A
female
age
26-29,
*rinityHunter
writes:So, I've been really close friends with this guy since 6th grade, we're both now in 9th, and he's gay. He recently told his mother about himself. She was very angry about it and yelled at him about how he's never even experienced with a girl and that she would send him to therapy to change him. He asked me if I would pretend to be his girlfriend and come to his house throughout the summer to make his mom see that he's "trying" to be straight, even though we're just puttin' on a show about the whole thing. He's the kind of gay where yu can just look at him and tell. His mom is the piano and chorus teacher at our school and has a close relationship with all of her students, so I know she'll tell them about "us" after summer break and everyone's gonna think that I really went out with a gay guy. I really want to help him but need help myself. What are some pro and cons about me going through with this? And I want to make some ground rules about the things he tells his mom that we"do" because if she does tell her students, I don't want it to be serious stuff. So what resome rules to hav about this? I'm helpin' him go through with it no matter what but I just need to know some of the consequeces that ar going to result. Thanks for takin' the time to read and answer!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mr. Y  +, writes (17 May 2012):
There are somethings that you should remember your entire life.
1.You can never help a person by faking a relationship.
Its not going to help him for a long term as someday or the other his real nature would become clear to this world.
2.Never try to push a relationship that has no truth and purity in it.It is going to hurt you very bad and make your life very complicated.
Don't make this mistake now, don't make this ever.
Helping your friend is short term goal that you want to achieve but what you will get is long term suffering
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Trinity Hunter,
As a parent you can guess that the first thing I'm going to say is that you will get caught. Chances are that within six months either his parents or your parents will catch on to the lie / con. Then you will damage your relationship with your parents by proving yourself untrustworthy. That will make it harder in the future for you to get permission for dating and friend activities and things like that.
Another thing that is likely to happen is that you will form an intimate emotional attachment to this guy. Because you two will share a secret and spend quite a bit of time together it will be easier for you to share more intimate thoughts with him. This is not all a bad thing, but it is too soon , and with the wrong person. In another 4 -6 years you will be emotionally mature enough for this kind of relationship. Most likely you are not now. He will not be able to return the emotions that you will have for him because of his sexual orientation. Having your emotions tied up with this unavailable guy will keep you from forming more fruitful relationships. Ideally at your ages you will both have many shallow relationships and explore other personalities, ideas, and activities.
I believe that those two are the most serious con to your proposal. You also mentioned your reputation, which you should think about, but I think you have that covered. As to ground rules, certainly don't pretend to do anything that you would not really do.
Now I will not pretend that there are no pros to be gained. First in your mind you are convinced that by putting on this con you will be helping a friend. That will make you feel better about your self and shows that you are a caring and devoted friend. But, Many will tell you that this is not the best way to help. I will likely agree with them.
The second advantage to you is that you will learn more about others, in the end you will be more sympathetic. You can possibly gain this just by remaining as friends.
I am worried that you will end up getting hurt and regretting the decision that you have already made. Like most adults in your life, my hope is for the best long term life for you.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2012):
 He is a very brave young man. My brother did not come out till he was older to my mom and out of the house to my dad...
His reply to my grandparents who did not know he was gay when asked when he was getting married was "yep when I meet the right girl"... of course that never happened in their lifetime.
His mom is being very very unfair and unrealistic. You can't change nature....
Don't PRETEND to be his GF and if his mother speaks of you or him to her students that's VERY unprofessional. Just be his FRIEND.... and if his mom wants him to have some therapy hopefully they will find an OPEN minded therapist who can figure out how to get his mom past her sadness.
It's very sad for a parent at first to accept that there will probably not be a wedding and grandchildren in the traditional sense....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): "What are the pro's and con's of having a fake relationship with my gay friend to trick his mom?"Pros: None. Cons: Dishonesty is never justified, even when dealing with bigoted homophobic parents. Never stoop to the enemy's level, especially when it's so easy to honestly outsmart them because they're dumb enough to really believe what they believe."He asked me if I would pretend to be his girlfriend and come to his house throughout the summer to make his mom see that he's "trying" to be straight, even though we're just puttin' on a show about the whole thing."Don't pretend to be his girlfriend, just continue actually being his friend and come around his house and hang out as friends but never make one false move or otherwise "put on a show," just continue your genuine friendship and your mere consistent presence should be enough to make his mother believe what she wants to believe, because mindless bigots rely on appearances and presumptions to foster their convenient truths.In other words, don't lie to her by pretending to be his girlfriend; just don't tell her the truth by saying out loud you aren't his girlfriend, that way she can jump to her own false conclusions without any duplicity on your part. In more general terms, never lie and say something that isn't true when you need to fake somebody out; always practice the art of selective omission and NOT say something that IS true when you need to fake somebody out.Bigots believe what they want to believe, best way to take advantage of that is by remaining silent and allowing them to concoct their own warped self-serving version of the convenient truth as they want to believe it; they'll interpret your silence as affirmation, no lies, no verbal disagreements, your hands are clean. What you need to understand is that to more grown-ups than not, perception is truth; amazing the elaborate, torturous, byzantine logic they'll come up to "prove" they're right, and lack of verbal disagreement is perceived as total agreement. Say nothing, and they'll imagine your saying the words they want to hear.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (17 May 2012):
 I don't think this is a good idea at all. His mother is being unreasonable about the whole thing but deceiving her is not the solution to your friend's problems. You can't keep up the act all your lives and besides, if he's the sort who is obviously gay, this stunt won't really deceive his mother either. The consequences for you could be unpleasant though. You could be caught up in rumours and when your family get to know about this, there could be more trouble. Besides, what if some really nice guy falls for you but stays away because he thinks you're dating this guy? This entire scheme, to me, sounds fruitless. I don't think this will help your friend either. He should instead take the advice and counsel of people who are rational about the homosexuality issue, and try to convince his mother that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It's much better than lying and deceiving, IMO.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 May 2012):
 It's unfortunate that your guy-friend has a Mother who doesn't understand homosexuality. YOU are a terrific friend to consider what you've outlined..... However...
I think that the charade that you and he are considering is likely doomed to failure... since both of you will have to play-act for the entire time... THIS, to mislead his Mother.... Is there any chance that you and guy-friend can enlist the help of another trusted adult to intervene, such that Mom gets enlightened rather than you and guy-friend go through with your plan?
Keep plugging... you and he "sound" like nice kids in a not-so-nice situation.....
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