaviors.
I hope this a good one though and that you will be happier in this new relationship.
I would take it very slowly and maybe do some reading on how to recover from what you have been through.
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