A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am wondering about flirting. Is it a harmless activity that is just fun, or does it really play with peoples' emotion in a potentially harmful way?Of course, I think flirting is fine and even good if the flirter (the person who is flirting) has an interest in the flirtee (the person he or she is flirting with). It's a signal--universal in the animal kingdom--of interest in further romance.But what happens when a guy or girl flirts with people they are NOT interested in. I do know a few people like this, who flirt (i.e., flatter, touch in a provocative way, use terms of endearment like "darling" or "honey", etc.) with many different people...even when they are definitely not interested in those people romantically. They see it as harmless, fun play. But I am wondering if it can actually be toying with peoples' emotions. I do know people they have flirted with who took the flirting to mean something deeper, as a sign of interest.I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. (In a non-flirtatious way of course.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This how I see it:
Two single natural flirts with no interest = a bit of fun, no harm done.
Two single people flirting one has interest, the other doesn't = toying with emotions.
*One person spoken for flirting with a single person, neither have interest and partner doesn't mind = harmless fun.
The same situation as * but the single person is interested = harmless fun that single person should know better, if their emotions are stirred then it's their own fault.
The same situation as * but the partner minds = dangerous game and potential deal breaker.
The same situation as * but the spoken for person is interested = deal breaker and one step below cheating.
The same situation as * and both people are interested and the partner doesn't mind = potential threesome.
Same as above but partner does mind = potential cheating.
Variations: If one person is flirting and there other isn't then that's almost always toying with emotions. Either in a creepy way or a teasing way.
When a person who has no intention of getting with a person and knows that person is interested but they flirt anyway, that's teasing and that's not nice at all.
If a person is interested and is flirting with someone who isn't, then that can be creepy and annoying.
You can see from the above examples that 2/3's of the situations are toying with emotions. So most of the time yes, flirting with everyone can be misleading. Unless people know you well enough to ignore it. Even then it can ignite feelings that the flirter doesn't necessarily want but when they hurt someone that way it is their own fault and no one else. You don't tease a dog with a bone, not give it him the bone and then get pissed because it bit your hand off to get it.
Saying all that being friends with a natural flirt when neither of you is interested is a lot of fun, they're great to practice with and get comfortable with flirting and honestly some of the best nights I've had is watching female friends of mine flirt with complete sleazebags who show interest in clubs, spending half an hour trying to chat them up, while I know they don't stand a chance. You know the type of guy that drunkenly grinds random girls on the dance floor, I love the look of disappointment on their faces when they go from fully sure they've scored to being brushed aside. Especially when they use me as the crusher by climbing all over me and acting like a couple hehe.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): My boyfriend used to flirt with other women that he used to fancy on facebook.he knew those people in person too.there was one who he had liked at college a few years earlier,and one that he fancied at the time and saw in person at the time but apparently nothing happened between them.we werent together at the time but i saw the comments they wrote to each other.we're back together now but i cant get over what he used to say to them and that he hung out with one of them at his place.he sent the one from college a rude application once too with a double meaning. he said they were only friends and he was just "joking" with them,but i told him that i only want to flirt with people if i fancy them at the time.he also said that they wouldnt read anything into his behaviour and would know he was joking but i didnt believe that .he removed them from his friends list because of how it made me feel.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Very wise answer by Odds.
I'd like to add - flirting has also social cultural and geographical connotations, you have to be able to assess what it means according to the circumstances.
Like, here in Italy you'd have your emotions toyed with on a daily basis- flirting is a must, is a form of courtesy in a way, my 80 y.o. aunt would feel upset if going to the coffee shop the waiter would not tell her "so, what this gorgeous lady is having today ? ".
If you are at a Quaker 's meeting and they flirt with you- it means they love you and want to marry you. If you hang out with , say, a bunch of actors, ( people who like to be liked , otherwise they'd do another work ) all the smiles and baby and darling do not mean much.
How to read the signals correctly and not to be mislead ?...Well, in part is a natural talent I guess, in part you learn by experience, you sort of come to authomatically process so many little hard to pinpoint details, - body language ,voice , choice of words etc. .
But if you want to play it safe - just assume that flirting does not mean particularly anything and that actions speak louder than words. A person who is REALLY into you won't rely just on flirting and won't give mixed signals- they'll DO something. They'll call you or ask you out or ask to share some specific interest of yours etc.etc. - they'll find some actual way to be closer to you and spend more time with you.
In lack of that.... it's just fluff, baby darling :)
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 March 2011):
 It has the potential to toy with emotions, true. The urge to mate is arguably our most powerful instinct, and flirting toys with it.
But I see it this way: if you can't handle having your emotions played with on the level of flirting, you have no business dating anyone. Same reason same reason you don't let a man who's afraid of heights become a pilot - he will crash and burn.
That said, the emotions of the person *dating* the girl you're flirting with are another story.
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 I have a very flirty personality. So I see it as being a little over friendly. Even with people I am not attracted to I'll flirt a bit. I get it from my mum. I think it is harmless fun, but people can take it the wrong way. Some people may think that you are attracted to them 'cos you flirt with them quite a lot. But you gotta make sure that there isn't any attraction there so you don't mislead them. Try not to touch, but flirting is very fun especially with someone you really like. If you do it in front of a few people so others can see, they will see that you are just over friendly and they won't look into it. Hope this helps =)
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