A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Super fast, speedy, short version: We broke up after a 2 year relationship. I always treated her well and loved her more than anything, but she felt we were becoming too "routine" despite how much I cared for her and thought we were growing apart. No matter how ready I was to find a solution and help us get a "spark" back, she was adamant about breaking up and I reluctantly accepted it was over. She starts dating a new guy within a week. I'm heart broken, go through depression, snap out of it, choose to move on and finally am feeling confident as I put myself back on the market.She contacts me after a few months, says she wants to meet and talk. I accept hesitantly, and she proceeds to explain how terrible she feels about how she treated me, about dating this new guy, and how much she misses seeing me and talking to me. She claims this new guy is nothing to her and was just there to fill the void after the break up and doesn't "feel much" towards him. She still thinks its better that we are apart for now, even though its clear she still has feelings. She keeps mentioning that she believes "if two people are meant to be together, they'll find their way back to each other." We part on friendly terms, I tell her I'll always care for her, and we leave.Months later, she's still with this guy and I'm finally dating someone new. My new girlfriend is intelligent,sweet, gentle, loving, and very enjoyable to be around. I told her before we started dating that I had recently gotten out of a long relationship and was still hurting from it. I was completely honest with her from the start and expressed that I didn't want her to get hurt and would understand if she didn't want to be involved as I still have confusing feelings towards my ex. We talked about it for a while and decided we'd still like to try dating and have been happily going out for a few weeks. But I can't stop thinking about my ex. I tried to ignore it at first but I keep thinking back to our conversation and how much regret she showed over breaking up with me. Though my new girlfriend and I get along quite well, we don't share nearly as many interests as I did with my ex and I find myself comparing us to it. I've continued to be honest with her and told her about these feelings.I guess what I'm asking is, how do I stop these feelings or at the very least, how do I know my ex won't come back into my life? Because honestly, if she does, it will bring up some very very complicated feelings that will be hard for me to deal with. Thank you.
View related questions:
broke up, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do realize how good she is to me, and I care for her a lot. She's so great and I realize that many many other girls would have walked out as to not be involved with the ex factor. I gave her that choice and she stuck around. I'm truly grateful.
But as much as I wish that was enough to make me forget about my ex, it doesn't seem to be. Trust me, I tell myself every day how lucky I am to have my new girlfriend in my life and will always treat her well. And because I want to treat her well, I want to remain honest with her, which is why I've told her about everything. I don't want to have these feelings; I'd much rather be happy and supportive of a new life, however its much easier said than done. Emotions can be entangling and even when we don't want them, they don't let up easily.
I've tried my best to forget about her and I've done everything I can to focus entirely on this new relationship and keep in mind how great it has been. But if that were enough, I wouldn't be on this site asking for advice. My brain is 100% ready to move on and commit to a new life, but heart hasn't caught up yet.
Thanks again for the response :) I'm trying my best
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 OP, do you realize how INCREDIBLY lucky you are, to have such a supportive girlfriend? She knows that you still have feelings for your ex, yet she has chosen to stand by you. She could have been the one penning down a post here saying..."my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex". She could be suffering from retroactive jealousy.
Instead of all this, she's right beside you. She's a keeper OP...take care of her. At times we become so busy crying for what we dont have, that we ignore all that we are lucky to have.
You have the idea of a "perfect" life with your ex, she was your first love, you dreamt of walking into the sunset with her, living your life together...but that was just an illusion. If your ex felt the same way about you, you would still be together.
You can build an ever better life with your current girlfriend. Give it a shot.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. I guess its a little scary. Even though my ex and I have been broken up, I still felt so strongly for her that I was always assuming she'd snap out of it and realize how great we were together. In a sense, she did, since that's exactly what she expressed when she asked me to meet with her. However, she was still unsure about where her life was going and thought it best we remain apart.I guess the most difficult part for me is knowing that once I give fully into this new relationship, I'll be giving my ex up forever. She's the girl I've been friends with since high school and have dated for years. She's the one I fell in love with and was ready to spend my life with. Even though I know I need to move on, knowing that I'm putting the final stake in all of that is just unnerving. But then again, my new girlfriend is wonderful and I have treated her with incredible respect and integrity, despite my mixed feelings. In fact, I care for her so much that I desperately wanted to be honest with her from the start. She knows of everything I'm typing here because I've told her. I want her to know what I'm feeling so that she can decide if it's too much for her to handle. I don't want her to get hurt in any way and hope for her the best always.Again, thank you for the responses. I'm still so mixed about everything and I hate having these emotions that prevent me from enjoying a great future with a wonderful woman right in front of me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (11 February 2011):
You have a good girlfriend now, but whats stopping you from giving in 100%? The very fact that somewhere deep down you feel your ex girlfriend might come back to you.
However, given the fact that she was so fickle in what she wanted, there wasn't even a legitimate reason to break up, yet she did....what does that tell you about her? Even if she does come back, whats the guarantee that she wont change her mind again in a few days and wander off? Can you cope with that again? Do you even want to??
She's with someone else, and you have a wonderful girlfriend. Maybe you don't have common interests, but honestly tell me, what good came out of the common interests in the first relationship?? Despite having it all in place, she felt there was no 'spark'
Every relationship cannot and need not be the same. Appreciate what you have right now, and give your present girlfriend the respect that she deserves by not comparing her and your relationship to the previous one. You're not doing justice to your relationship by going about it in this way.
...............................
A
female
reader, MrsLion +, writes (11 February 2011):
 It sounds like she's that kind of girl.. that on yall's wedding day would disappear and call it off because she wasn't sure yet you were the "one"I honestly think she's still not ready to bunker down with a guy yet, and that she was scared she was not going to be happy with you in the end... 2 years together is a long time, I've been in mine for a little longer.. and theres a lot of memories mixed in that time good and bad. You're a security blanket because in the past you were always there. Breaking off from a long relationship is always slow. She's probably very indecisive. The one way to ease your memories is do lots of new things with your new girlfriend that you didn't do with your ex, to create nice new memories with her. Try to avoid resteraunts ya'll used to always go to or places where people might bring her up a bunch. It will only make you hurt worse. Its a great thing you're being honest with your new girlfriend, keep it upExcuse my spelling :) and I also believe she's a little more serious about that guy than she told you if shes STILL with him.
...............................
|
