A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I live in a place where there are some small private hospitals and that is where my friend is now. My friend is getting wonderful support from her Doctor so I know she is in good hands. We have been friends since school and I have supported her many times through her many episodes of depression. And I know I am not family so the Doctor cannot talk to me. Trouble is that her own family are disruptive and cause terrible problems for her. So bad that the Doctor has banned them from visiting her as they cause her such distress. I know she is getting the very best of help. I pick up her washing and do that for her. Her hospital is not far from me so sometimes I visit her just to sit beside her. Not even talk. She appreciates that. Sometimes she complains about the food in hospital. So I asked the Nurse if I could occasionally bring something in for her for the evening meal. They said yes as long as I deliver it by a certain time in a sealed container to the kitchen and they will inspect it to see if it is OK.The things I have delivered have been received well and she loved them.She is still very depressed and I know she is not being discharged anytime soon. Her Doctor seems a bit stuffy but I don't criticize him to her as I think that would cross the line. My problem is that I would really like some feedback from the Doctor on if I am doing any good or at least not doing anything wrong. I have never visited a person who is so sick from depression. She has become very negative and thinks there is nothing good in the world. Her spirits lifted a little when I took in something I know she really likes for a meal, but then she got sad and did not finish it. Though that's better than normal as sometimes she hardly eats at all. Can anyone help me and tell me what are the right things to say to someone who is depressed and what are the wrong things?I tell her that her illness is not her fault. Sometimes when she answers OK to my question of how are you today I rephraseit and ask her how is she really feeling. Is that wrong to do that? I know I am not going to know all the right things to do. I am only a friend and I have no skills to know what is the right thing to say and what is the wrong thing to say. But I could really use some guidance please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour answers have really helped. At the moment she is not speaking. There is one Nurse who is very helpful.She only speaks when there is no one too close. She said that it is OK for me to be honest and that I don't have to hide it if I get bad behaviour it is ok for me to say that I am hurt about her responses. My friend seems to be retreating more and more into herself and she almost pushes people away. but every so often I see the funny side of her that used to be prominent but I can see that side of her is receding.Thank you male reader. That is all I can do sometimes So I take some stitching with me. If her depression was not so serious it might even be calming to sit there stitching and being there for her. Often she will not speak. But after an hour sitting there and then letting her know I am going then she will ask me to please stay. So in her own way I think she does not mind my visits. I will explain what I am doing. such as I have said that I am putting back four new washed nighties in her drawer and things like that but she will not answer. Almost it feels like she does not think she deserves anyone to care.NoraB your lovely words were very comforting.Abella thank you for your understanding but I don't think my friend is too close to getting better. This is the saddest I have ever seen her.Female anonymous I have saved that really good wordpress article. thank you for that. I agree with you that perhaps the medical profession has to wake up to the fact that not everyone is blessed with a spouse and two kids. life is not like that anymore. I am not a significant other, I am a friend. Whenever I have visited I have seen so many other patients who never get visitors so I would think a reliable regular visitor who attempts to do the right thing and to do not harm is better than no visitors at all and better than some horrible family visitors who upset the patient. I will keep on hopeing and wishing my friend starts to feel a little better but the recovery seems such a long slow drawn out process. Contrast that with how people flock to support someone in the family with a heart attack or other illnesses. All people who get sick need some support. Whatever their illness is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2013): You are a great friend, she is so fortunate to have you in her life.
Since it's easier to remember what NOT to do, here's a list, and if you google you can find many more similar pages of advice:
http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/mental-illness/depression/things-not-to-say-to-someone-suffering-from-depression/
I do have a problem with how doctors aren't allowed to give information to anyone who isn't immediate family. Not all family members care about the patient. Often, friends actually do care more than family and have been more involved in the patient's life.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (18 January 2013):
 You are there for your friend and you are showing in practical ways that you care.
By your presence, by taking some of the load, by just turning up and showing her that she is not alone.
Depression is very common but the severely depressed person is often overwhelmed and full of doubts and can't see a better future.
When your friend starts to improve is still a vulnerable time, when a depressed person starts to realize more of all that people have been doing to support them, so when that time comes remind your friend that you were honored to be accepted by your friend at her time of need.
That it was your decision, that you were happy to support your friend because you care about your friend.
If the Doctor will not speak to you then maybe ask the nurses for any pointers on what to say and what not to say. In general. To any severely depressed person.
Surely that is not breaking any confidentiality rules if you are asking how to speak to any seriously depressed person?
The family were asked to leave as they were upsetting the patient. But you were not asked to leave. If you were doing anything wrong then I am sure something would have been said.
So it follows that no doubt the staff see your presence and what you do as perfectly OK
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (18 January 2013):
Your friend is really blessed to have such a sincere and true friend as you. WOULD BE IF THE WORLD HAD MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOU. You're there for her all the time and help her every way you can. You could not do any more and you are doing Everything Right.I suggest that you become more gentle with yourself do not be so hard on yourself Again thank you for the wonderful kind person you are to your friend and just continue with your great work of kindness to your friend. Best Luck. Nora B.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): I suffered very severe depression from 1990 until 1995, during that time the greatest support was from my friends and wife who simply sat with me anbd accepted my depressive mood. They did not judge me nor did they try to help other than just be there. That was enough for me and kept me from taking my own life.. Stay with your friend.....she needs you right now.
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