A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, one of my close friends, is constantly getting hit on by guys. She claims to have low self esteem, yet whenever we go out, she gets a bunch of guys asking for her number. Now, don't get me wrong, I love her and everything, she's my friend, but I'm starting to feel a little bad about myself because I never get nearly as much attention as she does.No, I am not ugly; quite the opposite actually. I'm quite modest about how I look, and I have been told I look attractive - by guys as well - but I never really get that much attention. She's not ugly herself, and for the most part we're different looking (I have long brown hair, slightly tall, slim, and hazel eyes - She has long dark red hair (dyed), is kind of shorter, curvy and brown eyes)One thing she does is she unconsciously walks like she's on the catwalk when we're walking together...I just walk more naturally, I guess. She does kind of come off with a snobby attitude, and a lot of people misunderstand her, but she still finds succesful with the guys? Oh, she also puts on a lot of makeup...but I thought guys were more attracted to natural looks, and I'm all for natural looks.Personality wise she's just more loud and stuff..I'm slightly more quiet, but sociable enough and I don't feel intimidated by guys. I'm just a normal girl I guess..sort of like the next-door type.I don't understand what the heck I'm doing wrong...I don't want to act like her because I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't. Besides, I don't think I'm acting the wrong way...Guys, what do you think I'm doing wrong in this case? ://
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I had a friend just like that and I spent lots of my time trying to figure it out. Why are guys drawn to her like moths to a flame? How come she is such a magnet to guys? She was an average looking girl, but judging by all the attention she was attracting, there must had been something special about her that was invisible to me and all our friends. I never found out what was her secret, but I am glad we are not friends any more. All those guys chasing her gave her a bad reputation.
A
male
reader, Problem.helper +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I think in your situation the problem is that u are shy and not "easy" so more guys are intimidated so only few will get the courage to hit on you or ask u out .
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're making a common female mistake - assuming that guys are only attracted to girls in one way. In fact, it's more accurate (though still incomplete) to say that guys are attracted in either an "easy lay" way or a "girlfriend" way. The "easy lay" look gets more attention, *not* because it's better, but because it appears to require much less effort and have a higher success rate. That, and being shot down by an "easy lay" hurts a lot less than being shot down by a "potential girlfriend."
Loud, lots of makeup, curvy, catwalk... these are traits that signal loudly, "I'm easy," even if the girl actually isn't. You didn't say that she goes home with a lot of guys, or that she never lacks for a boyfriend - I'm guessing she turns down a lot of offers, though. But these are the signals she's sending to guys.
The problem for "girlfriend-hot" chicks (like you appear to be) is that, while you can get plenty of good attention, you need to be in the right setting, and preferably have some distance between yourself and the ones who looks like an easy lay. For instance, out on the street, in class, or at a party, the "easy lay" is going to get the approaches, every single time.
Even if you're alone, you have to be in the right setting. Bookstores and after-school clubs, for example. Again, though, guys can be misdirected by the other type of girl, even here.
The only real way to counter the competition is to be proactive and introduce yourself to guys, rather than waiting for them to approach. Now, if all you're looking for is lots of anonymous male attention, you're going to be disappointed. If you're looking for a boyfriend, though, making the approach yourself is the most effective way to get their attention and start looking for a decent guy.
So, keep your natural looks, long hair with it's real color, all that stuff. Act like yourself. But be the one to start conversations, to introduce yourself, when you see a guy you like. I'm sure your friend would encourage you if you needed it.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I went through the same thing at your age. I was a shorter, petite girl with brunette hair and modest looks (I was fourteen, and didn't wear a lot of makeup). She, on the other hand, was tall, blonde, thin, and wore barely any makeup besides eyeliner. We were both fairly shy, and we were very similar in personality type. But she was very outgoing when it came to guys and flirting. I, on the other hand, was a little more reserved when it came to guys. I didn't even have my first kiss until I was sixteen.Whenever we would go out to see a movie together, and I mean EVERY time, she would wind up meeting guys and getting their numbers. Sometimes these guys would even join us on our dates. When we would go out to eat, she would get hit on by the waiters (who were a lot older than us, 19 or 20), and even gave her number out to one. She also began talking to construction worker who was at our school. I was very jealous of all the attention she was getting, and soon became very resentful of her for it.Once we got into highschool, she became WAY too confident with guys, and eventually became very promiscuous with sex. She became famous for "going down" on guys who were three to four years older than us. It wasn't my scene, so we eventually drifted apart. When she was sixteen, lost her virginity to a guy with a long-term girlfriend. He didn't leave his girlfriend, and my friend had a lot of nasty rumors being spread about her. Me being her close friend for a while, a lot of the rumors were about me as well, and eventually turned into ME being the biggest slut in school (keep in mind that I lost my virginity at age 20 to my now-fiance).When girls are very young, and are just starting to mature, the attention from guys can be overwhelming and can become almost like a drug. It gives you a high, and soon you lose yourself in it. That's what happened to her. Please don't feel bad about her getting a lot of attention from guys. It doesn't mean that guys like you less, or that you're less attractive. It just means that she gives off a vibe that guys are attracted to (maybe even a vibe that she'd be willing to do things that you're not ready for). You'll see one day that all the attention she's getting doesn't mean she'll get more in the long-run. Just keep being yourself and be happy with the attention you DO get. A lot of attention from guys doesn't translate well when you're that young, anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): There are so many variables in the situations you describe for anyone to really give you an accurate answer. There are a lot of things that will get me to notice a girl - body language, how she flirts with her eyes, personality, looks, etc.
But one thing that comes to mind is that when I see two girls together, I tend to approach and begin flirting with the one who's my second choice. I do this for a couple reasons: First, the second choice doesn't make me as nervous and if she rejects me it doesn't *seem* as painful as being rejected by the first choice; and second, I like to try to create a little jealousy in the first choice (kinda like you're telling us about here) in hopes that if I get around to hitting on her, she'll be excited I am instead of rejecting me.
Anyway, that may be what's happening sometimes. Have you ever gotten any attention from the guys after they start hitting on her first?
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